Loving life...

Amidst what seems to be a time of hustle and bustle, I am so thankful that our family has found the time to relax and "just be". I love time like that. My nature tends to be more of a "hurry up and get it done" type that tries to cram in as much as possible and this isn't always so endearing. My desire, however, is that I would be a person of simplicity, who is breathing slowly and deeply enough to enjoy the small things and notice each moment as unique. I sort of think my new found love of photography (sorry for the insult that is to individuals who are actually photographers) has actually helped me slow down and recognize and attend to the moment.

I have had such a wonderful time with my family over the past week. Of course, there have been family gatherings with laughter, food and special moments, but my favorite times have been those that I have been quieted enough to notice what is before me. This year, Jonah sang in the Christmas' choir. He LOVES to sing and often he loves to sing LOUD. Not so much during the choir performance. Jonah did manage to sing but he also was very intrigued by the band (especially the drums), finding mommy and daddy, and seeing what the other kids were doing. I remember Christmases of the past where I would find myself tearing up as I watched just how adorable the children's choir was. This year, I found myself filled with overwhelming joy for that little boy. I cannot begin to express the gratitude I have that God gave me that boy. God is teaching me more and more how much He loves me through experiencing my own love for Jonah...and sometimes it really is overwhelming.

I must also say that I am thankful for the people in my life that do the things that I love to be a part of but really don't enjoy orchestrating...like Christmas cookie decorating and sledding. Sure, I can lend a hand where needed but my favorite part is sitting back and watching it all take place and seeing the joy on the faces of those involved.

Jesus Birth (according to the Smiths)...

For several years now, on Christmas eve the Smiths have enjoyed reading the account of Jesus' birth (from Luke) and acting it out. Our cast used to consist of mostly adults and a kid or two and now the actors are primarily children. Judah has been the baby of the bunch for two Christmas' so he is a shoe in for the role of Baby Jesus. We aren't expecting any more babies soon so I am not sure how long Judah will be cast as the lead. My niece Hannah is a very nurturing Mary and is so excited to be able to play the role of a mother (which she cannot wait to be someday) and my nephew Josiah plays the role of Joseph. The three magi are played by Jonah and my nephews, Moses and Noah. David and Danny are in supporting roles and the story is narrated by my father-in-law, Al. I love traditions and this is one I hope continues for the rest of our lives!

Watch us here~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD9xbrzL-tE

Christmas Joy...

This Christmas had to be one of the best we have experienced as a family. David and I are incredibly happy together. We adore our boys. And we have healed more and more from the pain life has brought us. I am so grateful for my family. As I decorate for Christmas, I am keenly aware that there are two stocking missing from under the tree, but in the same thought, I am grateful for the two that are there that I thought were not possible. Jonah and Judah are such sweethearts. Judah loves to be near me and Jonah is so expressive. He acts so surprised at the smallest things.

David and I got the biggest joy out of seeing Jonah open his gift this Christmas. He thought that Judah's baby drum set was the coolest...that is, until he saw the junior drum set that he got. He calls it his "Tom Drum Set" because Tom is the drummer at church that provided a drum lesson for his birthday. David and I have gotten concerts regularly and at this point, we are still surviving them. He typically assigns David to the guitar, Judah to the piano, and mommy to vocals. David and I are such suckers...last night we actually rearranged some of the furniture in our living room in order to find the perfect spot for the drum set. Of course we want everything to be just right so as to not impede in the training of our little drummer boy.

Transformations...

Recently, Al offered to purchase a bunk bed for the boys. Judah won't have the opportunity to use it for another year and he really doesn't understand what is happening to his bedroom, but Jonah asks us almost everyday when his bunk bed is coming. He is so excited that he has even asked me if we could go to the store and help them build it. This is a great exercise in patience however, because even though his cousins got theirs two weeks ago, I have a feeling that ours may not arrive for another couple of weeks.

Since learning that we would be getting the bunk bed, I have been thinking about how it is time to begin changing the nursery into a little boys' room. It was almost 5 years ago that I began changing the room from a guest room into a nursery. I had dreamt about how to decorate the nursery when I was pregnant with Zoe and I agonized over what to do after we found out her diagnoses. After some encouraging doctor's appointments, I decided that I would move forward with the decorating. The action of painting the nursery demonstrated my hope, however, I believe that my choice of a neutral color may have demonstrated my hesitation to believe. I never really knew if the nursery would be used by my little girl... While I was painting, David and I decided that we would paint Zoe's name on the wall. We wrote it in Greek and in English. Her name was always so beautiful to me and I love saying it and writing it as often as I can.

While painting the room last week, David reminded me that we should let the boys "paint" their names on the walls. Jonah took a few strokes while Judah tried to lick the paintbrush. I ended up writing the names of course. Jonah wanted to paint much more than he was able but fortunately, daddy found lots of big boy projects to keep him busy while I did the painting. He was so excited to see his new blue room, even if the bunk bed isn't in it. Judah...well, I think he knows something is different, but I am not really sure he cares!

My Baby is ONE!

Judah turned a year old today! Where does the time go. It seems like just yesterday that David and I were headed out the door bright and early for my scheduled c-section. I remember that I was so ready to meet Judah but that I was grieving for my Jonah and the change he would have to experience giving up his role as an only child and having to "split" the love and attention with his new brother.

Judah struggled during his first couple of days in the world. He had difficulty breathing due to a partially collapsed lung and he was born with a rarer form of mono that meant he not only had to be in the NICU but in isolation from the other babies. Judah had significant odds stacked against him (especially from the mono) but despite having an ear infection on his 1st birthday, he has proved to beat the odds.

Judah is my smiley baby. He has brought me so much joy. He is so cuddly and he quickly dives onto my lap any chance he gets. He is passionate as demonstrated is his beautiful happy demeanor that can quickly change into a fiery temper when he does not get what he wants. He has always been easily soothed by being held which I love to do even with the sore back that comes from holding him for long periods of time.

I truly cannot believe how quickly this past year has gone. Judah went from sleeping a couple of hours at a time to sleeping through the night, eating anything that we put in front of him, crawling, walking, and now almost running. He laughs out loud, plays peekaboo, likes to hide in drawers and pretends he is talking on mommy and daddy's cell phone. He is very entertaining. And his smile quickly reminds me that any stressful day is going to be alright.

One of my greatest joys over the past year has to be watching Jonah and Judah become buddies. Jonah is so sweet to Judah...helping him walk across the room, encouraging him when he does something new and being excited to see him when he wakes up from his naps. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE seeing them love one another and it only makes me excited for the things to come. I don't mean to sound unrealistic. I am fully aware that there will be times when they can't get away from one another fast enough. I can only pray that Jonah and Judah will be as great of friends as David and his brother are... Judah has been sick today. The sweetest moment of the day was when Jonah asked if he could lay beside Judah and so he crawled up onto my bed where Judah was sleeping and gentle put his arm around Judah telling him "it'll be okay little buddy". Ah, what more could I ask for? It makes me teary even recalling the moment.

Happy Birthday Judah. I love you so much!

Judah Walking...

It has been so cool to see Judah really get the "walking thing" over the last couple of days. He has transitioned into walking much more than crawling. Earlier, he was even trying to walk on top of our bed.

Birthday Celebration!

I love times when I can escape back to the computer for a few minutes. I especially love it when I have the opportunity to do so when David is entertaining the boys in the other room. I can hear every word and sound but I am out of sight and so they are fully content without mommy for a few minutes. I adore hearing the boys laugh with each other. A few times, Jonah must have even been tickling David because he was letting out the laugh that he laughs only when he is being tickled. It is pretty funny. I keep hearing loud thumps but I will trust that Jonah is safe as he is jumping off of whatever it is that David is allowing. It is really quite loud but I haven't heard any tears yet, so it must be okay?!? Ah, now they are reading books and David and Jonah are attempting to say Spanish words. What a great daddy! I love these moments when I can just sit here and enjoy the ways my boys interact with each other.

I can hardly believe how quickly Jonah and Judah are changing. Judah will be turning 1 on December 11th and we actually celebrated his birthday this weekend. He was so great watching him dig into his cake. He was not a bit shy about it. I recall Jonah sort of picking at his cake but Judah...he picked up the entire piece and I believe that he was trying to figure out how to get the entire thing in his mouth but it just wouldn't fit. I am sure that he would have eaten more had I given him a second serving. I feel that with yesterday came a new level of walking for him as well. Judah seemed quite confident in his new skill and seemed to want to prove it by walking with items in his hand, like Jonah's guitar and Jonah's drum stool. Not just little items but ones that could easily topple him over. He is becoming more and more stable nonetheless and soon I know that his walk will become a run.

Wow, the thumping is back and it is louder than ever. I believe David is still reading books and that Jonah, being a three year old, no longer can maintain his focus. He is jumping off of his bed... Such is my life with boys!

Whatever you do don't blink...

Some days I honestly feel that if I blink, I might just miss something...these days specifically with my boys. They are growing up so fast. Jonah is 3 and Judah is about to turn 1. We are actually celebrating his 1st birthday this weekend. Judah is walking all over the place and Jonah is becoming the sweetest ornery 3 year old I know.

I am amazed at how time passes so quickly. James 4:14 says "Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone." I think that morning fog is beautiful and mysterious. Yet, it is amazing that sometimes I miss it completely. Some days it appears and is gone before I have even taken the time to look outside of my windows. I do not want any day to be here and gone without being present in it. I want to notice life...I want to experience it fully...and that means the highs and the lows. If I were to say that I only wanted to feel the joys of life, I could name countless pains that I wouldn't trade for anything. I want to be conscious of my life and of the lives around me. I want to observe and yet I want to participate even when it hurts. I pray that my boys too will learn to live a life full of experience and that they will understand what it means to notice the morning fog.

Zoe Zola

The boys and I recently made a last minute trip to Ohio to see our favorite 6 month old little girl, Zoe Zo Zo...as Martha and Jonah like to call her. Martha has also gotten used to calling her Zoe Zola which is her Kituba middle name, a language spoken by Eric when he was growing up in Congo. Because Zoe is not that typical of a name, I don't use it that often except when I am speaking about my daughter, Zoe, or Martha's daughter Zoe. Each time I see Zoe and am able to hold her and interact with her, I find it all the more honoring and precious that Eric and Martha would choose to name their daughter after my beautiful Zoe. Zoe just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. She is such a good baby who is extremely content just lying there smiling at you. Jonah adores Zoe Beth. He loves talking to her and even gave her a couple of drum concerts. I think she was pretty enamored by Jonah as well. Judah...well...he was very interested in Zoe except for the times when he was trying to eat her nose and touch her eyeballs. Zoe was a great sport!

Jonah Drumming on his birthday

Here is a clip of Jonah at his drum lesson with Tom Rogers, his buddy.

Jonah's Special Day...

On November 15th, Jonah turned 3. Months ago, David and I decided that we would really attempt to make Jonah's birthday about the experience as opposed to gifts. We have Boots and Dora to thank for this idea. So, several weeks ago we began asking Jonah who he would like to see on his special day, what he would like to eat and what he would like to do. The one consistent answer was "I want to play drums". After some brainstorming, David and I decided to arrange a drum lesson with Tom Rogers, a friend and drummer from church. We told Jonah a few days before his birthday and it was all that he could talk about. He was so excited for "Tom to teach him how to drum". The best part was that Tom was excited as well.

So even though we were going to make it about gifts, I could not resist picking up this little drum set when I saw it in the store. All Jonah really wanted to do on his birthday was drum so I wanted him to have a set to drum on. We had it setting up in the living room when he woke up. The sound of him tentatively hitting the bass drum is what actually woke me up that morning. It was so wonderful to see the smile on his face when he plays it. After making Jonah a banana chocolate chip pancake breakfast, he and David headed to the church for his big drum lesson with Tom. My dad and I stopped in for a while to watch and take pictures. Jonah was enthralled with the experience and Tom and he will be buddies forever now! In fact he now tells me that he wants to show people the little drum set that Tom got him. No need to correct him because it is really sweet how much he likes Tom.

We had a small party at lunch with both sets of grandparents and Danny and Nichole's family. Jonah chose the menu which was quesadillas, peanut butter crackers, gum and cake. He must have eaten 20 pieces of gum that day. As long as he was respectful, we pretty much let him do what he wanted on his special day, even if that was eating a ton of gum!

The day was really perfect for Jonah. Even though he is so young, I feel like he is going to have memories from this day. And he may not be a great drummer at this point, but I think the drum lesson actually helped. It has been cute to see him counting as he plays now. Last night, David actually walked into his bedroom (when Jonah was supposed to be asleep) and Jonah had moved the drum set beside his bed and was sitting there drumming on his knees just moments away from hitting the drum set and waking up poor innocent Judah. It was definitely a moment that David had to hold back the laughs until he spoke to Jonah and got out of the room. Of course, we laughed together once Jonah could no longer hear us!

Oh, I must mention that Jonah got a Peyton Manning Jersey that he got to wear on the day of the best comeback of the NFL season! Go Colts!

Judah had a fun couple of days as well. He thinks he is such a big boy. He is continuing to stress me out by crawling into the drawers in the kitchen and now he thinks it is cool to not only sit in them but to stand in them as well. Yep, we are definitely getting more bruises these days. What cracks me up the most is when Jonah thinks it would be funny to tackle Judah and then Jonah ends up getting pinned by Judah instead. I love my boys!

Silly Jonah...

Now that it is getting a bit colder outside, we are finding ways to be entertained indoors. Jonah (silly boy) loves hiding from David and I. Typically he chooses to hide under blankets where it is quite easy to spot him. Recently, Jonah found some new hiding spots...the cabinet beside our bed and our laundry hamper. Though they are great spots, Jonah is not patient enough to wait for us to find him and usually reveals himself within the first few seconds. Oh, the places we will find our boys hiding over the years....I can only imagine!

Beautiful Fall...

I love Fall. It is absolutely the most beautiful time of the year. It is interesting that David and I often are reminded that many losses have occurred in the Fall...the deaths of his mother and Zoe and 2 of his grandparents. However, Fall has also been a time of new life...Jonah, Judah, and Zoe. The experiences of Fall have been varied but one thing is for sure, the memories are vivid. I kind of feel like the vividness of the memories has something to do with the vividness of fall displayed in the colors and the drastic changes in scenery and atmosphere.

This weekend was wonderful. Time with friends...relaxing with my boys...enjoying the beautiful sunshine...watching the boys cuddle and play together....seeing Judah transitioning into a toddler by taking his first steps....and oh, a surprise from David. On Sunday, David treated me to a special evening with my friends, Jennifer and Casey, at a dinner theater where Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat was showing. It was such an energetic and entertaining show! I had so much fun and have been singing parts of the show all week. I love surprises! I love musicals! It was perfect!

The Mounds Race...

The Smith family spent the day at Mounds State Park in Anderson. The day could not have been more beautiful. David, Danny, Nichole and Al have all been training for a 5 mile cross country race. Before the main event, there is a 1 mile fun run for the kids. At the last minute, David and I decided that I would run the event with Jonah and his cousins. Judah and Noah of course remained in their stroller while Josiah, Hannah, Moses and Jonah "competed" in the race. Jonah is amazing. His energy resembles the Energizer Bunny at times and though he expressed to me that "running races is very hard" he surprisingly ran more than the majority of the mile. I was grateful for the few times where he wanted to walk!

Following the kids' mile, the adults ran their 5 miles in and out of the woods and up and down hills. I stayed with the kids and we somehow ended up handing out water to the runners for most of the race. The kids were adorable and got so excited for the opportunity to hand water to their parents. Danny, Nichole, Al and David all finished and finished well. David even won first place in what he calls "the fat guys division". The official title of course is "the heavy-weight division". I am proud of my "barely" heavy weight champ!

Halloween Fun...

Today is Halloween. What a wonderful day at the Smiths...nothing pressing besides handing out candy to the neighborhood trick-or-treaters. That's my kind of day! Judah managed to have some fun amongst the relaxing of the day. One of his new favorite activities is called "Let's see what I can get into." Literally! One of his new favorite locations besides the pantry cabinet is inside our drawers. We have decided to embrace his exploration and just pray that he doesn't get too injured in the process.

The month got away from us regarding getting some sort of costume together for Jonah. At the last minute, we threw on Jonah's baseball clothes and got out the batting glove and mitt. Judah and I dressed up as ourselves and David actually pulled out his baseball outfit so Jonah could have some company. Jonah was so excited to hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters who came to our door. Unfortunately, it took 35 minutes before the first ones showed up. After that, the stream was pretty consistent. Jonah eventually took off his baseball cap, glove and mitt and everyone kept thinking he was a Colts player. You'd think that we lived in Colts Country of something! David suggested that we just go with it and put Jonah in his jersey. So, even though Jonah started out as a baseball player, he ended as a football player. One of my favorite moments of the night was when Jonah's friend Waverley stopped by in her princess of all princesses outfit that he grandma made for her. She and Jonah adore one another!

Bonfire...

Firebon... fireplace... Jonah just couldn't seem to remember the word bonfire. It was nice to be able to enjoy an evening with friends at our church bonfire last night. I believe that we were all on a sugar high following the evening!

Bath Time...

This has got to be one of my favorite things to watch...my boys playing and having a blast together in the tub. It is so sweet. They splash and practically wrestle one another for the best toys. Jonah does get a little impatient at times because he wants "big water" and he can't have "big water" until Judah is done. Over the past few weeks (especially while my back was out) David was much more involved in bath time. I think he gets that even though it is exhausting, bath time really is fun. However, I think David has had his share of the fun and is gladly handing it back over to me=)

Resuming Life Among the Living...

These are true snapshots of what life has been like over much of October. Okay, so maybe we haven't been sleeping the entire month but the house has surely not been as active as it usually is. David has been healthy (fortunately). He has taken up a great deal of the slack that has resulting in my back being out for a couple of weeks followed by an odd week long stomach virus...I do not recommend it! Judah has been teething on top of dealing with an upper respiratory infection followed by a sinus and ear infection. Jonah has had the sniffles but thankfully nothing major. I think that I can honestly say that today was the first day in a long while that the family felt close to normal and oh, how nice it is to be back!

It has been so wonderful to see the energy returning to our home. The music is back and we are dancing and singing again. The drumming...well, it never left but it is bigger than ever now. Our collection of instruments has recently expanded. In the midst of being sick, Jonah managed to meet the goal of staying dry from morning through night! Praise the Lord. I mean that! Some days I wondered if it would ever happen and eventually I sort of gave up and realized that I don't know any normal functioning adults that are not potty-trained therefore I assumed that as some point it would click for Jonah and that it would have little to do with me. I feel like it clicked for him this weekend and on Sunday, we got to make a trip to Toys-R-Us for a new drum...an electric drum pad. It is pretty cool. Jonah obviously loves his new drum set and gave us a concert as soon as we could get it out of the box. He told us that he is going to give us a concert every day. Of course, he has done just that!

Being Grateful (even when it hurts)...

I am at home today, just trying to recover from a back that went out a week ago. Everyone else in my family is in Indianapolis cheering on my brother-in-law, Danny, who is running the Indy Marathon. He is hoping to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Even though I know that it is much colder outside than it is in my comfy house, I do wish that I was there cheering him on as well.

It is so difficult being an engaged parent when you are in pain. Being in physical pain has seemed to distract my mind and thoughts even at times when i have been in the same room with my boys. Fortunately, after having a spinal fusion in 2001, the back pain I now experience is generally manageable and short-lived. This past week has been different. Just when I thought I was getting better, a day later I was worse again.

These pictures were taken on the one day this week that I felt alright. The boys love being outside. Jonah loves playing on his swing set while Judah loves putting everything he finds into his mouth. Thankfully, David hooked up the baby swing so that I could get Judah off of the ground for a while. I really treasure the moments I have with my boys. David has been a voice of reality lately as he has realized how quickly Judah is growing into a toddler and the moments that we get to hold and squeeze him and love on him won't be here forever.

As I have found myself sleeping and resting my back every chance I have gotten this week, I have really missed my boys. They are right in front of me yet I cannot hold them or comfort them like I would want to because of my hurt back. Jonah gets that I am hurting and he has regularly asked if he could kiss my back. (I gladly let him as it seems to somehow make me feel better.) But Judah gets it as well. I often have found myself trapped in a standing position with a little blue-eyed being pulled up to my knees, grasping my pants and desperately motioning to be held. But I can't give in...I know the repercussions.

Over the past week, I have found myself thinking about mothers who are unable to ever hold their kids because of a disability. I am confident that my back will eventually feel better, but I know that there are many women out there whose conditions are permanent. The longing that they must feel each and every time they look at there child seems unbearable to me. Those thoughts make me so appreciative for the times when I get to hold my boys even when I think I need to be doing something else. The laundry can wait...the dishes and the floors as well. They are only little for a while and eventually they will not want me to hold them. So, even in the midst of not feeling so hot, I am grateful for my health and grateful for most days when I am physically able to cuddle with my boys for as long as they will allow.

Punkins

Another Fall weekend...the leaves are turning beautiful colors and there was a slight chill in the air. Saturday morning my parents, David, the boys, and I all bundled up and headed out to the farmers market. After purchasing our share of yummy area grown veggies, we decided to pick up a few "punkins" (as Jonah likes to call them). None of us declare to be artists but that doesn't mean we should be able to decorate punkins! The activity kind of made me feel as if we were fully emerging ourselves in Fall. No turning back...bring on the orchards, corn mazes, wool sweaters, and of course, football!

A Fun Fall Weekend

Recently, I have felt that my heart is about to explode with love for my boys. Sure at times they test my patience beyond belief, but it amazing how easily that melts away with a sweet little smile or an adorable random comment. They are so entertaining. Typically, Jonah is the one putting on the show, however, Judah is getting more and more of a personality and he has got us laughing.

This weekend was wonderful. I love fall and I especially love th activities of fall. Saturday, we attended the Ball State Homecoming Parade. When asked about his favorite part, Jonah said, "the drums"...and what else Jonah..."the other drums". He even took along his drum and joined along with the marching bands as they would walk by.

On Sunday, after watching the Colts win, we headed to Mounds State Park in Anderson and enjoyed a hike and mini picnic with David's dad. Jonah loved throwing rocks into every area of water he found. He also was very kind to tell me to "watch out for the roots" which is apparently something he learned from Grandpa. Judah seemed to love being lugged around in the hiking pack especially since he got to be on daddy's back and play with his head the entire time. It is a beautiful park and David and I found ourselves wondering why we do not visit it more often.

Jonah Drumming

Jonah adores drumming. He has demolished these drums but just keeps drumming and drumming anyway! I have recently made the deal that if he keeps himself dry an entire day, we will go to the store and get a new drum. He asks about his new drum everyday but he hasn't kept up his end of the bargain. Here is a little sample of his drumming...

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/G2OZj92JlJ0xcoqL0wt2dQ?feat=directlink

Shindeldecker Family Reunion 2009

On Saturday, September 25th the Shindeldeckers got together at Smiley Park in Van Wert. Though the day seemed to start out looking like rain, we ended up having a gorgeous day together. We took Grandpa out of the nursing home for the day and he really seemed to enjoy the time with the entire family. We even celebrated a belated birthday with him since it hasn't been easy to do that with his health. He loves DQ ice cream cakes (don't we all) and he always requests that he have one with the big red lips on it. We spent the day eating, talking, playing corn hole and ladder golf, climbing trees to get the ladder golf balls out of the trees, playing funny games compliments of my Aunt Penny, taking lots of pictures, and crying a bit. This was the first time that the entire family was together since my Aunt Connie passed away just before Christmas. I told my cousin, Mindy, that I always expect her mom to be there when we get together and that I even expect the items that she would always make (like her famous veggie pizza). I miss my Aunt Connie and I know that everyone else does as well.

The Smith Boys' Band

Jonah LOVES to drum. He seems to demonstrate a bit of rhythm too. Last week, he actually got to play around on the real drum set after church. He really thought he was the stuff! For Jonah's birthday last year, we purchased him a percussion set (the red bucket was not part of that). As you can see by the duct tape, Jonah has beaten his drums until they no longer could be beaten. Last night, Jonah was playing his drums to his new kids worship CD and Judah decided to join him on his piano. Right now, the combination of it all sort of sounds like a train wreck, but hey, I am sure that even the best musician sounded pretty bad when they started out. Regardless, I am very entertained by the Smith Boys' Band.

A few days away...

David and I just returned from 5 days in Nashville, TN. Every other year, (for the past 8 years) David and I travel to Nashville for the American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference. Over 6,000 professional and church lay counselors, psychiatrists, nurses, and pastors gather together for spiritual renewal as well as training on the most important areas in our field. This is the first time that David and I both attended as therapists as last time he was still completing his MA degree. He commented that it is so cool that we are actually "doing it". We have finally gotten to that point that we have talked about for quite some time where we both get to be therapists and sometimes we even get to counsel together. This conference has always served as a reminder to dream new dreams and explore new areas or at least become better at old area.

David and I loved being away. It is so strange sleeping all night without random crying and talking. The boys were back in Muncie with my parents. Though David and I were having such a great time, I missed Jonah and Judah sooooo much. I called every chance I got to see what they were doing. Jonah was continually entertaining my parents with his drumming or off the wall comments while Judah just smiled like he usually does. Before we left Muncie, David and I joked with my parents that their goals were to get Jonah potty trained and to get Judah walking before we returned home. Jonah hasn't pooped in his diapers since we left Muncie (6 days ago) and Judah has actually stood on his own for a few seconds. Dad told me today that we will have to hire he and mom to come and complete the potty training for Jonah. HaHa probably not but wow, he is definitely making tremendous progress.

Four Years Ago and Today

FOUR YEARS AGO

AND

TODAY

Today is Zoe's birthday. It has been a good day. I spent so much time over the past weeks and especially yesterday pouring our my thoughts and emotions that I feel like I was able to spend today celebrating the life of my precious little girl, Zoe Dawn Smith.

This morning, David, Jonah, Judah and I visited Zoe's grave before church. When we arrived, we noticed that someone had already been to her grave and had placed flowers in her vase. The flowers had a card tucked in them. They were from Tanya, Martha, Eric and Zoe Beth. The card and the sentiment attached to the gesture meant so much to me and David. David and I had also brought flowers...roses which we had taken from the rose bush planted in memory of David's mom. It is special and extremely significant to be able to place those flowers on Zoe's grave, connecting to of the most beautiful females we know. After giving Zoe her flowers, our family sang Happy Birthday to Zoe and we kissed the "O" (like we always do). It was so precious to see Jonah run up to kiss the "O" as soon as he could get out of the car. David told me later today that Jonah was actually going around kissing the "O's" on the other graves as well. I am sure that their mothers would have appreciated that gesture...

We spent some of the day looking at video of Zoe but much of the day was very normal, church, football, a nap and playing with the boys. Sometime before supper, I suggested to David that we give his brother and dad a call to see if they wanted to join us back at the cemetery for a walk and visit at Zoe's grave. We thought that we would end the evening getting ice cream in honor of Zoe's birthday. It was an enjoyable evening at the cemetery. Both times we were there today, there were practically no other vehicles and so we could let the kids roam free on the roads. In one area of the cemetery, the kids (plus David and Danny) found a huge mountain of mulch and enjoyed a climbing adventure. Josiah remarked that "this is the coolest" and we commented on how are kids have no fear of cemeteries but actually think they are fun to visit. After letting the kids run around in a grassy area, we decided to go back to Zoe's grave and sing Happy Birthday and kiss her "O" again before we left. I think that Josiah and Hannah could have spent the rest of the night kissing the "O". It was sweet to hear Hannah tell Zoe that she misses her, even though she was not even 2 when Zoe was born. Those kids are so adorable and it is so special to celebrate Zoe's life with them.

Football

We love football at our house...the weather, crashing on the couch, eating lunch after church in front of the tube, cheering for our teams, etc. It is ironic since I grew up in a school that didn't even have a football team! Even more ironic is the fact that one of the top players of one of our teams (the Ball State Cardinals) is from my high school. They finally organized a team about 10 years after I left. So these are pictures of my boys...in Cardinal Red and Colts' Blue. I think they are pretty cute!

An Emotional Afternoon

Tomorrow is Zoe's birthday. She would have been 4. Earlier this year, I decided that I would blog my entire journal from my pregnancy with Zoe and the days following her birth. However, just last week, I realized that my journaling stopped the day I went into labor.

Today, Jonah took David to a friend's birthday party (ironically, this friend is 1 day older than Zoe would have been) while I stayed at home with Judah and attempted to put my thoughts from September 13-19th (the day of Zoe's funeral) into words. David and Jonah just arrived home but David said that he would take the boys downstairs to watch football while I finish my thoughts. I have spent the last few hours typing, looking at old pictures, and crying. Wow...it is amazing how raw the emotions still feel at times...I guess that is especially so when one is trying to place them self back in the moment in order to recapture the experience. I cannot remember everything that happened but I did remember a lot. I am so glad that I spent this energy of which i am now depleted to put my life with Zoe into writing. I invite you, if you would like, to revisit those memories with me. They can be found in the 2005 section under September 13th-19th.

Happy Birthday Al

Today is my father-in-law's birthday. He is the best father-in-law I have ever had and he says that I am one of two of the best daughters-in-law he has ever had. Ahh...how sweet. Three years ago, we began a tradition for Al's birthday and you know how I love traditions. For years and years, I have heard Al talk about his favorite place to eat in his old stomping grounds of Fort Wayne...Coney Island Wiener Stand, "home of the steamed buns." Mostly, he used to joke about taking me there since I don't eat the main item on their menu. However, I must say that they make some pretty darn good baked beans.

So, on Labor Day, we loaded up the troops and headed to Coney Island. It definitely is a hole in the wall, but it is a great experience and it is quite fitting that this has become Al's birthday tradition. This year, before moving on to dessert at my favorite ice cream place (Cold Stone Creamery), Al led us to the creek where he used to play as a child. Al enjoys taking Jonah (and the other grandkids) to throw stones at the creek by our house (Al and Karen live just around the corner so the creek is near their house as well). During one of those walks, Al told Jonah that someday he would take him to his creek as a kid. So, on Monday we did just that. Al seemed to enjoy showing all of the grandkids his creek and the adults all seemed to enjoy watching that happen. Happy Birthday Al! We love you a ton!

Zoe meets Zoe

David and I have had two wonderful days spending time with Eric, Martha and Zoe Beth and Tanya. We have spent time laughing, playing indoor and outdoor games, watching movies, and of course feeding our faces. One of the most special things we did was taking Zoe Beth to the cemetery to "introduce her" to her namesake...our Zoe Dawn. When we arrived, Jonah got out and kissed the "O" and proceeded to ask Tanya and then Martha to kiss Zoe's "O" as well. David and I thought this would be a good time to remind Jonah of the differences between his sister Zoe and Eric and Martha's daughter, Zoe. I think he might be getting it a bit more. At the end of our visit with Zoe, we spent time praying for Zoe Beth while expressing thanks for Zoe Dawn. It was precious to hear my 2 1/2 year old pray that "Zoe would have a great day at her grave". The entire time was special knowing that Zoe was and is an important person to each of the people who sat there praying around her grave. I love you Zoe and I can hardly believe that in just one week you would have been 4.

Jonah and Zoe Bear

I have a little pink bear that I received from our friends, Phillipe and Laura, shortly after Zoe was diagnosed with Trimsomy 13. I slept with Zoe bear while I was pregnant with Zoe and for most of the year following her death. The aching arms that people talk about after the death of a child is real and holding the little bear seemed to make them feel better.

Zoe Bear even traveled to Mexico with David when he led a mission's trip while I was pregnant with Zoe. It allowed for a way for him to connect with Zoe and I and served as a reminder to pray for us daily. These days, Zoe Bear typically stays in the cabinet at the head of my bed. I still get her out on days when I am especially missing Zoe. Jonah knows about Zoe Bear and knows where we keep her. When he was little, he used to chew on Zoe Bear and that may be the reason I began putting her in the cabinet.

Recently, I have been doing a lot of blogging about Zoe. I have made numerous posts under 2005 sharing my journaling during that time. I have also been editing some of her pictures. These activities have led to several conversations with Jonah about Zoe. He has requested to sing "Zoe's song" (aka "I have a Maker") many times at bedtime and on Monday night, he asked if he could sleep with Zoe Bear. Over the last two days, Jonah and Zoe Bear have been adorable. Jonah has tucked Zoe Bear into bed, sat her at the table with him to eat, and on many occasions, I have even seen him give her random kisses on her nose.

There have been challenges to explaining to a 2 year old that his sister Zoe is not Zoe Bear and that his sister Zoe is not Eric and Martha's baby girl, Zoe Beth. Sometimes it seems that Jonah gets it and sometimes he definitely seems confused. And sometimes it seems like he understands even more than I realize.

Back to it...

I am finally getting back to it. Sometimes we have to take breaks from processing. Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming and we have to let our minds rest. I think I have been doing this for a while regarding Zoe but thinking about Shannon's kids (which you can read about two posts ago) how got me processing Zoe again whether I was ready of not. I know that shortly after I started this blog, I told myself that I would have my entire journal of my life with Zoe posted before her next birthday. Her 4th birthday is quickly approaching and I have many, many more pages to post. So, I am home alone with a couple of hours of silence before I begin seeing client. I am jumping back in......

Lions and Tigers and Monkeys and Bowling Balls

What a fun couple of days we had with my parents! They came to visit on Thursday and left Saturday and we hardly stopped moving the entire time. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera when we challenged ourselves to bumper bowling and visited the amazing Muncie farmer's market and cheered David on during his softball tournament. However, I did manage to remember my camera for our trip to the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. What a great, kid friendly zoo! Jonah had such a good time and has been asking about returning ever since we left. Judah...well he slept and smiled at people as they walked by. The animals didn't really have that much appeal for him...this time.

The drums were definitely one of Jonah's favorite things at the Zoo. If you were to ask him, he would have said that his favorite thing was brushing the goats. However, nothing held his attention like the drums did. He could have played them for hours.

Buckaw and Jonah enjoyed riding the safari sky ride through the park. Fortunately, I think Jonah was stunned just enough to keep him from trying to stand up....maybe that is what kept Buckaw seated as well.

Jonah and Memaw rode the carousel. Even though Jonah wanted to sit on an Orangutan, he had to settle for the Giant Panda. He didn't seem to mind....