5 Years...

5 Years ago today, I said goodbye to my sweet Zoe Dawn. The emotions of the week have been quite intense at times. I am grateful that today, oddly enough, I feel a significant amount of calmness. It could be contributed to the prayers of others, to the walk I had by myself early this morning, or to the flood of emotions I had on Monday...Zoe's Birthday. Maybe I am slightly depleted at this point. For some reason, this year has been harder for me. Turning 5 seems like it it a significant milestone. Neither of my younger boys have turned 5 so I haven't experienced the milestone with them but we have several friends with children who are 5 and even two friends whose children turned 5 within days of Zoe's (5th) Birthday. I sometimes wonder what life would be like with a 5 year old running around. I wonder if she would be teasing Jonah like Jonah teases Judah. David however believes that if we had an "oldest daughter", she would likely be very nurturing and would probably mother the boys. Jonah would probably get annoyed by it and Judah would probably get beaten up a little less by his big brother. Who knows? And truth is, I will never know yet I sometimes do like to imagine. Today, I miss Zoe. I miss her today like I do everyday. Monday...I missed her BADLY. I could sit at her grave and talk out loud to her but it didn't quite touch it. Crying helped and I am thankful for the tears that came Monday afternoon when my friend, Jami, allowed me some time away from the boys. It felt better. My sister-in-law, Sarah, wrote to me that "I know it hurts to remember, but I also know that it would hurt worse not to". I told her that I liked her words and that they were quotable...I have quoted her twice since then. I kind of think that is what was happening to me recently...I was hurting because of not remembering. Blame it on my avoidance, blame it on a busy life with two young boys, blame it on an intense workload. Whatever it is, I am thankful for the time to sit and reflect and remember my beautiful daughter Zoe. I love her like crazy.

The Shelf...

A week and a half ago, my parents brought the boys a tent that they had found at a rummage sale. The tent has been set up in our living room since that day and finally today, the tent came down. I just finished putting the folded up tent on the top shelf in the boys' closet right next to the bag of pink items that belonged to Zoe...her beautiful blanket (knitted by my Aunt Penny) and Zoe Bunny (a big soft bunny that I used to hold and rock when I was pregnant with Zoe and after she died when my arms would be aching to hold her).

Sometimes I feel as if my emotions are neatly put away on the shelf...not in a "stuff your emotions" sort of way but in a way that I can access them when I choose to and then put them back on the shelf until the next time I want to get them down again. Especially today I have felt as if my emotions have been more like the tent in the middle of the living room...unable to avoid...exposed. I have been more emotional, thinking about Zoe, seeing the miracle of my two little boys, talking to them about their sister, seeing a little girl in a wheelchair at last nights football game. The emotions have been unavoidable, kind of like the tent. And so these days are the days when it doesn't feel I have as much control over when the emotions come off the shelf and get placed back again...the emotions just are. Tomorrow, we will remember Zoe together as a family and many friends will remember her and us as well. I am grateful for every thought and prayer that comes our way. Earlier today when talking to my friend Jennifer in one of those moments when the tears were just there, she said "instead of trying to tell you it is going to be okay, i guess the best i can do is let you know that as your friend, I am suffering with you."

Zoe would have been 5 tomorrow.