Looking Back

Don't look back...keep pressing forward. Sometimes there is a time to do just that and sometimes there is a time to remind yourself from where you have come and what you have overcome. Recently, our youth pastor, David Hasenmyer, spoke on Phillipians 4:13. 'I can do all things through Christ who streghthens me' is not about winning the lotto or getting the next big promotion. It is much more than that. I more adequately think of the verse in these words "I have endured because of Christ". That is so true. I HAVE endured because of Christ. I have endured situations that I didn't want to endure but because of Him I have made it through. Sometimes looking back reminds us that the enduring is possible and that Christ's strength is real.

Recently, I made the decision to look back at the journal entries written while I was pregnant with Zoe. I have experienced some anxiety over wanting to archive my writings from that time. I have no professional pictures and very few things that belonged to her. Mostly what I have are my thoughts and my memories. Unfortunately, some of those memories will eventually fade and I will have more and more difficulty recalling the smell of her skin and the way it felt to hold her in my arms. My written thoughts are important in reminding me of her.

Losing Zoe was a traumatic event in my life. In therapy, one step in dealing with traumas is creating a safe environment to talk about the events. I have decided to invite you into that space that I have created. I feel safe writing. I do not feel judged (even though my grammar and spelling are not always perfect). I am choosing to look back to remember what I have endured and to remind myself of the strength that God has provided to me. I continue to walk down a path of healing from my traumas. I cannot ignore my pain or it will find me in undesireable ways. I choose to remember it myself...a way that feels much more safe.

In the upcoming days, I will be taking time to post the writings to which I am referring. You are welcome to join me in remembering by looking at the posts. They will be archived as a post written in 2005.

Even as I type this post I am reminded of the constant prayers that our family received during those times and I am grateful.

Farewell

After 10 years, the Living Room is closing. About two months ago, the announcement was made that the Living Room would be closing due to financial strain within the church. The Living Room is the coffee house ministry that David started from the ground up. He knew nothing about coffee and nothing about music yet God led David to start such a ministry. Through David and many others' sweat and tears, God created a place comfortable enough for many young adults to feel right at home. The orange, red, blue and yellow decor was only one of the qualities that made that place unique.

David and I decided to take the boys to the farewell show that was held today. We spoke to Jonah about the ministry and commented that we were said that both of the boys are just too young to understand how significant The Living Room has been to us. David and I spent every Friday night for the first 5 years of our marriage (and longer for David) at The Living Room...I stayed in the kitchen making coffee and serving snacks while David did everything required of someone who managed such a venue. He was always so calm that I don't think most of the bands traveling through ever really knew all of the details that he handled. Driving to the show, David and I spent some time processing saying goodbye to The Living Room. David handed over the ministry two years ago when he resigned his position at the church and so he said goodbye at that time. However, farewell seems a bit more final.

David brought me and the boys home tonight after we enjoyed a few of the acts. After quickly helping me get the boys down for the night, he went back to The Living Room for the final acts. Life is so different now compared to when we were young married kids who were able to spend every Friday night entertaining bands and serving coffee to hundreds of college students. Farewell to The Living Room...it was great knowing you!

They're Back!

After a week filled with ear infections, fevers, sleepless nights, poor appetites, RSV, terrible coughs, whining and crying, snot and more snot, I am glad to say that I do believe my boys are back. This weekend was beautiful not only because of the weather but even more so because Jonah and Judah were finally acting like themselves again. Jonah was exceptionally cute today. It literally made my heart jump hearing him spontaneously sing "Jesus loves me" while he played and watching him be "daddy's little helper" outside in the yard. And Judah...I had almost forgotten how great of a baby he is. It was so wonderful to see his incredible smile return. He couldn't have been more easygoing today, allowing me to do hours of yard work while he laid on a nearby blanket under the shade. They truly are the best!

Wednesday Nights

I love Wednesdays, especially Wednesday nights. It is not because I get to watch the American Idol results show or the final episodes of Lost. Currently, I work at Still Waters Professional Counseling on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I see a lot of clients on those two days and it is typically fairly tiring. I feel as if I have the best of both worlds...I have a career that I love and I get to spend a lot of time at home with my kids. I really do enjoy my job, but I LOVE Wednesday nights. I know that when I have made it to the end of my work day on Wednesday that I get to drive home where David and the boys are waiting for me. The best moment is walking through the door and hearing David say "OHHHH, mommy's home" followed shortly by Jonah running down the stairs shouting "mommy, mommy". What a wonderful way to come home. I feel so fortunate. Every Wednesday night when I pray with Jonah and Judah, I thank God that it is Wednesday night and that I get to spend the next 5 days with my boys. AHHHHHH, it is only lunch time...I can hardly wait!

Martha and Zoe Beth

Martha and I met during college at Taylor. She means the world to me. Who knew that one day we would both marry Smiths and she too could say "I love being a Smith". Martha is 32 weeks pregnant and has been experiencing signs of preeclampsia as well as distress for the baby due to inconsistent blood pressure. Martha was admitted to the hospital last week where she will likely remain for the duration of her pregnancy. Martha recently read that a 32 week fetus has the same survival rate as a full-term baby, so reaching the 32 week mark brought a great deal of relief. Though Martha is quickly getting bored (with would you believe no cell phone reception and no internet) she is being well cared for.

About 2 months ago, Martha and her husband, Eric, asked David and I how we would feel about them choosing to name their daughter after our Zoe. Martha and Eric have expressed that they have been touched and changed by Zoe and her short life. David and I took our time discussing it and came to the conclusion that we would be honored by such a gesture. It did not cross my mind until days later that Martha's Zoe would not only have the same first name but also the same last name as our Zoe...Zoe Smith. How ironic and how beautiful. Martha is choosing to call her Zoe Beth which I think is absolutely adorable! I cannot wait to meet Zoe Beth and smell her sweet sweet newborn skin.

Germs, germs, germs

On Thursday night, Jonah woke up coughing and feeling like a furnace. When he is sick, I often cave and allow him to sleep with David and I. It lasted for about 1 hour once we realized that we were getting absolutely no sleep. Jonah is quite the active little 2 year old and somehow he is even more active when he sleeps. He kept laying his head on my back and periodically would knee me...really hard. I think the icing was when I heard David say "Jonah, you HAVE to stop tickling my armpits." I couldn't help but laugh. So Friday night, I heard the sound that I loathe...a barking cough coming out of my 4 month old baby. Yep, Judah has croup. He sounds so pitiful. Judah is such a sweet and happy little boy and amazingly he is still happy even though I can tell he isn't feeling well. David and I are getting terrible sleep these nights. Their coughing immediately awakens me. However, we are managing to stay healthy so far.

Happy Easter

David and I love the old Hymns. Easter morning, David and I went into the boys' room singing "Up from the grave He arose with a mighty triumph ov'r His foes." Jonah said that he wanted to go visit Zoe's house. I didn't quite understand where that came from until David pointed out that we were singing about a grave. Jonah was connecting the word grave to Zoe's house. We took that opportunity to tell Jonah that because Jesus is no longer in his grave that we will not only one be with Jesus but that we will also be with Zoe. Our church, like many, displays Easter Lillies on Easter Sunday. David's dad purchased one in memory of Ardy, David's mom. I was very upset with myself that i had forgotten to order one for Zoe before it was too late. When we got to church, there were several Easter Lillies on the platform. I also enjoy reading through the bulletin to find out for whom the lillies were purchased. To my surprise, Waverley Grace Daugherty, our dear friends' daughter, had purchased a lilly in memory of Zoe Dawn Smith, our precious little girl. Wavey's parents tell us that they decided to have children after seeing the love we expressed for Zoe and experiencing that love for her as well. After church, we drove out to Zoe's grave to place the Easter Lilly on it for the day. It is so precious to see Jonah understanding more and more that Zoe is his sister. David and I have the habit of kissing the "O" in Zoe's name on her grave marker. Jonah kisses the "O" as well. He also tells Zoe that he loves her and misses her just like we do.