Looking Back

Don't look back...keep pressing forward. Sometimes there is a time to do just that and sometimes there is a time to remind yourself from where you have come and what you have overcome. Recently, our youth pastor, David Hasenmyer, spoke on Phillipians 4:13. 'I can do all things through Christ who streghthens me' is not about winning the lotto or getting the next big promotion. It is much more than that. I more adequately think of the verse in these words "I have endured because of Christ". That is so true. I HAVE endured because of Christ. I have endured situations that I didn't want to endure but because of Him I have made it through. Sometimes looking back reminds us that the enduring is possible and that Christ's strength is real.

Recently, I made the decision to look back at the journal entries written while I was pregnant with Zoe. I have experienced some anxiety over wanting to archive my writings from that time. I have no professional pictures and very few things that belonged to her. Mostly what I have are my thoughts and my memories. Unfortunately, some of those memories will eventually fade and I will have more and more difficulty recalling the smell of her skin and the way it felt to hold her in my arms. My written thoughts are important in reminding me of her.

Losing Zoe was a traumatic event in my life. In therapy, one step in dealing with traumas is creating a safe environment to talk about the events. I have decided to invite you into that space that I have created. I feel safe writing. I do not feel judged (even though my grammar and spelling are not always perfect). I am choosing to look back to remember what I have endured and to remind myself of the strength that God has provided to me. I continue to walk down a path of healing from my traumas. I cannot ignore my pain or it will find me in undesireable ways. I choose to remember it myself...a way that feels much more safe.

In the upcoming days, I will be taking time to post the writings to which I am referring. You are welcome to join me in remembering by looking at the posts. They will be archived as a post written in 2005.

Even as I type this post I am reminded of the constant prayers that our family received during those times and I am grateful.