Simple things

The boys are all sleeping. I decided to put Jonah and Judah in the same room for their afternoon nap for the first time and it is actually going quite well. The house is peaceful...all I can hear is the faint sound of the ocean from the noise machine in the nursery.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about simplicity. I have been getting rid of some clutter which helps. I understand that simplicity is an inward characteristic as well as an outward characteristic and I am attempting to figure out more and more what that means. I have no conclusions at this time and I am not really sure that I ever will...have conclusions that is. However, I hope that I am always trying to understand it more and more because to give up on finding the meaning I think would be a shame.

I think that Jonah is demonstrating his ability to enjoy the simple things in this picture. Here he is on this rainy morning, sitting on the counter, looking out the window for trucks, eating popcorn. Pretty simple...and it may just have been the best part of the day for both of us!

Memorial Day Visit

As odd as this may sound, David and I enjoy going to the cemetery on Memorial Day. To see the display of flags is practically breathtaking and a visual reminder of so many who have sacrificed their lives for our freedom.

The cemetery where Zoe is buried is quite beautiful. Typically there are few decorations. However, on Memorial Day weekend, there are flowers, balloons, flags and other items throughout the entire cemetery. Ever since Zoe died, I have found it very meaningful to be able to share my flowers with her...meaning, when I get flowers, I like to pass them along to her. This weekend, David gave me beautiful sunflowers for my birthday. This morning, Zoe received one of those sunflowers. Judah touched Zoe's grave for the first time today and of course we all kissed the "o". As David and I walked throughout the cemetery, we talked about how everyone visiting the graves have had a common experience of tragedy. It is interesting but most often when we are at the cemetery, we are not typically sad. It hasn't always been that way, however. Most often, we are sad and reflective for a moment and then we turn to each other and can't help but be grateful. Jonah is very used to visiting Zoe's grave. He says "hello" to Zoe when we arrive and "goodbye Zoe" when we are driving away. He walks around like he is comfortable. He is always playful...he is a two year old! We talked about the common thread of joy that we could all have but that it is not a typical display at cemeteries. I wonder how Jonah and Judah's view of death will be affected because of their regular visits to the cemetery. We often talk about our life in Jesus when we are there. I hope that this even more so has an effect on their view of death.

Birthday Celebration!

So, David tells me that I am officially one year away from the median age. I am resisting referring to myself as middle-aged but I guess it's approaching...or here. I know, I know...it is a state of mind. Nonetheless, on May 23rd, I turned 35 and so did my buddy, Jim Marker. Oh, and my little friend Joey turned 4! Since we had prior arrangements for May 23rd. David did a great job of making Friday, May 22nd and much of the 23rd an extended celebration. Sometimes I am still like a little kid in the sense that I really enjoy special treatment on my actual birthday. However, I must say that the extended celebration might be the way to go!

Throughout Friday, the boys gave me things that I love (IE. almond M&Ms, dry roasted almonds, beautiful miniature sunflowers) as well as doing random things on my to do list....that was a very special treat. On Friday night, David fixed me my birthday dinner, a tradition that we started after we got married. I LOVE that tradition and I honestly wouldn't care if he made me PB&J but that meal is actually always wonderful. It is always adorable how he puts forth extra effort into the presentation of the meal. After the meal, David took me shopping. He was my personal shopping attendant through the entire experience. I really dislike shopping but this was quite nice and I walked away with some great deals.

Saturday morning, the day got started off with a breakfast picnic in bed with all of my boys. They were absolutely adorable walking into the room singing "Happy Birthday" to me. It is so fun that Jonah actually knows the words and gets a kick out of singing. Judah was silent but smiley and adorable nonetheless! After breakfast, we all took a walk throughout the neighborhood using my coolest birthday present, a double jogger stroller. I am certain that it will get good use!

On Saturday afternoon, we headed to Hartford City for our "previous arrangements" which happened to be the annual Hartford City Mud Run. David grew up in Hartford City, a small town (actually large compared to the town in which I grew up) just north of Muncie. Over the past several years, one of David's best friends from High School, hosts this event at her parents house for some of her friends that still live in the area. Susan now lives in NC so it is a great opportunity to stay connected to people up north. Unfortunately, this is the final year for the Mud Run weekend since Susan's parents are moving to NC. Three of the pictures in this post are from the Mud Run. People (some dressed very strange) run a two mile course through a field and a creek...hence the name "Mud Run". Though I did not participate, David, his dad, his brother, our sister-in-law and our 7 yr old nephew all ran. The day is full of other activities in which you accumulate points in hopes of claiming the most points to become the Mud Run weekend champion. One of the pictures is of the "Torch Run" which took place in the evening to symbolize the final Mud Run weekend. Several runners loaded up and headed to Upland (which is 7 miles away) and they each took a 1 mile stretch handing off the torch until they ended up back in Susan's housing division. Susan's parents carried the torch the remainder of the run through fireworks at the end of their driveway. It was actually quite cool and a bit sentimental. Jonah actually got to carry the torch for a few feet at one point. He obviously thought this was something!

David had purchased a very large cake from an amazing local bakery, however, he forgot to bring it to the Mud Run. Though he felt bad, I really didn't mind....however we have had quite our share of cake to eat! Fortunately, my parents visited today and have helped us with it!!! It has been a wonderful birthday weekend. I have almost forgotten that I am 35=)

Fun with Friends!

I just think my boys are too cute sometimes. I just love watching them develop into their own. Jonah loves playing with his friends. He has gotten to play with Soren and with John this week and of course, I had to snap some pictures. Can't you just imagine fast forward 14 years and seeing John and Jonah cruising around town together.

Judah doesn't really play all that much. He is such a trooper however. He just smiled and laughed at me as I tied this bandana around his head. I hope he doesn't mind when he sees this picture several years from now.

a Parallel

Today, I posted a journal entry that I wrote on May 20th, 2005. That was 4 short days after receiving the news that Zoe had Trisomy 13. Today it seems like 4 short years and 4 days after receiving that news. Time is such an interesting thing to me. It is so relative....seeming like it has been forever since holding Zoe and seeming like it was just the other day.

The process of posting my entries from that time has been good. Sometimes the thought of looking into pain is scary but sometimes the reality of looking into the pain reminds you of just how strong you are.

I find myself thinking...

I am guessing that most parents find themselves thinking about the future of their children. I think that the moment a woman discovers she is pregnant she begins thinking about the future of her child. On Monday, May 11th, Judah turned 5 months. Here he is in his Taylor University onesie...as cute as can be. Just the other day, David, the boys and I were taking a walk through the neighborhood (one of my absolute favorite things to do) and I was talking to Jonah and Judah about college. I suggested that one day they might attend Ball State or Taylor and then I heard myself say, "you can go anywhere as long as it is within a 20 mile radius of mommy." Oops, I guess I might be one of THOSE moms. Anyway, the whole point is, I find myself wondering what will be in store for my boys. I know that the entire world is open to their discovery and I have enjoyed watching them discover all that they have to this point.

So, it was a big week for Jonah as well. On the 15th, he turned 2 1/2. We had been referring to the 15th as "measuring day". Some time ago, our pediatrician stated that if you double a boys height when they are 2 1/2 years old, you will have their approximate adult height. Because David and I are silly, we were looking forward to May 15th to find out just how tall Jonah might be. It seems that according to this formula, he will be 6ft 1in. Regardless of the accuracy, it made be realize that one of these days, the little boy that I lug around on my hip will one day be taller than me! And if the measurement is correct, he will actually even be taller than David. Hmmm. Man, I love those boys!

Mother's Day is not always happy...

Today is Mother's Day. Mother's Day is another one of those days filled with different emotions. I have felt the range. I remember the days before I was married when Mother's Day was for my mom and the moms of my friends. I didn't really get it to be honest but I knew that it was the day that I would get my mom a card and maybe some chocolate or flowers. I remember expressing Happy Mother's Day but again, not really getting it. As I have gotten older, I have realized that for me, Mother's Day has come to be a day that I am reminded of the pains and joys of being a mother. My friend Sandy once told me that having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of yourself (it was not originally her quote but I think it is a great one). I also think that there is something to be said about wanting a child so desperately and still having the feeling of your heart being exposed and vulnerable.

I recall those days...the days when I so desperately wanted to be a mother but having two Mother's Days pass with just the unfulfilled ache inside my heart. It is often a silent hurt....a hurt of which I am so much more aware exists in others.

I recall my Mother's Day 4 years ago, in 2005. It was my happiest Mother's Day by far. I am ironically reminded of those emotions just this past week as I have been adding in past journal entries from that time to this blog. May 15, 2005 was the first Mother's Day that I was a mother. I was 4 months pregnant with Zoe and it was the day before we received the news that she had Trisomy 13. I was so proud that day and enjoying every Happy Mother's Day wish sent my way. I remember experiencing such complete happiness that Mother's Day.

Today was definitely a happy Mother's Day. I am completely grateful for the two healthy sons that God has given me. I thoroughly enjoy watching David (now with the assistance of Jonah) plant flowers around our house (a tradition that began in 2006 when Jonah was 6 months old and was clearly unable to help). However, there is also a dull pain that is present amidst the happiness. I can't help but think of Zoe and of Micah and the image of watching them join in on the activities of the day. I can't help but miss them yet I also cannot help but be grateful for them.

Why is it that our own pain often allows us to see the pain of others...that pain that was present even before ours occurred? At church today, I sat between David and my own mother. I am mindful of that Mother's Day has its own unique set of emotions for them as well. My mother has not celebrated Mother's Day with her own mother for over 40 years and David has not had his mom for 9 years now.

Today, we planted two red rose bushes in our back yard next to the lilac tree that my relatives planted for us when Zoe died. One rose bush is in honor of David's mother, Ardy, whom we continue to miss like crazy. The other rose bush is in honor of Micah. We have never had a place to memorialize for Micah because losing him was just so unique, tough, uncharted, however you want to say it. Planting the rose bush in honor of him seemed right. So, we jokingly call that area in the backyard, "Memorial Lane". It actually is really beautiful and visible from several windows in our house.

We ended the day by taking a long walk through the cemetery or "Zoe's House" as Jonah often calls it. Between chasing Jonah and pacifying Judah, David and I had moments of reflecting on our life. He is so great at reminding us how once we received Zoe's diagnosis, we never thought it would be possible to have what we have today...two beautiful healthy biological sons. I pray that the pain I have experienced will only bring about more gratitude for the blessings that I have and have had.

...I must remember that blessings are no less a blessing once they are gone.

Happy First Mother's Day Mart!

Yesterday, David and I made a quick trip to Ohio to visit with Eric, Martha, and Zoe Beth. This was David's first chance to meet Zoe Beth. After a long week of battling with unstable post-delivery blood pressure, Martha was finally released just before we arrived. She has been given the wonderful opportunity to stay at the hospital ("Hotel Stay") while she waits for little Zoe to be released. David and I met up with Martha and Eric just before they were headed to the nursey to feed Zoe. She is doing great...completely off of oxygen and eating well...two important parts of being able to go home. Zoe is now a whopping 3 lbs. 8.5 oz. None of the pictures do justice to just how tiny she is. She is just beautiful.

It was very special to introduce David to Zoe. Several times throughout the night, he would spontaneously say, "You really named your daughter Zoe." It is so special to both of us and quite difficult to express just what it means. Martha has thought of our Zoe often as she has watched very sick babies be transported from their hospital to a nearby children's hospital and as she has pondered how well her Zoe is doing despite her difficult pregnancy and early delivery.

David and I and our friend Tanya celebrated Martha's first mother's day by taking Martha and Eric out to Red Lobster. It was such a great evening enjoying the blessing of such wonderful friends...and the garlic cheesy bread was a nice bonus!

Zoe Elizabeth Zola

So on Thursday afternoon while feeding Judah, I received a phone call from my friend Martha telling me that the doctors had decided to perform a c-section on Friday morning. I quickly started making details with my other college buddy, Tanya, to get to Springfield, Ohio as soon as possible. Tanya and I left Thursday night (with Judah) and arrived at the hospital at about 11pm. Fortunately, we were able to get into the hospital via the ER where everyone happened to be wearing face masks to protect themselves from possible swine flu contamination. I must say that was quite an odd sight and by the way, no one had the virus there. Anyhow, Martha, Judah and I visited with Martha for about an hour and headed to Tanya's parents' house for a short nights sleep.

We were back at the hospital at 7:30am to visit and pray with Eric, Martha and her mom prior to the surgery. I brought a couple of special blankets and a picture frame that I wanted to give Eric and Martha from my Zoe to theirs. They were blankets and a frame that I fully intended to use with my Zoe but was unable to. Martha and Eric were touched and very appreciative to say the least.

Martha delivered Zoe Beth at 9:26am after a fairly uneventful surgery...as uneventful as cutting open your tummy and pulling a baby out by their head can be! She has only had slight help breathing which is pretty remarkable for a 34 week baby. She is already down to 25% oxygen and is keeping her oxygen saturation level up on her own. She is really, really doing well. And she is so beautiful...teeny tiny weighing in at only 3lbs. 5 oz. and measuring 16 inches. She has the most amazing blond hair...more blond than any of us have ever seen. All of the nurses are raving about how blond she is. Martha says that she looks like a surfer dude and I would have to agree.

Zoe Beth is being well taken care in the hospital nurses. I have gotten to visit with her and talk to her a couple of times. Every report from the doctors just keeps getting more and more positive. We are so grateful.