Mother's Day is not always happy...

Today is Mother's Day. Mother's Day is another one of those days filled with different emotions. I have felt the range. I remember the days before I was married when Mother's Day was for my mom and the moms of my friends. I didn't really get it to be honest but I knew that it was the day that I would get my mom a card and maybe some chocolate or flowers. I remember expressing Happy Mother's Day but again, not really getting it. As I have gotten older, I have realized that for me, Mother's Day has come to be a day that I am reminded of the pains and joys of being a mother. My friend Sandy once told me that having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of yourself (it was not originally her quote but I think it is a great one). I also think that there is something to be said about wanting a child so desperately and still having the feeling of your heart being exposed and vulnerable.

I recall those days...the days when I so desperately wanted to be a mother but having two Mother's Days pass with just the unfulfilled ache inside my heart. It is often a silent hurt....a hurt of which I am so much more aware exists in others.

I recall my Mother's Day 4 years ago, in 2005. It was my happiest Mother's Day by far. I am ironically reminded of those emotions just this past week as I have been adding in past journal entries from that time to this blog. May 15, 2005 was the first Mother's Day that I was a mother. I was 4 months pregnant with Zoe and it was the day before we received the news that she had Trisomy 13. I was so proud that day and enjoying every Happy Mother's Day wish sent my way. I remember experiencing such complete happiness that Mother's Day.

Today was definitely a happy Mother's Day. I am completely grateful for the two healthy sons that God has given me. I thoroughly enjoy watching David (now with the assistance of Jonah) plant flowers around our house (a tradition that began in 2006 when Jonah was 6 months old and was clearly unable to help). However, there is also a dull pain that is present amidst the happiness. I can't help but think of Zoe and of Micah and the image of watching them join in on the activities of the day. I can't help but miss them yet I also cannot help but be grateful for them.

Why is it that our own pain often allows us to see the pain of others...that pain that was present even before ours occurred? At church today, I sat between David and my own mother. I am mindful of that Mother's Day has its own unique set of emotions for them as well. My mother has not celebrated Mother's Day with her own mother for over 40 years and David has not had his mom for 9 years now.

Today, we planted two red rose bushes in our back yard next to the lilac tree that my relatives planted for us when Zoe died. One rose bush is in honor of David's mother, Ardy, whom we continue to miss like crazy. The other rose bush is in honor of Micah. We have never had a place to memorialize for Micah because losing him was just so unique, tough, uncharted, however you want to say it. Planting the rose bush in honor of him seemed right. So, we jokingly call that area in the backyard, "Memorial Lane". It actually is really beautiful and visible from several windows in our house.

We ended the day by taking a long walk through the cemetery or "Zoe's House" as Jonah often calls it. Between chasing Jonah and pacifying Judah, David and I had moments of reflecting on our life. He is so great at reminding us how once we received Zoe's diagnosis, we never thought it would be possible to have what we have today...two beautiful healthy biological sons. I pray that the pain I have experienced will only bring about more gratitude for the blessings that I have and have had.

...I must remember that blessings are no less a blessing once they are gone.