A Letter to Zoe

To my daughter Zoe- September 19, 2005

You are our miracle. Your name means life and you are our gift of life. For years, your daddy and I longed for you. We didn’t know what you would look like or how you would act but yet we longed specifically for you. That became clear when we saw you for the first time and began to understand who you were.

I love you Zoe. I have desired to be a mother for so long now and your life allowed that dream to come true. I have longed for a child to know that I am their mother and to receive that look that only a mommy receives from their child. You gave that to me Zoe. You would look at me with your deep blue eyes that reminded me of your daddy and you would extend your arms toward me like you knew who I was. You seemed to know that I loved you and wanted to do everything in my power to protect you and make you feel safe. Thank you for recognizing my love for you, Zoe, and for loving me back.

Zoe, I am convinced that you were a fighter and I am certain that God’s hand was on your life from the time you were conceived. Throughout the time you were in my womb, God continued to display miracles through your progress. God healed your body in so many ways for which the doctors had no explanation. Your life gave us hope, Zoe, and I believe that it gave hope to so many others as well. Thank you, God, for the miracles that provided us with hope. Thank you, Zoe, for fighting and allowing God to work through you.

Zoe, though I knew in my mind that your life would be brief, you gave me such joy. Though I have experienced joy in my life, this joy was unique. I will forever treasure the 2 ½ days you spent with us. My heart breaks as I consider the knowledge that I will never again be able to hold and comfort you in my arms during my life on earth. You are and will always be our precious little Zoe. I know that now you are being comforted in the arms of your loving Heavenly Father. He will take care of you, but you already know that. I have always known that Jesus loves children and though I desperately want to have you in my arms, there is no place safer you could be than with Him.

I will miss you Zoe. I will miss everything about you. You were perfect to me and now I understand why I longed specifically for you. You taught me so much and I am grateful that God entrusted us with your precious life.

David's message at Zoe's funeral...

DAVID'S TALK…

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for being here tonight. There are many things I could tell you about:

I could tell you about how scary it was to think my baby girl might die.
I could tell you how wonderful it was to finally see Zoe and hold her and kiss her, and truly feel like a dad for the first time.
I could tell you how hard it is to know I will never see Zoe fall asleep on my chest.
I could tell you how thankful I am for the compassionate medical staff that gave Zoe every chance to live that they could.
I could tell you how hard it is to see my wife’s broken heart.

So many things, but instead, I am going to tell you the top six things I ever did to prepare for the most unpreparable moment I ever faced.

# 6 I have tried to face pain, not fear pain. This is something I have had to learn. I used to fear pain, avoid pain, ignore pain, and feel sorry for myself during pain. Those things left me inept to deal with pain. Therefore, I have tried to face pain.

# 5 I have tried to enjoy the gifts God has given to me instead of fixating on the things I don’t have. That has never been more necessary than this week.

# 4 I have tried to never give up on family. My nephew Josiah says, “It is happy to be a family.” And it is, but it hasn’t always been happy to be a family. So, in my family we have tried to never give up on each other. I love my family.

# 3 I have tried to be committed to my friends. That is what Jesus did. He considers us friends, and so he is committed to us all the way. I have tried to be committed to my friends.
Some people say that you should surround yourself with great people, and though that is true, I say that you should love the people you are around and they will become great people. I love my friends.

# 2 I have tried to spend time daily allowing Jesus to remind me of who He is, who I am, and who He has created me to be. I love Jesus

# 1 I made a decision to be committed to my wife. Christina and I know that no matter what we go through, we are going through it together. I love my wife.

Some of you may ask me for a copy of this list when I get done. I won’t give it to you, because you don’t need it. All you need to do is be committed to your friends, which includes your spouse and family, and be committed to Jesus, and in your time of pain, you will see your own list at work in your life.

The Next Few Days were a Blur...

The next few days……..

Most things were a blur at this time. I know that we saw people and I know that I tried to sleep though most of the time unsuccessfully. Fortunately, my body which was recovering from major surgery was actually doing well…whether that was reality or out of shock I am not sure. David and I spent time planning our daughter’s funeral instead of taking care of her…the natural thing to do in those first few days. We visited the funeral home to make arrangements and we picked out a grave site and grave marker. Karen and Nichole spent several hours trying to find a burial gown for Zoe because I could not bring myself to do that. What they found was perfect.

On September 19, 2009 at 5:30pm, we had a beautiful graveside memorial service for Zoe at Gardens of Memories. While getting ready for Zoe’s funeral, I will always remember how David expressed that he wanted to look nice for Zoe and how he felt that he was not only getting ready for her funeral but for her prom and her wedding and every other important event that he would not get to experience with her. About 200 friends and family were there. Even Dr. Donna (the neonatologist) and the nurse Debbie were there. Dr. Donna presented David and I with an amazing scrapbook of Zoe that will forever be a treasure to me. Jeff and Sarah provided the music, “Your Love” (one of Sarah’s songs) and “You Have a Maker”. Danny shared about his time with Zoe and gave our friends and extended family the opportunity to hear about Zoe from his perspective. Nichole read a letter that I had written for Zoe. David shared a brief message entitled “the top 6 things I ever did to prepare for the most unpreparable thing I have ever faced”. Our Pastor, Ted Ewing shared some thoughts to close the service. He spoke about what to say and what not to say and he read some extremely fitting Psalms. It was a perfect service. David and I spent some time greeting our friends and family as they walked past Zoe’s closed casket. They commented on how beautiful she was from the pictures we had displayed.

Many of the visitors joined us for a dinner that was organized for us at the Hotel Roberts in downtown Muncie. It was good to be able to visit with people and to just have the opportunity to break away from the intensity of what we had been feeling. Our church and our friend, JD really took care of us in regards to the dinner and finding a place large enough to host it (since we did not have a church building at that time). We truly truly appreciated the way they took care of our family.

My last moments with Zoe...

9/16/05

I could hardly sleep. Even though I didn’t even get back to my room until about 1:00 am, by 4:00am I just couldn’t stay in my room any longer. Again, I walked down to the NICU in tears. When I entered the nursery, the nurses said that they were about to call me. They told me that Zoe’s stats were getting worse and they thought she might be going soon. Zoe was shaking a bit and her eyes were closed. They told me that they had given her some Tylenol just in case she was hurting. I asked the nurse to call down to the room to get David. David had just awakened because he too felt there was something happening. He joined me in the NICU within just a few minutes.

After David and I realized what was happening, David stepped outside of the NICU to call our family so that they could come to the hospital just to be there even though we wanted to be alone with Zoe. When David came back in, the nurses pulled two comfortable chairs near Zoe’s bed and closed the curtains around us for privacy. They placed Zoe in my arms and we all decided that it was time to remove the ventilator. So at 5:27am, the ventilator came out. Zoe’s face was so precious. Her lips were so sweet and without the ventilator I just kept kissing them and kissing them. David held me as I held Zoe. I remember telling her that she didn’t need to be scared and that Jesus would take care of her. I kept telling her how precious she is and how much I love her. Zoe’s breaths were shallow and every few seconds, she would pucker her lips as the air would escape. After several minutes, the nurses led us down to our hospital room so that David and I could be alone with Zoe. It was wonderful walking with her in my arms for the first time….no tubes…just my baby girl.

David and I continued to hold Zoe and talk to her in our hospital room. She breathed on her own for almost 45 minutes, but at 6:11am, Zoe took her final breath and she died peacefully in my arms. Dr. Donna came into our room and cried with us as she examined Zoe to confirm that she was no longer breathing.

The staff gave us permission to have as much time as we wanted with Zoe before they took her from us. David and I weren’t sure what to do at that time but we knew we weren’t ready to leave her. David went to our family who was two rooms down in an empty hospital room that the nurses offered to them and shared with them that Zoe had passed. He offered for them to see Zoe one last time but they decided that it would be best for us to have the final moments without them.

David came back into the room while I was still holding Zoe. I decided that I would change her diaper, put on lotion, brush her hair, and put clothes on her. Since she couldn’t wear clothes in the NICU, this was the first time I had seen her dressed. Zoe was floating in her gown and I realized again just how tiny she was. David wanted to hold Zoe and wanted to see what it would feel like to have her fall asleep on his chest. He said that it felt so good to hold her like that.

When David and I had spent our time with Zoe, we let the nurses know that they could come and get Zoe. Seeing her be taken away in her bassinette was incredibly difficult for both me and David. We could hardly bare that this is the last time we would see her. David fell to his knees and just put his hands in his head while he cried. Up to that point, David had refrained from showing much emotion. He had primarily attempted to be my support and comfort me as best he could.

Once Zoe was gone, I knew that I wanted out of the hospital as soon as possible. We spent a few minutes with our family in the other room while they hugged us and cried with us and then most of them left while Danny and Martha stayed to help us load up our belongings. I waited patiently for the nurse to discharge us but inside I just needed out of there. Once discharged, a nurse came to the room to wheel me out to the pick-up area where Danny would be waiting for us in the van. Being wheeled out of the hospital without my Zoe was possibly the hardest moment. I felt so empty and so alone. I came into the hospital with her and left without her. That is not the way it is intended to be but this was my reality. I could not hold back my tears and I am afraid that many patients could hear me as I was wheeled down the mother and baby unit. It just hurt so much.

I recall Danny picking us up outside the hospital and I recall that it was actually a warm beautiful day. I know that we were home by 10am and I recall sitting on Zoe’s nursery floor weeping for her. I was exhausted and I know that David eventually helped me to my bed and insisted I get some rest. I slept for several hours.

At some point, we had decided that our small group could come over for dinner that night. They had been praying through every moment of the entire journey and they had not been allowed to be with us through the last few days since David and I were only letting family be there. They wanted to see us and wanted to just offer their support. I remember that I walked downstairs after almost everyone had arrived and I felt very awkward. No one knew what to say…how could they have. Eventually, some people began to ask questions and they wanted to see pictures of Zoe. It was nice to talk about my little girl.

Thursday with Zoe...

9/15/05
Early Thursday (it was probably about 3am), I could no longer rest in my room. I slowly eased out of bed and shuffled down to the NICU. I had to see Zoe. I remember that I was crying before I even got through the door. The nurses immediately helped me hold Zoe. I needed to pray with her. I needed to sing to her. I needed to touch her and tell her how much I loved her. It was hitting me to hard that she would not be with me for long and I just needed to be with her.

So on Thursday, Zoe received a lot of physical attention. My parents, David’s dad and Karen, Danny, Nichole and Michele all had the opportunity to hold her at least one time. Every time someone held Zoe, a respiratory therapist would have to hold her ventilator the entire time. They NEVER hesitated and I am so grateful for the concern they showed to our family knowing that every moment we held her was truly a blessing.

On Thursday night, I had decided that I wanted the entire family to be present for Zoe’s second day birthday. The NICU gave us special permission to have 14 people surrounding Zoe for her birthday party. I knew that this might be the last time that most of our family would get to be with Zoe since we had determined that we would be removing the ventilator on Friday morning at about 9:00am. After David and I had spent some special alone time with Zoe, our family came in to join us. At 10:44pm, we all sang Happy Birthday to Zoe. Karen had even purchased a cake that Nichole showed to Zoe while we sang to her. The nurses and even Dr. Donna stood with us during the celebration. One nurse (Debbie) who took extra special care of us and Zoe, gave Zoe a baby ring. I treasure this so much. After singing Happy Birthday, we spent some time praying together and thanking God for Zoe. Then we sang “You have a Maker” a song that I began singing to Zoe from the first time I saw her. It is actually called “I have a Maker” but I thought that it was fitting to sing it to her in this tense, Just before saying goodnight to Zoe, our children’s pastor (Chris Sherck) spent time dedicating Zoe. He spoke about the significance of her name Zoe (meaning the essence of life) and prayed for us and Zoe. Pastor Chris presented us with a yellow rose and a Children’s Bible for Zoe. At the end of the night, David and I suggested that everyone give Zoe a goodnight kiss on her forehead. Everyone did….some spoke to her while others couldn’t even speak.

She was so alert that night. I saw her eyes more than ever and she was moving her arms so much. She would do this move that David and I call “Super Zoe” because it appeared that she was getting ready to fly away like a superhero. I value that night with Zoe. I felt like we were really interacting and that she was trying to tell me something by the way she would look at me.

Thoughts from Martha

9-14-05

I can't believe that the day is here. I have been waiting and praying for Christina and David to have their own little baby for sooooo long. I don't know how they have made it as far as they have. I might of given up, if that were an option, but they found the strength to continue. They have endured so many emotions leading up to the birth of Zoe. I know that I have been on a rollercoaster since David called me with the news of Zoe's condition. My heart has praised God for giving them a child and ached about the unknown of what Zoe's life will be like. I am so glad that people came around Chris and David and tried to support them in the best way that they knew how.

I have wondered how today would be. I never thought though that I would have somehow missed the call from Chris and David that they were having the baby. I mean, I have been sleeping with my cell phone, but I guess that it wasn't meant to be. I guess that I was supposed to actually arrive on the day after Zoe's birth.

When I received the message from David, I was just arriving at Camp Mary Orton for a camp work day with Godman Guild. I noticed the message before I went to meet with everyone. When I listened to it, I was in complete shock. I knew that Zoe was here and that I had completely missed the moment. My mind was racing as tears streamed down my face. I couldn't get a grasp of my emotions and what was happening. Marcie and Wendy noticed me and came over to talk. They could both immediately tell that I was in no mood to be at the camp. I had warned Wendy that when Zoe came, that I would need some time off. Marcie told me to get in the car and get to Indiana. I could tell that Wendy was a little befuddled as she is my boss but whatever. I jumped back in the car still in tears and called Eric. I told him the news and that I was going to run home and grab some clothes and get to Indiana.

On my way home, I got ahold of David and found out that Zoe was born the night before. She needed oxygen, and they were running other tests. They were both exhausted but seemed somewhat encouraged. They had both held Zoe. I told David that I would get there as soon as I could. I called many others folks to tell them the news like T, my mom, and Bobbie. I wanted the prayers to roll in.

It was such a long trip. I was so anxious to see Christina and meet Zoe. My heart and mind were going a million different directions. I knew though that one prayer had been answered. Zoe was here and very much alive. I was praying on and off through the trip for Zoe, Chris, David, family, friends, and praise to God.

When I finally arrived at the hospital, I joined Christina and David's family. Christina was doing amazingly well for having undergone surgery and soon was ready to take me in to see Zoe.

Having never been in a NICU, I was a little bit overwhelmed at first by the procedures and all of the equipment, but when we made it over to Zoe, I was overcome. She was so beautiful with Christina's dark hair. I never would have known that she had trisomy 13 by looking at her. You could see Christina's love flow out around Zoe. She is a mom. We had been waiting for this day. David was a little more stoic but still so happy to be a dad. I think that he was also just concerned for Chris. While I knew that we didn't know yet what all of the tests might show, I was so thankful that I was able to be with Zoe. The hard part was not scooping her up and kissing her all over.

Wednesday with Zoe...

9-14-05
I slept hard for a few hours but as soon as I was able, I had the nurses help me into a wheelchair in order to go to the NICU to see my little girl. She was just as beautiful as I had remembered in my drugged state. She was laying in her warm bassinette with just a diaper. She had wires and tubes all over her and she looked so tiny. I wanted to hold her but I barely had the strength to even sit up beside her bassinette. I held her hand and talked to her. Her hair was so silky and I loved touching it.

At some point that morning, we received a phone call from Martha. She was in tears because she had missed our message the night before and was so sad that she was not already at the hospital. She wanted us to know that she would be there as soon as possible. Also that morning, Dr. Donna brought the results of the Echocardiogram (EKG). She explained to us that they did not get clear enough pictures and that they would be performing another one before noon.

I gathered enough strength to visit Zoe in the NICU every couple of hours. Our family and Martha would take turns going in with us to see Zoe. Typically it is only supposed to be two visitors at a time but the staff made an exception for us. Sometime mid-afternoon, Dr. Donna sat back down with me and David in my room and explained to us the results of the second EKG. A specialist at Riley had already interpreted the results and had explained that Zoe’s heart was worse than we realized and that he would not be able to perform surgery on her. Apparently, the pulmonary valve was extremely blocked and the only reason Zoe’s heart was getting any oxygen was due to a secondary valve that remains open for the first few days of any baby’s life. It generally closes within the first week or so and at that point, Zoe would be struggling to get any oxygen to her heart. Dr. Donna told us what the specialist had relayed to her but when she realizes we had questions she hooked up a phone in order for us to have a conference call with the doctor. He explained the results just as she did and explained that basically, there are too many problems with the wiring of Zoe’s heart and that there was nothing he could do. We were told that Zoe could last days, she could last weeks, or she could last hours. I was devastated and couldn’t remain strong. I knew that she was going to die and the pain was so heavy. I feel it now in my throat and chest even as I rewrite the story. David and I were immediately faced with a parent’s toughest decision…how long to we allow her heart to be artificially oxygenated…when do we decide that we will take her off of the ventilator to see what she is capable of doing on her own. I knew that I couldn’t do it then. I didn’t think I could ever do it. Yet I knew that a decision had to be made. David and I talked throughout the day and decided that we would look at removing Zoe’s ventilator on Friday, Sept 16 at 9:00am. I wanted to give my family and David and I an opportunity to hold Zoe and spend time with her on Thursday.

At 10:44pm on Wednesday, Martha and David went down with me to wish Zoe a Happy 1 day Birthday. We sang to her and I put lotion on her tiny body and combed her beautiful hair. I had also brought a casting set to take footprints of Zoe. They didn’t turn out so well and the nurses who were helping us were very upset by that…so upset that the next morning, they had made their won casting that were better than I could have imagined. They are very special to me to this day and I am still amazed to notice that her foot was about the size of my big toe.

Zoe's Arrival...

9-13-05 (The Big Day)…

I had been feeling strange a lot of the day. I hadn’t really felt Zoe move much since late yesterday. When I did feel her move, the feeling was more like she was having hiccups than the normal squirming around that I would feel. I laid down a few times today…after eating breakfast and again after eating lunch and I still didn’t feel a lot of movement during those times. At about 3:30pm I was really starting to get worried…what if something was going wrong and something bad was happening to Zoe? I began intensely focusing on trying to count Zoe’s movements. I think you are supposed to feel between 5-10 in one hour and I just wasn’t. At about 4:00 I decided to eat some chocolate chips thinking that maybe the quick amount of sugar would cause Zoe to start moving more so I could know that she was okay. At 4:45 I was really getting worried and decided to call David. He answered his cell phone right away and said that he was thinking that he should come home. I told him that I was worried because I hadn’t been feeling Zoe much and that I was thinking about calling Dr. Landwehr. David said he would be home in just a few minutes and so we decided to wait and call the doctor when he arrived. By the time David got home, I had loaded up the cameras and gotten out Dr. Landwehr’s number. (Ironically, something urged me to charge the cameras the previous night.) I had also gone to the bathroom and felt like I was starting to leak a little bit of fluid but it was all new to me so I wasn’t sure what that meant.

I had David call Dr. Landwehr’s office because I was getting emotional and worried by that time. We paged Dr. Landwehr and he called us back right away. He suggested that we come into the labor and delivery unit to assess what was happening. David and I grabbed the cameras, my back x-rays and headed out the door. We arrived at Labor and Delivery at about 5:30. Dana Crosby, who was the nurse that did the private birthing classes for me and David, was waiting for us at the front of the unit. Unfortunately, she was only going to be there until 7:00pm after working a 12 hour shift. Dana made a copy of our insurance card and took us to our room. She said that if I was just having discharge, they would send me home for a while but if my water had broke, we would be staying and having a baby. Before looking at the fluid, Dana hooked up a monitor to find Zoe’s heartbeat. She found it right away and it was as strong as ever. I heard David crying beside me. He hadn’t shown much emotion to that point and said that he didn’t realize how concerned he was until he heard her heartbeat. Dana tested the fluid with some type of litmus paper test and said “guess what color it is supposed to be if it is amniotic fluid?” It was obvious in how she said it that it was the correct color. Therefore, David and I were staying to have our baby. A few seconds after absorbing the news, David started jumping up and down saying “we’re having a baby. We’re having a baby.”

>>>>>>>Apparently I wrote the first portion of this account sometime shortly after Zoe was born but I stopped at that point. Maybe it was too much, maybe I didn’t have the energy. I just am not sure. So, this year, 2009, I will use my energy surrounding Zoe’s birthday to fill in the details…the details of memories that I want to never forget. I am afraid that some of the memories have faded but I want to capture them before they are gone. <<<<<<<<

After David jumped around for a while, we attempted to think through what was happening and what we needed to do next. David helped me make a list of things to get from home since I hadn’t had the chance to pack my hospital bags yet. I believe that I already had a small one packed for Zoe with her clothes in it but I didn’t have any for myself. David left as soon as he could and he called our offices to make sure they started do what needed to be done to clear our schedules. David also had to contact Sarah to let her know that he would not be at the Living Room service so she would have to be in charge for the evening. David was back at the hospital by about 7:00pm. I was apparently having contractions but they weren’t that strong yet. Because of my back problems I think I had prepared myself for back labor which I fortunately wasn’t having.

Once David returned, we thought that we needed to start calling our family. I am not really sure where the time went because I don’t think that we got in touch with my parents until about 8:30 or so. I know that they packed up and got into their car and headed to Muncie as quick as they could. I know that David called his dad and Karen and he called Danny and Nichole (Danny was at Asbury Seminary in KY at that time). David told Nichole that there was only one reason he would be calling at that time and Nichole said they would get there as soon as possible. Dr. Landwehr came in and checked on me a few times but by about 9:00pm he told us he was headed home and that he would continue to monitor me from home. We also spoke with Dr. Donna Wilkins, the neonatologist on duty. Dr. Donna became one of our favorite people as she walked through every step with us. Before Dr. Landwehr left, he also told me that I could get an epidural at any point if I was feeling too much pain. I opted to continue to wait for a while since the labor still didn’t seem that intense. By about 10:15pm, Dr. Landwehr had come back into my room and asked us “so are you ready to have a baby?” Dr. Landwehr explained that Zoe was not tolerated labor very well and that he felt it was time to perform an emergency C section.

The next ½ hour moved very quickly and yet very slow. The nurses prepped me for surgery and quickly took me into the operating room. I remember lots of medical staff and the cool, bright operating room. The anesthesiologist administered the spinal and the bottom 3/4ths of my body soon was numb. Dr. Landwehr entered the operating room and by now there must have been 10-12 medical staff, including Dr. Landwehr’s team and the NICU team. David was brought back into the OR soon after Dr. Landwehr and he was directed to take a seat on a stool that was positioned just to the left of my head. Dr. Landwehr immediately started to cut through my abdomen trying to get to Zoe as quickly as possible.

Zoe was born at 10:44pm on Tuesday, September 13, 2005 exactly 1 month before her due date and just one day shy of being considered within “term”. Zoe was 5 pounds 6 ounces and 18 inches long. I distinctly remember Zoe quickly being taken over by the Neonatologist to their “exam table”. I did not hear her cry and though I knew she was having difficulty breathing, David told me that she was moving. It took several minutes before I could see Zoe but eventually Dr. Donna brought her to me, swaddled in a white blanket already on a small ventilator. I thought she was beautiful and she was starring right at me. It was like she already knew who I was. She had a cute little wrinkled forehead, blue eyes, and beautiful wavy brown hair. Unfortunately, she couldn't stay there long as they needed to take Zoe away to the NICU to address her immediate needs. Before long, I was sewn up and taken to the recovery room. I don’t remember a lot there except that I felt very drugged. David reminds me that I had been laboring for 6 hours and then was taken into surgery and that would be exhausting for anyone. I remember that my parents and David’s dad and Karen came into the recovery room for a few minutes to visit with me. I was struggling to stay awake through all of it. During this time, David came back in to walk beside me as I was pushed on the gurney into the Neonatal ICU. He had spent the last hour or so with Zoe as the doctors worked on her. David said that he did a lot watching as they poked and examined Zoe and he tried not to ask too many questions. By the time he came to get me, all he really knew was that Zoe was alive, she was having difficulty breathing and that he didn’t really know what that all meant. I remember being wheeled into the NICU right beside Zoe’s bed. I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open. The nurses placed Zoe on my chest so that I could “hold” her. She had a ventilator and two nurses had to help hold it in place while I was holding her. I kissed her and rubbed her face. She was asleep from exhaustion I am sure. The next thing I knew, I was in my post-partum room and drifting off. I vaguely remember hearing David talking to Danny before falling asleep.

The Briarwood Shower

These are my friends from The Briarwood Clinic, the office where I counseled while I was pregnant with Zoe. They were extremely supportive of me during that time, sending flowers regularly, asking me how I was doing, putting up with my depressed mood many days, and carrying my load when they could. The Clinic decided to throw a shower for me on 9/9/05 and most of the Clinic was able to attend. They were so kind and generous. We had no idea that this would end up being just 4 days before Zoe was born.

33 weeks...

33 weeks pregnant and feeling huge! I believe that my ankles were swelling significantly by this point.

Reunited...

Picking up David from the airport (8-6-05)…
David asked if I would be willing to pick him and some of the other teammates up at the airport. I was happy to pick him up because I was ready to see him. It felt kind of like when we were dating…the thrill of getting to see him after being apart for several days. David arrived at the baggage claim about 15 minutes after I got there. He had the hugest smile on his face, one that definitely said that he was glad to see me. We hugged for a long time. He felt warm and comfortable and safe. He was so sweet telling me how wonderful it was to see me, how much he missed me, and how he realized just how wonderful of a wife I am. We couldn’t be mushy for long because he needed to get his luggage and say goodbye to his team. Besides, we didn’t want to make anyone too uncomfortable.
It was nice knowing that when we arrived home, we would be arriving to an empty house where we could have complete peace and privacy. Danny, Nichole, and the kids left last night with Nichole’s family for a week of vacation. In actuality, they will only be back at our house for about 2 days before they permanently move out and head to seminary in Kentucky. It has been wonderful having all of them at our house, but the privacy and time to adjust before Zoe is born will be good for us.

An Appointment and Update...

The Doctor’s appointment (8-4-05)…
Since David was away in Mexico building a house, I thought that I would ask a friend to go to today’s doctor appointment with me. I asked Jennifer Stanley, a friend from our small group, to go with me to be our “note taker”. She was excited about going to the appointment and ended up being a great recorder and support.
I knew that today’s appointment would be quick, but fortunately Dr. Landwehr performed the ultrasound, which made it not only quick but informative. It was an encouraging appointment. Her heartbeat was 143 bpm and we both thought that her heart actually looked a little better. The chamber that seemed collapsed before (the hypoplastic left) actually seemed more expanded which would tend to indicate that more blood is flowing through it. If this is the case, it is completely an answer to the specific prayers I have been asking for.
Before Martha left on Saturday, she asked if I thought that I would deliver before October 13th. I told her that I just couldn’t answer the question because I had no clue. She has a wedding in Arizona for her best friend from childhood on October 1st and she is trying to determine whether or not it is okay to go. So, at today’s appointment I was trying to get some sort of read from Dr. Landwehr as to whether or not he thought I would deliver early or if he would induce. Dr. Landwehr did not think that I would deliver prematurely because there are no indicators of that. However, he considers anything after 36 weeks to be full-term and would induce labor at 36 or 38 weeks if at that time Zoe is no longer growing. He indicated that if her growth tapers off, it would actually be hazardous to her to keep her inside the womb. Because Zoe’s growth was already starting to level off at the last appointment, I feel fairly confident that I will be induced at the 36 or 38 week mark.
I wish that David could have been at the appointment today, but it was a very encouraging appointment and that made it easier. He called me this morning to tell me that he wished that he was here and that he hoped the appointment went well.

The email (8-4-05)…
Hello Everyone-

Many of you may be aware that David has been out of the country since Sunday morning. For those of you who did not know this...David is in Mexico leading a group of young adults from our church for the purpose of building a home for a family. He will be returning on Saturday. When David left, we did not know how often we would have the opportunity to speak, which made me slightly nervous and a little sad. However, for those of you who prayed about this...thank you! I have actually heard from David everyday. Some days the conversations have been less than a minute and one day, I never actually could hear his voice, but it has been extremely nice to have some amount of connection. David's prayer was that Zoe and I would be doing well physically while he was gone so that he did not have to worry more about this. I have felt great and have avoided being in the heat and Zoe has been more active since David left than ever before. That has served as assurance that she is thriving at least to some extent. (By the way, the trip is going great and they even completed the house a day early!)

I had a brief doctor's appointment today. Dr. Landwehr did the ultrasound and was mainly checking for Zoe's heartrate. It was 143 which is still great. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I thought I felt Zoe kicking me in the ribs. When I asked Dr. Landwehr what position Zoe was in, he said that her head is down now (so she is no longer breech). Because I receive ultrasounds almost every week, I feel that I know where she is typically positioned in my body and I am almost certain that she just changed positions last night.

Dr. Landwehr is definitely more open to performing a C-section if Zoe is in any amount of distress. Before, it felt as if we would have to determine ourselves how much distress was too much distress for her before they would move to a C-section. That felt like too big of a decision and really created a lot of anxiety. Because Zoe seems to be doing so well, Dr. Landwehr feels very comfortable treating my delivery as a "normal delivery" meaning that we will monitor Zoe like they would with any other pregnancy and move to a C-section if she showed distress to the point that they would normally proceed to a C-section. This makes me feel much more comfortable with the birthing process. Dr. Landwehr also now feels that we would be doing a huge disservice to Zoe if we did not try to do everything possible to allow her to be born alive. Before, he just didn't see much of a chance of her surviving so the distress she was in during delivery was not really an issue. Just so you don't have a bad impression of our doctor, this opinion is the shared opinion of the medical profession in relation to Trisomy 13 babies. Dr. Landwehr sees that Zoe seems to be doing so well that he really thinks that she has a good chance of surviving for a while. A while is very vague, but to hear that is so nice compared to what we have heard in the past. Obviously, he can only give his opinion and cannot be certain of the outcome but again it is nice to hear that he thinks she is doing well.

Like I said, the ultrasound was very brief but Dr. Landwehr did take a very quick look at Zoe's heart. I thought that it looked a little different today and he said that he actually thought that it looked a little better and that possibly one of the valves is working better and allowing more blood to enter into the left side (which has been a concern). Please continue to pray for her heart. This does seem to be evidence that something is changing within it.

I feel somewhat confident that Zoe will not be delivered at 40 weeks (the October 13th due date). Dr. Landwehr said that if Zoe's growth levels off, he would likely induce at 36 or 38 weeks (which is still within the "full-term" range). Because Zoe's rate of growth was slowing a bit during our last ultrasound 2 weeks ago, I feel that she will likely end up being delivered at 36 or 38 weeks. To keep her in the womb without her growing could be hazardous to her. We may have a clearer picture of this at our next appointment (August 18) when they do more measurements to determine Zoe's size. They only do this once each month. At that time, I will be 32 weeks along.

So, all in all I felt very good about the appointment. I know that God is sustaining our little girl and I am so grateful for that. She is such a blessing to me. Thank you for caring so much for our family and for supporting us. You all are wonderful.

Much Love,
Christina

Thank You...

Writing Thank You’s (7-31-05)…
I decided that I would tackle some projects while David was gone to help the time pass more quickly. My goal was to write the thank you’s for the baby shower within the first couple of days. I decided to write a group portion of the thank you’s in addition to a personalized note and included a wallet sized group photo taken at the end of the shower. This is what the group portion said…

7-31-05
Hello Everyone-
There are some things that I wanted to say to all of you and instead of writing it over and over, I decided to type a portion of my thank you’s so that I was certain to say these important things to each and every one of you.

The shower was absolutely amazing yesterday. It was so incredibly special to me (and to David) to have so many people there supporting us. We have waited a really long time to have a baby and to have a day celebrating that event meant so much. Above all, to have all of you there in the midst of the uncertainty of Zoe’s development really demonstrated your love for us and the fact that you are praying for and routing for our little girl. That is so meaningful to me and to David and I am indescribably grateful for that support.

This morning before church, I sat down to look through the prayers and messages that you had written to Little Zoe. Wow! Yes, I cried…but they were not tears of sadness, they were tears of gratefulness and awe that our little girl is loved so much and lifted up to the Father by so many people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You each hold a special place in my heart and Zoe will know of your prayers and messages to her. Because it is sometimes difficult to know what to pray for Zoe, I intend to echo your prayers as I pray and as I speak to her. Thank you all for your sincerity, your generosity, and your compassion over our lives.

Forever Grateful,
Christina, David and Zoe

Leaving for Mexico...

Getting David ready for Mexico (7-30-05)…
Everyone left at about 8:00pm and David and I had a lot to do to get the house back in order and get him ready for his mission’s trip to Mexico. (David was leading a group of young adults to Mexico to build a house for a family…he and I did this trip together last summer but after I got pregnant we realized that I would not be going this year.) I took inventory of all of the gifts and started to organize and move them into the nursery while David began to pack for his trip. At about 9:45pm, we headed to Target to purchase an air mattress and then to Walmart to purchase a tool belt for the trip.
David wanted to take something with him as a visual reminder to pray for us daily while he was in Mexico. We agreed that he should take “Zoe Bear” which is the little pink beanie baby that as good friend gave to us after finding out Zoe was sick. David finally finished packing at about 11:30 and we eventually laid down in bed. I asked David if he would read Zoe one of her new books from the shower and he gladly agreed. David read Zoe, “God Gave Us You”. It was such a perfect book for her. It talked about how much we loved her and had longed for her in our lives. It also talked about how every night, we would pray that God would make her strong and healthy. It made me cry because it was so perfect. David held me as we feel asleep that night. He was going to be leaving so early in the morning that I knew I would not be fully alert to converse with him them.

David Leaves for Mexico (7-31-05)…
4:00am came extremely early. David got ready with me barely hearing him. I think that he told me goodbye at about 4:30. I remember grabbing him tightly and not wanting to let go. I said goodbye and that I loved him and was going to miss him. David walked out the door and I was about to spend a week without him. This would be the very first time to be apart this long since we have been married. Two days has been the longest to this point.

Setting up the nursery (7-30-05)…

After returning home from the shower, we brought in the gifts and I showed a lot of them to David, Dad and Eric. Again, David was so happy to see me pampered like this. After seeing the gifts, he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. David took me back to the bedroom and said that he would like for his gift to Zoe to be her crib and he wanted to go buy it right now so that we could start setting up her nursery while everyone was still here. I thought that his gesture was so sweet and knew that he was only thinking of a way for me to feel a little more settled before he left for Mexico tomorrow.

David went to Babies R Us to buy the crib while my parents, Kelsea, Martha, and Tanya went with me to look at the rocker/glider that I picked out earlier this week when my parents offered to purchase one for us.
When we all arrived back home, David, my dad, and Josiah (kind of) quickly put the crib together. It was immediately starting to look like a nursery. The white furniture against the newly painted aqua walls gave the room a pottery barn for kids look. I absolutely loved the transformation the room was taking. My parents had to leave once the crib was put together because they needed to get Kelsea back home to my sister. However, we kept working on the nursery for a while after my parents left. Danny and David moved in the white dresser/changing table and Tanya and David arranged the furniture in the room until I was satisfied. Afterwards, we all sat on the floor attempting to put together the Diaper Genie. It took a while but we eventually succeeded. The room was quickly transitioning into a nursery. I hope Zoe loves her new room.

The Baby Shower (7-30-05)…

So today is the day. For so long I wondered if I would ever be the one to have a baby shower. After trying to get pregnant for so long, I know that I wondered if we would ever have a baby. Throughout the years, I have thrown about a dozen baby showers for friends. Most of them were fun for me to do, however, once David and I began struggling with our own infertility, the joy began to diminish and eventually I had to make the decision to stop throwing the showers. But today’s shower was in honor of me and Zoe. David kept saying how extremely happy he was that it was finally my turn. It meant so much for him to see me happy and being honored in this way.

Martha, Eric, and Tanya stayed at our house last night. I woke up early and T and I took a short walk through the neighborhood. When we got home, Eric and Martha were still asleep, David was out doing a bike/run and T and I decided to start breakfast…chocolate chip and blueberry pancakes (separate, not mixed). We woke Eric and Mart up when we were finished with the cooking and David came in the door as we were serving it up. So, we all sat down and had an enjoyable breakfast together. We finished eating at about 9:30, the kitchen was a mess, and I only had a short time to get ready before my parents arrived at our house. I jumped in the shower and when I got out, I could hear my parents talking to David out in the living room. The girls all finished getting ready and we left for the shower at about 10:30. The boys stayed at the house…David watched Hannah and Josiah until his dad arrived at the house and my dad cleaned the carpet in Zoe’s room.

The shower was absolutely wonderful. There were 28 girls there. Most of them were part of the Living room ministry. Karen (David’s stepmom) and her daughters, my mom and Kelsea, and Martha and Tanya were also there. Everyone was so kind and it felt so supportive to have all of them there. There was a beautiful cake and Nichole had bought an adorable willow tree of a mother holding her little baby. It was called Angel of Embrace. I loved it especially since I collect Willow Trees and this one had significant meaning. Sarah led us through some fun games, one of which is the “guess how big Christina is” game where everyone cuts a piece of yarn equal to my waist measurement. We also played a name that tune game where all of the songs had the word baby in it. Sarah asked if I would hum the songs. Baby Got Back and Ice, Ice, Baby were the most fun to hum.

After the games, I opened up gifts. Everyone was so generous. I was really grateful that I did not get too emotional looking at all of the adorable gifts wondering if Zoe would get to enjoy all of them. I figured this would be my reaction. However, I stayed happy and upbeat throughout the entire unwrapping process. Nonetheless, I did get extremely hot from the amount of focus on me in addition to the surge of pregnancy hormones.

After unwrapping the gifts, Nichole had asked Martha to pray for me and Zoe. Nichole had asked a couple of others but they had all said that they were afraid they would cry too much. Martha was also afraid she would cry but she agreed to pray anyways. Martha prayed in a very slow, deliberate manner to avoid “embarrassing herself”. It was a wonderful, sweet prayer that obviously did make me cry. She prayed for my protection and for Zoe’s healing. Throughout the entire shower, people were asked to sign a journal for Zoe where they could write prayers or thoughts for her. I am so glad that Nichole initiated this. It will always be an invaluable possession and a constant reminder of the love and compassion people have for our little girl.

Finalizing Josiah’s Adoption (7-28-05)…

Earlier last week, Justin and Sandy Ullom asked if David and I would want to join them at Josiah’s adoption finalization in Indianapolis. David and I felt honored to attend the event with them. What an exciting day for their family!

Justin and Sandy picked us up at about 8:30am and we drove to Indy with them. When we arrived at the courthouse, Sandy’s brother, wife and 5 kids were there as well as an old friend from Taylor that David and I actually knew as well. April, Sandy’s sister-in-law, had twin girls about 2 months ago, and seemed to be attuned to what David and I were going through. Ironically, she and her husband were at Dr. Landwehr’s office after I came out from having the amniocentesis. I didn’t talk with them much that day because I wasn’t feeling well after the amnio and was actually about on the verge of tears. April said that she wanted to call me after seeing me that day but she just hadn’t gotten around to it. I imagine her life has been very busy since having the twins.

We spent just a little while talking to the family and then proceeded upstairs with Justin and Sandy to the 17th floor where the courtroom for the adoption hearing was. Justin said that Thursdays are the day for adoptions and the only day of the week that the judges actually look forward to coming to work. We spent just a little time waiting for the hearing to begin. By the time we were ready to start, about twenty of Justin and Sandy’s friends and family were gathered to support them. Joey would have no recollection of this day since he is only 2 months old but I think he will nonetheless understand the importance of the day.

The proceedings were very quick. The process was probably less than 10 minutes from start to finish. It was cute that the judge had Winnie the Pooh things sitting in front of him during the hearing. Basically, the attorney asked Justin about 20 questions at the stand and then Sandy took the stand and said that she would answer the questions the same way that Justin answered them. At the end, Justin and Sandy were officially declared Josiah’s parents and it was announced that his name is officially Josiah Michael Ullom. I wanted to clap in excitement but it didn’t seem like the most appropriate thing to do at that time. After the hearing concluded, we were allowed to take pictures of the judge holding Josiah with Justin and Sandy standing by him.

Justin, Sandy, Jackson, Josiah, David and I went to eat at Basbeaux Pizza to celebrate after we were finished. It is somewhat ironic that Justin, Sandy, David and I ate at that same restaurant almost 3 years ago just after Justin and Sandy had moved back into Muncie from Oklahoma. We barely knew them at that time and now they are some of our best friends. That was before kids, before infertility, and before our current craziness.

Happy anniversary…

7-24-05

Tomorrow, David and I will have been married 7 years. We are both taking tomorrow morning off of work but thought that we would do some of the celebrating this evening. David and I decided to forego small group for the evening and head to Taylor University to Ivanhoe’s where we had our first date almost 11 years ago. Ivanhoe’s was incredibly busy but we didn’t really mind. David did however have the goal of avoiding anyone he knew and though he saw some familiar people, he was successful at avoiding interactions. David ordered a Big Panther burger and a Trojan II milkshake. I ordered a grilled chicken salad and strawberry lemonade for David and me to share. On our first date, David and I shared a strawberry lemonade and so it is sentimental to order one even if it isn’t our favorite. David chuckled when he thought about how cheap he must have seemed on our first date…we went to Ivanhoe’s and shared a strawberry lemonade. It told him that I just thought it was sweet and didn’t think about him being cheap.

David and I sat in the back room of Ivanhoe’s reminiscing about what we first noticed and liked about each other and the good conversation we had. We also spent some time talking about Zoe and the things that we look forward to experiencing with her. We tried to answer the questions assuming that Zoe would be healthy. I said that I look forward to holding Zoe and having her look at me and smile and know that I am her mommy. I look forward to talking with and singing to her and having her fall asleep in my arms as I rock her in her nursery. I also look forward to pushing her in her stroller and taking walks through the neighborhood. David said that he really looks forward to Zoe recognizing that he is daddy and he looks forward to taking her places with him…not in a way that he is showing her off but in a way that she will remember getting to go places with daddy…like the store and out to eat, etc. David also said that he especially looks forward to having her fall asleep on his chest.

After finishing our dinner, David suggested that I get a milkshake so that he could have some of it. So we stood in the long line and ordered a chocolate peanut butter something. It was a PB shake with a crushed Reese’s stick mixed in and a scoop of chocolate ice cream and Spanish peanuts on top. We ate the shake as we drove down to Taylor to continue our date. By the way, the shake was incredible.

Earlier in the day, I had suggested to David that we pray together at the Taylor prayer chapel. Unfortunately, when we got there, we discovered that it was locked. However, we decided to improvise and sat outside the prayer chapel on the bench just outside and prayed together there. We decided to pray for our relationship and for Zoe. I started out praying for our relationship and thanking God for the seven wonderful years he has brought us through. David followed and prayed more for our relationship and then for Zoe. He thanked God for her and prayed that he would heal her completely. I sat beside him and wept. It took a while for me to gain my composure enough to even pray for Zoe, but David and I just sat there patiently until I was able to talk. I pleaded with God that he would heal our little girl whom I have truly developed a relationship with. I begged Him to afford me the luxury to watch her grow and thrive. It was a very special time praying with David. As we walked away from the prayer chapel, we talked about the need to do things like this more often.

David and I completed our date by walking around the Taylor loop, which is just over a mile. We continued to talk and enjoy our time together. It was sweltering hot so we were not able to walk for too long. We left Taylor at about 9pm and headed back home to Muncie.

Anniversary day (7-25-05)…
I awoke earlier than David did…my internal clock does not seem to allow me to sleep in as much as I used to. I decided to make us breakfast in bed…Chocolate Chip pancakes for David and Blueberry pancakes for me. He really appreciated the gesture and always loves anything with chocolate. Later that morning, we exercised on our machines in the basement. It is still too hot to do much outside so it was best to exercise in the comfort of air conditioning. David and I both went into work at about 2pm. I saw 5 clients and then came home. Earlier today, David’s dad called and said that he would treat us to dinner at the restaurant of our choice. We decided to eat at Johnnie Carino’s…a great Italian restaurant in town. David had spicy shrimp and chicken and I had my favorite, chicken piccatta. Overall, David and I had a really enjoyable couple of days celebrating our anniversary. I feel like we are really connecting lately and we both absolutely love any amount of time we are able to spend together.

A day at the lake (7-23-05)…

David and I took a group of 25 young adults from the church to Grandpa Smith’s lake cottage. I have been trying to be more social lately so I had previously determined that I would make the trip even if I didn’t totally feel like it. I think making that decision beforehand made it easier to stick to the decision.

It was so hot all day. I don’t think I ever stopped sweating. It seems that pregnancy has really lowered my heat tolerance especially in my face…with this tremendous heat, I feel so overheated. I sat around most of the day reading, talking with the others, and watching others play volleyball and ski. I would typically be playing volleyball as much as possible but I just didn’t feel like it was a good idea with the heat index being so high. After supper I finally felt it had cooled down just enough to take a walk. Jami, Brittany, and Karen decided to walk with me. We had a nice chat. Karen and Jami are really good about asking questions about Zoe and the pregnancy and though it is difficult for Brittany to ask questions, I know that she is very concerned and interested in my life. I really appreciate when people try and take interest in the difficulties I am currently facing. It makes me feel slightly more normal than I have been feeling lately.

Grandpa Smith was so cute all day. I think that he hugged and kissed me and asked how I was doing 5 or 6 times. It is obvious that he is concerned about me and David and wants to know how we are doing with the difficult pregnancy. Grandpa Smith lost a child a few months after he was born and it is apparent that he has greater understanding than a lot of people even if he doesn’t talk about it much. He just lets it be known through the hugs and kisses he offers. It was very sweet.

Email Update to Friends

Email to friends (7-21-05)…

Hello friends. I hope that you are all doing well and are staying cool in this heat. I am not quite sure if the heat feels exaggerated because I am pregnant or if it is really this hot and humid.

I wanted to drop you all a quick message to let you know that our appointment (which will now be on Thursdays) went much smoother than last week’s saga. By the way, everyone was extremely apologetic for our experience. We were the first appointment of the day so we got in right away and the doctor came in just a short time after the ultrasound was started. Zoe is still doing well as far as we can tell. Her heart rate is 135bpm which is still within the average range. She is measuring about two weeks smaller than her gestational age but this is not a concern at this time. We were able to get some good 4D images from the ultrasound and we are able to tell that she is starting to put on a little bit of baby fat, though she is only weighing in at about 2lb 3 oz. She is still a mover and a shaker which at times makes it difficult to get clear images. But I am not complaining. I absolutely adore it every time I feel her move inside of me. Right now it feels as if she is doing neck rolls and I think I can actually tell that I am feeling her head from the outside of my stomach. She is still breech at this time but the doctor says that she can flip around all the way up to 36 weeks and I am currently just over 28 weeks.

The encouraging statement that sticks with David and I at this time is that Dr. Landwehr told us that he was talking with his colleagues about our situation and that none of them have every seen a baby with Trisomy 13 have a normal developing brain like Zoe seems to have. We praise God for that encouragement. Zoe continues to have some difficulties associated with her heart and we would like to ask that you continue to pray specifically for that.

The doctor does not feel that it is necessary for us to continue to see him every week so we will have an appointment in 2 weeks and then 2 weeks after that. At that time, I will be 32 weeks along and we will continue to see him every two weeks at that point...just like if we were having a normal pregnancy, which is a strange feeling for us.

Obviously, David and I are still worried about what will happen once Zoe is born. There is a lot of anxiety attached to that moment. Please pray for peace for us. You will be glad to know however, that though our lives still feel like a roller coaster at times, I no longer feel that I am riding in a submarine and fortunately we seem to have more better days than horrible days. Thank you again for your prayers now and in the future.

Thanks,
Christina

Flashbacks (7-17-05)…

It is amazing how quickly my thinking can go downhill. We were sitting in our small group discussion this evening and though I wasn’t very talkative, I thought that I was having a decent day. However, I found myself sitting on the couch with our friend Justin sitting across from me in a chair. Justin and Sandy came over to our house the day after we found out about Zoe’s condition and I sat on the couch with David and Justin sat across from us in that same chair. It was just like tonight except David was not sitting beside me and there were other people in the room. I found myself thinking back to the evening when David and I were talking to Justin and Sandy about Zoe. I was in the depths of the depression and hopelessness at that time and I could feel like I was falling back there, if even for a short time. I sat quiet with my hand on my stomach feeling Zoe, comforting her, while everyone else continued to discuss the topic around me. We ended in prayer and I quickly went to our master bath where I couldn’t help but cry. Am I never going to be able to feel Zoe move outside of my body? Will she live or will she die? Does anyone understand what I am feeling and the constant thoughts that go through my mind?
David came into the bathroom just a little while after I had exited the discussion and saw me crying. He hugged me and told me that I should just stay in our room while he says goodbye to everyone as they leave. David and I took a walk after everyone had left so that I could tell him about some of my thoughts. He just listened, which is exactly what I needed at that time.

Email Update to Friends

Hello Friends-

We had an interesting appointment on Wednesday. First of all, Zoe seems to be doing well. Her heart rate remains at around 150bpm which is encouraging. She continues to be in the breech position which means that the movements i feel in my ribs are her hands. She was moving like crazy during the ultrasound. Other than those details, I have little to report about Zoe from the ultrasound unfortunately.

When we arrived at the appointment on Wednesday, our tech asked if it would be okay if they tried out a new machine on us and she informed me that there would be an additional General Electric representative (for the new machine) in the room with us. Our tech told us that the GE person used to be an ultrasound tech as well. I didn't see a problem with it, thinking that maybe we would get to see some clearer images or find out more about Zoe. So, I agreed to the new machine. The other room was filled anyways because they had accidentally double booked. When we started the ultrasound, there were 7 people in the small room, 8 if you count Zoe. Most of them, besides David and I were more concerned about the new machine than they were about us at that time. The GE person was taking over the appointment trying to sell the machine to our tech. David even asked a couple of questions that were totally ignored. Well, it didn't take long until the amount of people, the stress, and lying on my back for so long, began to get to me. I told our tech I was feeling light-headed so she suggested I lay on my side. I laid there for a few minutes while they told us very little about Zoe and I still wasn't feeling much better. They suggested that I turn back on my back and they would raise the head of the bed a little thinking that would help. Shortly after that, I thought I was going to puke and then the room when black. They laid me on my left side, put wash cloths on my neck and head and within a few minutes I was feeling a lot better. My blood pressure was down to 80/40. They stopped the ultrasound and our nurse and another nurse were the only ones with us now. I think it was pretty clear that the situation was not the best for us. I was really disappointed that we didn't find out more about how she was doing. We are rescheduled for next Thursday, and our doctor will definitely be there this time. He had been called away for emergency procedures on Wednesday, so he was never in the room with us. So, it was a slightly dramatic day and one that we hope not to repeat. However, Zoe seems to still be doing well and we are extremely grateful for that.

On another note...we have begun preparing for Zoe to come home from the hospital. I realize that we have no guarantees that she will be able to, but I want to believe that she will. Last week, I scored on a rummage sale with lots of like-new girl clothes and over the last couple of days, I began painting the nursery.

Thank you again for your prayers and for spending the time reading these updates and investing in our lives and the life of Zoe. Though she is incredibly precious to us, we sense that she is also precious to you and we are extremely grateful for that.

Thank you again,
Christina

The Fourth of July (7-4-05)…

David and I got up early intending to drive to Ohio to meet up with my family for the Van Wert July 4th Parade. We decided to forego the parade and just catch up with them for the cookout at noon and the rest of the daily festivities. Before we left, I rode my bicycle while David ran four miles. I really enjoy being with him on his runs and he appreciates the company and encouragement I provide. However, I am not sure how much longer I will feel comfortable on a bike. But for now, it is just slightly uncomfortable.
David and I quickly got ready after his run and took off for Ohio. My parents and the rest of my extended family were having a cookout at Uncle Kerry and Aunt Liz’s house. I think that they are always glad to have David and I show up at the family gatherings since it is usually questionable with our schedules and the distance we have to drive.
We had a nice time with our family. After lunch, we played a big game of whiffle ball. Practically everyone played except for grandpa. It seemed that everyone was trying to be protective of me since I am the “pregnant one”. I had Kelsea run for me once I got onto base. David says that I was the best hitter on our team. I am not sure that is totally true but I must admit that I did pretty well for a 31 year old, 6 months pregnant woman.
After hanging out at Liz and Kerry’s house for most of the day, David and I went to my parents’ house. Everyone else was planning to meet there at around 9:30pm to watch the fireworks from the front of mom and dad’s house. It was fun watching the fireworks, especially when it seems that it had been so long since David and I had seen a real show. Zoe was moving around a lot during the display. Maybe she was reacting to the noise…I am not quite sure. I put mom’s hand on my stomach thinking that she would be able to feel her move but it didn’t quite work. David, however, was able to feel some really strong kicks, which he thought was very cool.
It was a little more comfortable being around my family this time. A couple of people even engaged in conversations about my pregnancy, asking questions and showing concern. My parents told me that Aunt Liz had been asking about things that she could do to help out which made me feel like she really cared and made it easier to talk to her about things.

Registering for the Baby Shower (7-3-05)…

Since asking Nichole to put on the baby shower before Zoe’s birth, I knew that I would need to register as soon as possible. Though I knew that it was not his favorite thing, David said that he would go with me to Target to register. I was very grateful for his company. David and I spent about 2 hours in Target and I feel that I accomplished a good portion of the task. It was a lot easier to do knowing that Zoe seems to be doing fairly well at the time. I don’t think I would have been able to emotionally handle it if she currently seemed to be going downhill. I actually was able to feel comfortable registering for items like onesies and videos that she wouldn’t be using until she is over 6 months old. I went through the bottle section and felt absolutely clueless. I know that I need to register for bottles and for breastfeeding supplies but I have absolutely no idea of what I need. I think that I will ask if someone can go back with me later this week to make sure I am doing all of this right.

Beside David’s side (7-3-05)…

Earlier this week, David spoke with the Church staff and asked if he could have the next month off from being up on the platform during Sunday services. His request was accepted with no resistance. So today, David and I were able to go to church together and he sat with me the entire service. It was so nice to have him by my side the entire time. It felt very safe with him. I believe that he was looking forward to being with me during service as much as I was looking forward to being with him. He commented afterwards about how nice it was to be together. David felt so freed up during service and felt that he was actually able to worship for the first time in a long time.

Email to friends (7-1-05)…

As always, David and I are grateful for your continued prayers, encouraging emails, and concern. We love you all very much and appreciate your involvement in our lives.

Our appointment went well this week. Zoe continues to be a trooper. Her heart rate was 150bpm. One of the main objectives for this ultrasound was to get measurements to see how well she is growing. Children with Trisomy 13 are usually very small. Zoe is measuring within a couple of weeks of her true gestational age and she is in the 47th percentile which is right at average. She is actually a whopping 1lb 11oz right now. An interesting measurement that was taken was the length of her foot and the length of her femur bone. For children with chromosomal abnormalities, generally their foot is stubby and the goal is that the two measurements would be close to the same. Zoe's foot and femur were the exact same.

Her brain continues to look good from what we can tell. She has all of the correct parts in the correct position. Often Trisomy 13 babies have abnormalities down the center of the brain/head/face. From what we can tell, Zoe is developing well. Her brain looks good. Her head seems to be the correct size and shape and her face appears normal. The doctor seems encouraged by what he sees as well.

We continue to thank God for the encouragement we receive. We are thankful for little Zoe and what God is doing in her. It is complicated to know how encouraged and hopeful we can be from what we are seeing but we are trying to accept the blessings we see as real blessings. We will have another appointment in 2 Wednesdays because our doctor is out of the office next Wednesday.

We are also grateful that last night we had private birthing classes. The nurses were so kind as to set them up for us so that we would not be with a group of individuals dealing with an entirely different kind of pregnancy. She was also able to talk to us about complications, what to expect in the best scenario and the worst scenario. I believe that it helped David and I both feel more prepared.

Thank you again for everything.

Christina

Birthing Classes (6-30-05)…

About a month ago, I asked our nurse if it might be possible for David and I to have private birthing classes. I am still pregnant and going to deliver Zoe at some point and am actually quite nervous about the process. Our situation only heightens my nerves regarding the experience. David and I want to go through birthing classes but we felt that it would be easier to do them by ourselves instead of being in a class full of people who are excited about the perfectly healthy babies they are expecting. Fortunately, our nurse contacted someone who had previously led the classes and she was more than willing to do private classes for David and me. Dana Crosby was the nurse’s name. She told us that she was honored to be asked by Karen (our nurse) and was glad that she could help us out in this way. We were so thankful for her willingness.

We spent about 3 ½ hours with Dana and were able to cover most things that are covered in 4 weeks with most couples. Dana spent most of the time talking about the stages of labor, breathing, pushing, epidurals, and recovery. Besides flinching a couple of times during the birthing video, I actually held my emotions in pretty well…at least until she talked about the services they provide with families who have a baby that dies. Dana explained that they take lots of pictures, take hand and foot prints, and basically have a mini calling hour for the family in the delivery room. Though I know it is a possibility, I just can’t bare the thought of losing my little girl so shortly after bringing her into this world. We have been through so much already. God, please spare us from this additional devastation.

Dana was so kind to us. She is currently a labor and delivery nurse and seems very compassionate. She is one of the nurses that work with families who lose their babies. She offered us info that could be given to family members regarding what to do when a loved one's baby dies. I declined the material and decided that we would just get it if the need arose. I really just want to take it one step at a time right now. I want to focus on the fighter that Zoe is and the progress she is making. I really didn’t want to have the pamphlets about what to do if she dies lying around.

We hugged Dana and sincerely thanked her as we left. It was so wonderful for her to spend the entire evening with us. David and I talked about doing something nice for her in return…probably a gift certificate or something. David commented on our way out about how it kind of felt surreal. “I feel like we are leaving knowing things that we didn’t know when we went into the hospital.” I think he feels more prepared. I know that I certainly do. It is nice to feel like we are one step closer and like there is one less thing to worry about.

Our standing appointment (6-29-05)…

David and I arrived right on time and Dr. Landwehr was there doing some paperwork. Again, it was really nice to know that we would not have to wait long before beginning the ultrasound. We went right into the ultrasound room and Becky immediately started trying to find Zoe’s heartbeat. There it was…still strong…150bpm. She was not moving a lot during the initial part of the ultrasound but really woke up later on and even Becky could feel her moving through the ultrasound wand that she had on my stomach.

One of the main objectives for the day was to take measurements of Zoe to see if she is growing well. Becky took measurements of Zoe’s head, femur and feet. Zoe is in the 47th percentile with her weight/size which is estimated at 1 lb 11 oz. When measuring Zoe’s femur and foot, Becky said that on chromosomal abnormal babies, the foot is usually much smaller than the femur but that they are supposed to be the same. Zoe’s foot and femur were exactly the same length. Becky always feels that Zoe’s features do not match up to her diagnosis.
Becky again tried to find Zoe’s right hand to see if we could still detect 6 fingers. Zoe keeps hiding that hand. This time she had the hand in view but her fingers were clinched in a fist and we just couldn’t get a finger count. It kind of makes me wonder if God is doing something with her hand and He isn’t ready for us to see it yet. Becky also began to look at Zoe’s brain. When she was taking measurements of her brain, Becky was pointing out water that she still detected. I became very confused but tried not to worry about it. David didn’t seem concerned. Dr. Landwehr came in a little later and we asked him to also look at Zoe’s brain. He told Becky that she was not measuring water but that she was measuring brain mantel. It was almost like they began arguing because she felt that he had told her one thing another time. I didn’t really care to hear them argue, I just wanted to know if Zoe’s brain looked good or not. Dr. Landwehr said that she does not have water on her brain but he has no guarantees about the quality of the brain mantel. That was fine…I just wanted to see that it still looked good at this time and it did. Becky left the room and Dr. Landwehr continued to ultrasound Zoe’s head. I asked if he could also look at her nose while he was at it. I explained that at one time we had been told that Zoe does not have a nasal bone and I wanted to know what he thought. For some reason, I had never really believed that she actually didn’t have her nasal bone. Dr. Landwehr looked and pointed out Zoe’s nasal bone and stated that she would not have a distinct nose if there was no nasal bone. Zoe’s nose looks good.

Again, we left feeling good about the appointment. Our little girl is really hanging in there. She physically looks well and her brain still seems to be looking great. We did not spend much time looking at the heart so we are not sure if there are any changes there. Nonetheless, we are grateful for the growth and progress little Zoe is making. David asked if I would pray as we pulled away from the hospital and headed to Taco Bell for lunch. I prayed and thanked God for the good news we continued to receive on Zoe. I asked that He not allow me to get my hopes up if there are only to be dashed later on. I want to believe that God is doing miraculous things in Zoe and I want to be confident in that. David and I talked and determined that we just need to be happy with what we are finding out at this time. Thank you Jesus for our little girl and what you are doing in her!

The Living Room (6-28-05)…

Jeff and Sarah showed up at the Living Room tonight. They were supposed to be playing at a show but at the last minute were able to join us. It was great to see them and I was able to express to Sarah how nice it was for her to offer to help with the shower. I know that Sarah is holding out hope that God will heal Zoe and that she will be okay.

I sat with Jeff and Sarah during the service which made me feel a little more comfortable. After the service, I thought that I would try and leave right away because I had some things to get done at home. However, when I was getting ready to leave, a couple of girls came up and told me that they think about me all the time and pray for us. They had never said anything to this point and I was beginning to feel more and more strange around them, wondering if they even cared. Since they opened the door, I decided to tell them about new things we had found out about Zoe and asked that they pray for her heart. As I was talking, two other girls stepped closer and listened in on the conversation. I know that it was uncomfortable to finally say something, but it really felt nice to know that they have been thinking about us. I left the Living Room feeling pretty decent.

A really nice gesture (6-28-05)…

For some reason, last night was emotional and I woke up feeling slightly vulnerable this morning. I knew that today was going to be a fairly busy day so I needed to get into work a little early. I arrived at the Trustee’s office at about 8:45. When I opened the door to my office, there was a big basket of gifts sitting on my desk. The office had put together a care package for David and I just to let us know that we are special and that they are thinking of us. I looked around and there was another large gift bag and a beautiful rose bush …all for David and I. I started to cry when I saw everything because it meant so much. This was the same office were most didn’t even know why I had been gone for a week when David’s mom died and now they are doing something so special like this. I wanted to tell everyone thanks but decided to send out an email because I thought I might be too emotional.

I only opened a couple of gifts when I initially saw the packages. I thought that it might be nice to open them sporadically throughout the next several days. I opened up two gift certificates…one for $50 to Here We Grow Again and one for $30 to Chili’s for David. How incredibly generous and thoughtful! I called David right away to tell him what the office had done. I felt really special and cared for. It also meant a lot to David that they had put so much effort into making me feel important.

They wanted to Shower ME!

Sarah offers to help (6-27-05)…
Nichole told me that Sarah McLaughlin called her today asking about a shower for me. Sarah said that she wanted to throw a shower before finding out about the Trisomy 13 and that her desire has not changed. It was ironic that I had just told Nichole what I was wanting and then Sarah called. It felt really nice to know that Sarah was still thinking in this direction. The shower has been set for July 31. Since I haven’t been thinking about a shower over the past 5 weeks, I need to get in gear now and register. (Within just a few days, Nichole, Sarah, Karen and Jennifer were all helping with the shower.)

An emotional church service (6-26-05)…

Today at church, we celebrated baptism. I sat with Al and Karen because David was going to be occupied during much of the service and would not be able to sit with me. In fact, David was performing the baptisms. Though I wished that David could be sitting with me, I did fine through the initial worship time and the sermon which was on the significance of baptism. However, we then progressed to the four baptisms. The second person to be baptized was a little girl who was about 6 years old, Kaylyn Jones. It struck me so hard as I watched David interact with Kaylyn, ask her if she has accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and emerge her into the pool of water. I have ALWAYS thought that David would be an amazing father to a daughter and when I see him interact with little girls that thought is just confirmed even more. My mind soon started drifting to Zoe and wondering how it is going to end. Will David ever have the opportunity to baptize his own daughter? Will she be in a wheel chair and what would that look like for him to hold her and lower her into the water. As I imagined the scenarios and the possibility that none of them may occur because she may die so early in life, I could not hold back my emotions. The tears were streaming down my face for the remainder of the service…I could not hold back even a bit.

After the service came to a close, I began looking for David and hoped that he was moving my direction. It seemed that there were a lot of people around me to hug me today and I just told them that I was having an emotional morning. Al asked what he could do for me and I just told him that it was hard seeing David baptize Kaylyn wondering if he would even have a chance to do that with Zoe. He just hugged me for a while. I didn’t know that Karen had went to David to tell him that he might want to check on me. Soon, David came and pulled my hand from his dad and took me to a private area where he just hugged me and let me cry. I told him that it was really difficult to watch him baptize Kaylyn and how I hoped he would have the opportunity some day to baptize our Zoe. He said, “wouldn’t that be great!”