I could hardly sleep. Even though I didn’t even get back to my room until about 1:00 am, by 4:00am I just couldn’t stay in my room any longer. Again, I walked down to the NICU in tears. When I entered the nursery, the nurses said that they were about to call me. They told me that Zoe’s stats were getting worse and they thought she might be going soon. Zoe was shaking a bit and her eyes were closed. They told me that they had given her some Tylenol just in case she was hurting. I asked the nurse to call down to the room to get David. David had just awakened because he too felt there was something happening. He joined me in the NICU within just a few minutes.
After David and I realized what was happening, David stepped outside of the NICU to call our family so that they could come to the hospital just to be there even though we wanted to be alone with Zoe. When David came back in, the nurses pulled two comfortable chairs near Zoe’s bed and closed the curtains around us for privacy. They placed Zoe in my arms and we all decided that it was time to remove the ventilator. So at 5:27am, the ventilator came out. Zoe’s face was so precious. Her lips were so sweet and without the ventilator I just kept kissing them and kissing them. David held me as I held Zoe. I remember telling her that she didn’t need to be scared and that Jesus would take care of her. I kept telling her how precious she is and how much I love her. Zoe’s breaths were shallow and every few seconds, she would pucker her lips as the air would escape. After several minutes, the nurses led us down to our hospital room so that David and I could be alone with Zoe. It was wonderful walking with her in my arms for the first time….no tubes…just my baby girl.David and I continued to hold Zoe and talk to her in our hospital room. She breathed on her own for almost 45 minutes, but at 6:11am, Zoe took her final breath and she died peacefully in my arms. Dr. Donna came into our room and cried with us as she examined Zoe to confirm that she was no longer breathing.
The staff gave us permission to have as much time as we wanted with Zoe before they took her from us. David and I weren’t sure what to do at that time but we knew we weren’t ready to leave her. David went to our family who was two rooms down in an empty hospital room that the nurses offered to them and shared with them that Zoe had passed. He offered for them to see Zoe one last time but they decided that it would be best for us to have the final moments without them.
David came back into the room while I was still holding Zoe. I decided that I would change her diaper, put on lotion, brush her hair, and put clothes on her. Since she couldn’t wear clothes in the NICU, this was the first time I had seen her dressed. Zoe was floating in her gown and I realized again just how tiny she was. David wanted to hold Zoe and wanted to see what it would feel like to have her fall asleep on his chest. He said that it felt so good to hold her like that.
When David and I had spent our time with Zoe, we let the nurses know that they could come and get Zoe. Seeing her be taken away in her bassinette was incredibly difficult for both me and David. We could hardly bare that this is the last time we would see her. David fell to his knees and just put his hands in his head while he cried. Up to that point, David had refrained from showing much emotion. He had primarily attempted to be my support and comfort me as best he could.
Once Zoe was gone, I knew that I wanted out of the hospital as soon as possible. We spent a few minutes with our family in the other room while they hugged us and cried with us and then most of them left while Danny and Martha stayed to help us load up our belongings. I waited patiently for the nurse to discharge us but inside I just needed out of there. Once discharged, a nurse came to the room to wheel me out to the pick-up area where Danny would be waiting for us in the van. Being wheeled out of the hospital without my Zoe was possibly the hardest moment. I felt so empty and so alone. I came into the hospital with her and left without her. That is not the way it is intended to be but this was my reality. I could not hold back my tears and I am afraid that many patients could hear me as I was wheeled down the mother and baby unit. It just hurt so much.
I recall Danny picking us up outside the hospital and I recall that it was actually a warm beautiful day. I know that we were home by 10am and I recall sitting on Zoe’s nursery floor weeping for her. I was exhausted and I know that David eventually helped me to my bed and insisted I get some rest. I slept for several hours.
At some point, we had decided that our small group could come over for dinner that night. They had been praying through every moment of the entire journey and they had not been allowed to be with us through the last few days since David and I were only letting family be there. They wanted to see us and wanted to just offer their support. I remember that I walked downstairs after almost everyone had arrived and I felt very awkward. No one knew what to say…how could they have. Eventually, some people began to ask questions and they wanted to see pictures of Zoe. It was nice to talk about my little girl.
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