The Shelf...

A week and a half ago, my parents brought the boys a tent that they had found at a rummage sale. The tent has been set up in our living room since that day and finally today, the tent came down. I just finished putting the folded up tent on the top shelf in the boys' closet right next to the bag of pink items that belonged to Zoe...her beautiful blanket (knitted by my Aunt Penny) and Zoe Bunny (a big soft bunny that I used to hold and rock when I was pregnant with Zoe and after she died when my arms would be aching to hold her).

Sometimes I feel as if my emotions are neatly put away on the shelf...not in a "stuff your emotions" sort of way but in a way that I can access them when I choose to and then put them back on the shelf until the next time I want to get them down again. Especially today I have felt as if my emotions have been more like the tent in the middle of the living room...unable to avoid...exposed. I have been more emotional, thinking about Zoe, seeing the miracle of my two little boys, talking to them about their sister, seeing a little girl in a wheelchair at last nights football game. The emotions have been unavoidable, kind of like the tent. And so these days are the days when it doesn't feel I have as much control over when the emotions come off the shelf and get placed back again...the emotions just are. Tomorrow, we will remember Zoe together as a family and many friends will remember her and us as well. I am grateful for every thought and prayer that comes our way. Earlier today when talking to my friend Jennifer in one of those moments when the tears were just there, she said "instead of trying to tell you it is going to be okay, i guess the best i can do is let you know that as your friend, I am suffering with you."

Zoe would have been 5 tomorrow.