5 Years ago today, I said goodbye to my sweet Zoe Dawn. The emotions of the week have been quite intense at times. I am grateful that today, oddly enough, I feel a significant amount of calmness. It could be contributed to the prayers of others, to the walk I had by myself early this morning, or to the flood of emotions I had on Monday...Zoe's Birthday. Maybe I am slightly depleted at this point. For some reason, this year has been harder for me. Turning 5 seems like it it a significant milestone. Neither of my younger boys have turned 5 so I haven't experienced the milestone with them but we have several friends with children who are 5 and even two friends whose children turned 5 within days of Zoe's (5th) Birthday. I sometimes wonder what life would be like with a 5 year old running around. I wonder if she would be teasing Jonah like Jonah teases Judah. David however believes that if we had an "oldest daughter", she would likely be very nurturing and would probably mother the boys. Jonah would probably get annoyed by it and Judah would probably get beaten up a little less by his big brother. Who knows? And truth is, I will never know yet I sometimes do like to imagine. Today, I miss Zoe. I miss her today like I do everyday. Monday...I missed her BADLY. I could sit at her grave and talk out loud to her but it didn't quite touch it. Crying helped and I am thankful for the tears that came Monday afternoon when my friend, Jami, allowed me some time away from the boys. It felt better. My sister-in-law, Sarah, wrote to me that "I know it hurts to remember, but I also know that it would hurt worse not to". I told her that I liked her words and that they were quotable...I have quoted her twice since then. I kind of think that is what was happening to me recently...I was hurting because of not remembering. Blame it on my avoidance, blame it on a busy life with two young boys, blame it on an intense workload. Whatever it is, I am thankful for the time to sit and reflect and remember my beautiful daughter Zoe. I love her like crazy.
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