Tainted Happiness...for myself and others

Seeing Danny and Nichole again (6-6-05)…
Danny, Nichole, Josiah and Hannah arrived home from visiting Nichole’s family late Monday night. The kids had fallen asleep in the car so Danny and Nichole took them straight to bed when they got here. David and I were sitting in the family room watching the Pistons and the Heat NBA western finals and Danny and Nichole came back out to join us. They asked us a few questions about our vacation but I don’t think that David and I were very talkative.
Nichole started whispering something to Danny and I instinctively thought I knew what they were talking about. Shortly after, Danny announced that Nichole is late on her period and that they thought she is pregnant. Nichole said that she is going to take a pregnancy test in a few days but that she was sure she was pregnant. I remember saying, “I wondered if you were going to say that” but I didn’t react much more. David genuinely said that he was really happy for them. Nichole said that she didn’t expect much from us and that she probably wouldn’t talk about a lot of the details unless we asked. I remember sitting there thinking, “Here we go again. I don’t know how to react to people’s good news about pregnancy. Why when I thought that I could start being genuinely happy for others do I have to be back at the place where I don’t know how to respond again. Why does others’ happiness have to make me think about my own sadness?”
I cried myself to sleep again. I hate that my happiness has to be tainted with this unbelievable pain. It feels selfish but I also know that my feeling of this not being fair is real. David prayed for me and hugged me while I attempted to fall asleep.