Father’s Day (6-19-05)…

David woke up with a pit in his stomach this morning. He really didn’t want to fulfill his responsibilities at church today, especially the ones that included being in front of people. When he was done, David asked if he did a good job faking it and said that it was really exhausting for him. David did not sing much during service. He said that even though he knows that all of the words are true, he just wasn’t feeling them today. In the middle of the sermon he asked if he could ask me a really intense possibly inappropriate question. David asked if Zoe died in the next couple of months and I gave birth to her, would it be okay for us to still hold her. I told him, “Of course”. I have thought about the same thing. I know that even if she is dead when I deliver her, I will want to hold her and take pictures of her and just look at her.

Church was actually not too bad for me today. Part of that could be because I zoned out during some of the service. I saw three women whom I had not seen since receiving the news on Zoe. They all asked if they could give me a hug. I actually did okay until the last one when I started tearing up. The lady said that if there was anything she could do she would and that she just felt so helpless, knowing that all she could do was pray. I told her that praying was the best thing for us right now.

David and I left church as soon as possible in order to meet my parents at our house for lunch. David and I had decided to make salmon on the grill for the Father’s day meal. It was nice having my parents here. We talked just a little about Zoe. Mom wondered why we were having ultrasounds every week and if that seemed to make things harder for me. I have mixed feelings about it. I know that the ultrasounds were offered to us on a weekly basis for our peace of mind so that we could see Zoe and see how she is doing on a regular basis. There is also this feeling that each time we have the ultrasounds, we find out what else is wrong with her and many times that ends up feelings defeating and depressing. On the other hand, it is good to see Zoe and to connect with her in that way. I just don’t know what is best. David is sure that if things are going downhill for Zoe, that I will be able to sense it because he believes that I am perceptive in that way. I, however, think that sometimes I can convince myself that things are just getting worse and I think of scenarios worse than reality.

My parents left early in the afternoon because they needed to get back to Ohio to eat pizza with my mom’s dad and her siblings for Father’s day. David left for a couple of hours to take a Father’s Day walk with his brother and dad. I took a nap until David returned. David and I had decided after my bad day yesterday that we would skip small group tonight and just have an evening alone. I think that this was a good idea and allowed David and I to just relax and breathe before the work week.

I am sure that my horribly emotional day yesterday had an effect on David’s emotional state for today. He admitted that he did affect him a little but that he doesn’t want me to hide what I am going through. David did bring up (for more than the first time) that he felt it might be a good idea for me to “talk to someone”. Ironically, even though I am a counselor, I usually get defensive when he brings this up. This time I didn’t. Seeing as how our situation is not a common one for a person to go through, I know that it could be beneficial to talk with a counselor. I told him that I did have a slight fear that whoever I go to may say, “I have no idea what to tell you”, but nonetheless I am open to the idea. David suggested that I go to a therapist that he went to see in Fort Wayne about 2 years ago. I told him that I would think about it and asked him to check on possible insurance coverage. David said that even if we didn’t have coverage, he would find a way to foot the bill. We chuckled since we have always shared money and basically what he was trying to say was that he just felt that having someone to talk to was important enough not to be concerned about the cost.