Back to the Living Room

The Living Room (6-7-05)…
Tonight was the first time I have been back to the Living Room since receiving the news about Zoe. I have been anxious about being around people and anxious to face the possibility of feeling uncomfortable around others and having others feel uncomfortable around me as well.
I arrived about 15 minutes early by myself. When I walked through the doors, two couples were talking to each other and just sort of smiled at me as I entered. I was kind of glad that they were occupied so that I could avoid real interaction with them. I quickly found something to do to keep busy in order to avoid standing there feeling awkward. I arranged candles around the room to create a worshipful environment for the service that was about to start. While working on the candles, Karen Daugherty approached me to see how my week had been so far. She has been very kind throughout the process and it felt alright talking with her for a few moments. I told her that my first day back to work was better than I had expected and that today seemed to be more emotional for some reason. I am not sure if I will be able to predict what days will produce what emotions.
The service started at about 7:30. Instead of the normal night of about 20 minutes of worship, a sermon by David, and a couple of closing songs, we were going to be participating in a type of worship service called “Ministry to Jesus”. Ministry to Jesus is all about worshipping Jesus in whatever way you desire. There were areas set up around the room to read, pray, draw, or work with clay. Music was playing and everyone was free to worship God as they chose. I chose to stay in my seat the entire night and attempt to pray and read the Bible. I started out by telling God that I just needed to feel Him and that I wanted to connect to Him. I cried while I feebly attempted to communicate with Him. Last week when I was asking David about books of the Bible that might be good for me to read right now, I remember that he suggested Thessalonians for some reason. So, I started in Thessalonians. The only verse that stood out to me talked about not allowing the ‘Spirit’s fire’ to die. It went on to say, “hold on to what is good”. I thought of Zoe and the fact that she is indeed a good thing in my life. As physically “messed up” as she is, her soul and her spirit are perfect. She is beautiful and spotless. I am grateful for her and cherish her. I told David that as difficult as it is right now, I am glad that it is Zoe living inside of me. I don’t know how to explain it but I am glad that she is the one that I am having the opportunity to bond with. I love her so much.
After the service had ended, I continued to sit in my chair just kind of waiting for people to clear out around me. David approached me and said that he would like to show me what he had been working on whenever I was ready. He took my hand and led me over to a table where he had been working with clay. David had spent his time reading Genesis 1 and he “created” the world with clay just as God had created it. He enjoyed telling me about making the stars and spreading them out on the table by tossing them in their appropriate spot. David said that he realized that God must have had so much fun creating the world. David then said that as he was staring at the creation, God told him to “mess up” the moon. He didn’t really know what this meant but he decided to pick up the moon and smash it. David then felt like God was telling him to restore the moon to its original form, so he did. David said that this was symbolizing the destruction of sin and how sin “messes up” what God created as perfect. He said that the moon is like Zoe and whether it is now or in eternity, God is restoring her and making her perfect. David handed me a piece of construction paper which he had written on with a marker.
This is what David wrote:
“I am sharing in the sufferings of Christ. My heart is broken for my daughter in the same way that God’s heart is broken over the toxic affects of sin in the world. The world is not as He created it. It is corrupt, polluted, distorted and He longs to create it, and us, and Zoe, anew for eternity. Oh, the pleasure He will have. I want to share in that joy. He is grieved daily. He is overjoyed with His children daily. But oh how he longs to gather His children into his arms for eternity.”
I resonated with what David had been saying. I told him that although God is the ultimate creator of Zoe, David and I are her earthly creators. As her creators, we desire for her to be perfect and it hurts us to know that she is not in the form that we desire for her to be. This is just as it hurt God to see his creation in turmoil. Therefore we are grieving the turmoil of our daughter just as God grieves the turmoil of this world and we are sharing in His suffering. This thought did not necessarily bring me immediate comfort yet it did remind me that God understands the pain that we are experiencing as we hurt for our daughter.