Happy 4th Birthday Jonah!

Happy Birthday to my beautiful FOUR year old Jonah! Jonah is absolutely one the THE loves of my life. He is sensitive, caring, spunky, a jokester, a lover of music (especially drumming), concerned for others, and a true joy. This weekend we had a blast celebrating our little boy. The day started with Jonah's favorite breakfast (banana chocolate chip pancakes) and the day ended with a quick trip to Chuck E. Cheese to play some games (a promise we had made to Jonah months ago). But the "meat" of the day occurred when we took Jonah and some of his buddies bowling at the lanes near our house. Six 4 year olds + bowling+ 4 year old energy= an entertaining and tiring day. I love watching Jonah interact with his friends. His has such a sweet spirit and it truly may be proud when I would see him with his friends after they would throw the bowling ball. He would stand beside them with his arm around them, encouraging them on how well they had just bowled. What a great kid!

After bowling, the kids walked to our home (just around the corner) to enjoy ice cream and Jonah's Star Wars themed cake. Again, I loved watching him play with his friends. It is so amazing that one day your children can barely express anything in words and then you blink only to realize that they are capable of having full conversations with other tiny humans.

Besides getting the final piece of his drum set (a floor tom drum), Jonah was probably most excited about finally getting to sleep in the top of his bunk bed for the first time. Since getting the bed from David's dad last Christmas, Jonah had been told that he would get to sleep in the top bunk as soon as he turned 4. He did great! And of course, wouldn't you know that as soon as the bottom bunk opened up, Judah would be requesting his new bed. He did great as well! So now, not only do we have 1 big boy, but we have 2 big boys. Two incredible big boys! I am truly blessed.

Preschool

Have I mentioned that Jonah is not a preschooler? He even gets to attend with his two buddies, Justus and Jerimiah (a.k.a. the twins). Since beginning preschool on September 2nd, I have noticed that he is truly developing into a little boy. Besides the fits that he still throws on occasion, he is far from babyish. Each time I see him, I feel like his is getting taller, his feet are growing, and his face is thinning out. On top of that, he is learning and demonstrating new skills on an almost daily basis. I felt that he was going to REALLY start growing up once he started preschool and now I am even more and more convinced of that.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to work part-time and have the gift of spending so much time with my boys. On Thursday, I accompanied Jonah and his classmates (along with many other teachers) to a nearby pumpkin patch. It was a joy to watch he and his friends bowl with pumpkins, take a hayride and feed the farm animals.

5 Years...

5 Years ago today, I said goodbye to my sweet Zoe Dawn. The emotions of the week have been quite intense at times. I am grateful that today, oddly enough, I feel a significant amount of calmness. It could be contributed to the prayers of others, to the walk I had by myself early this morning, or to the flood of emotions I had on Monday...Zoe's Birthday. Maybe I am slightly depleted at this point. For some reason, this year has been harder for me. Turning 5 seems like it it a significant milestone. Neither of my younger boys have turned 5 so I haven't experienced the milestone with them but we have several friends with children who are 5 and even two friends whose children turned 5 within days of Zoe's (5th) Birthday. I sometimes wonder what life would be like with a 5 year old running around. I wonder if she would be teasing Jonah like Jonah teases Judah. David however believes that if we had an "oldest daughter", she would likely be very nurturing and would probably mother the boys. Jonah would probably get annoyed by it and Judah would probably get beaten up a little less by his big brother. Who knows? And truth is, I will never know yet I sometimes do like to imagine. Today, I miss Zoe. I miss her today like I do everyday. Monday...I missed her BADLY. I could sit at her grave and talk out loud to her but it didn't quite touch it. Crying helped and I am thankful for the tears that came Monday afternoon when my friend, Jami, allowed me some time away from the boys. It felt better. My sister-in-law, Sarah, wrote to me that "I know it hurts to remember, but I also know that it would hurt worse not to". I told her that I liked her words and that they were quotable...I have quoted her twice since then. I kind of think that is what was happening to me recently...I was hurting because of not remembering. Blame it on my avoidance, blame it on a busy life with two young boys, blame it on an intense workload. Whatever it is, I am thankful for the time to sit and reflect and remember my beautiful daughter Zoe. I love her like crazy.

The Shelf...

A week and a half ago, my parents brought the boys a tent that they had found at a rummage sale. The tent has been set up in our living room since that day and finally today, the tent came down. I just finished putting the folded up tent on the top shelf in the boys' closet right next to the bag of pink items that belonged to Zoe...her beautiful blanket (knitted by my Aunt Penny) and Zoe Bunny (a big soft bunny that I used to hold and rock when I was pregnant with Zoe and after she died when my arms would be aching to hold her).

Sometimes I feel as if my emotions are neatly put away on the shelf...not in a "stuff your emotions" sort of way but in a way that I can access them when I choose to and then put them back on the shelf until the next time I want to get them down again. Especially today I have felt as if my emotions have been more like the tent in the middle of the living room...unable to avoid...exposed. I have been more emotional, thinking about Zoe, seeing the miracle of my two little boys, talking to them about their sister, seeing a little girl in a wheelchair at last nights football game. The emotions have been unavoidable, kind of like the tent. And so these days are the days when it doesn't feel I have as much control over when the emotions come off the shelf and get placed back again...the emotions just are. Tomorrow, we will remember Zoe together as a family and many friends will remember her and us as well. I am grateful for every thought and prayer that comes our way. Earlier today when talking to my friend Jennifer in one of those moments when the tears were just there, she said "instead of trying to tell you it is going to be okay, i guess the best i can do is let you know that as your friend, I am suffering with you."

Zoe would have been 5 tomorrow.

My Boys...

These are my boys, loves of my life. They have been keeping me quite busy lately and quite entertained. They chase and wrestle one another and hug and cuddle. Judah thinks he is older than he is and therefore is constantly pushing the limits of his safety. Just this week he learned to "fall" in and out of his crib. Fortunately, he has yet to do it in the middle of the night. Jonah is literally growing up before my eyes. In less than a week, he actually begins preschool. He is completely potty-trained, drinks from big boy cups, wants to help make meals, has adult conversations, and now he is starting school. Boy, sometimes I desire for time to slow down and at other times, I am quite content with the new stages we are entering. I have recently comes to terms with the thought that our family is growing up and I kind of like it. It is nice to not have to plan as much around nap times and to know that I will not have to carry my kids as while if we go on an outing. Love today and Live today. I have always known that and I think I am understanding it more and more.

The Second Century Ride...

On Saturday, August 14, David, Danny and his dad rode their second 103 mile bike ride together. Their starting and stopping points were the same but they took a little different route this time to get to Grandpa and Grandma Smiths house. Nichole and I and the kids, along with my friends, Jami and Mike, greeted David, Danny and Al as they rounded the corner before the lake house. With burning legs and half smiles on their faces, the boys dismounted their bikes and quickly found their way to the chairs overlooking the lake. It was one of streak of 90 degree days we had this summer but fortunately the overcast sky protected them a bit from the heat. We spent the afternoon relaxing by the lake, taking boat rides, and watching the kids play in the water. I am continually amazed at how much more comfortable Jonah is this year compared to last summer when he would barely get his knees wet. Judah, he has been daring from the start. He badly wants to swim but just doesn't have the skills yet. We are working on them.

2010 Smith Wenger Michigan Vacation...

July 31 - August 7, 2010, Al and Karen treated their kids and grand kids to a vacation at Lake Michigan. Their were 18 of us and it was our first vacation together. We had so much fun enjoying the beach and the lake which happened to be the warmest it had been in twenty some years. Most days we followed the same routine...beach in the morning, pool in the afternoon, dinner together outside, beach after dinner, kids to bed, adults play cards until lights out...wake up and repeat with slight variations. I love routine so it was perfect for this gal.

I could share thousands of pictures from our vacation, but I will just share these few. I literally do have thousands however. My sister-in-law, Kristen, has an amazing camera, one that I someday hope to have once mine bites the dust. I LOVE photos. I LOVE memories and I believe that photos are such a great way to capture memories and pull them from your subconscious as you get older. I hope that this will prove true for my boys.

Whether it be pictures of Judah after his first bee sting, Jonah and Judah playing around in the sand at the beach in Michigan, watching the sunset in my lap, wearing daddy's swim caps and watching he and Uncle Danny train for their next triathlon in Lake Michigan...each memories is captured in these photos. I realize how much photos mean to me when I recognize that (besides my kids) the one thing that I would want to get out of my house if a fire were to occur would be the back up disks of all of my pictures. I am certain that pictures became more valuable to me after losing Zoe and Micah. I can look at my photo books of them and vividly imagine my time with them and those moments of connecting with those memories are incredibly special to me. So, I will keep taking pictures and keep asking my kids to smile at times when they would rather stick their hands in front of their faces...just for the sake of capturing memories.

12 years ago and 12 years later...

A week ago, I pulled up this picture of what David and I were doing 12 years ago. It is almost hard to imagine but 12 years ago, David and I were standing in the front of Calvary Evangelical Church in Van Wert, OH declaring our love and commitment to each other. The fire didn't stop that from happening and it definitely made the day more memorable for everyone there, not just me and David. As you'd guess, the safety policy for candles changed after our wedding. I would say that David and I have had numerous unpredictable events happen in our lives since that day. Not all bad, though we have definitely had our share of unpredictable tragedies. Two of the greatest unpredictable joys are definitely the two little boys that grace our lives every day. They are amazing.

On our anniversary weekend, David and I had the opportunity to celebrate family...my extended Saylor family, Jonah and Judah, and then just the two of us. I rarely have the opportunity to visit with my Grandma Saylor, Aunt Betty and Uncle Ron. My Saylor family is fairly small, especially compared to my Shindeldecker family, and they have lived a good distance from me most of my life. So, on Saturday when David and I had the opportunity to see them, we decided to make the trip to Ohio to visit for a while.

Later that evening, David and I took the boys to Fort Wayne. Last year on vacation, one of my favorite memories was staying in the hotel room on the way home. I had sort of forgotten that Judah was only 7 months at that time and a lot easier to manage in 1 room than he is at 20 months. Nonetheless, he and Jonah loved the pool and jumping on the king sized bed. They also enjoyed daddy pushing them around on the luggage cart. After a surprisingly restful and long nights sleep, we spent most of the next day at the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. Besides Judah falling into a camouflaged pile of peacock poop, it was a smooth and enjoyable day.

On the evening of our anniversary, David and I dropped the kids off at Danny and Nichole's house. I was pretty ready for some time away from the boys by then. Especially after (in the short stop at our house) they managed to close the garage door while the trunk of my parents van (which we had borrowed) was up, resulting in a couple of scuffs on their trunk and a garage door that came off the track. Somehow David managed to get the garage door working again and the scuffs on my parents' van were minor. David and I went to the neighborhood pool just the two of us. It seemed like our own private pool as there were less than 20 people there. We came home and enjoyed a quiet meal again just the two of us. Getting to talk without being interrupted by the boys is a true gift and a reminder that we need to find time to do this often...not just at the end of the day when we are exhausted. It was wonderful to spend time reminscing about our year, reflecting on our wedding day, talking about our future goals, and just connecting. On days like this, it is a true gift to be reminded of the person with whom I fell in love...and to realize that my husband is still that same person.

Smith Family Walks...

I am sure that when we make our way through the neighborhood we are quite the spectacle. Nonetheless, Smith family walks are the best. There are always running races occuring, someone is generally on someone else's shoulders, and memories are surely being made.

The Delaware County Fair...

I recall that one year ago, David and I took the boys to the fair (with the rest of the Smiths) and that Judah slept in his stroller the entire time we were there. He was barely 7 months old. Jonah was 2 1/2 which is quite different than 3 1/2. I didn't realize how much a year would make. Jonah is practically able to carry on adult conversations now while Judah not only sleeps much less but thinks he is quite the independent little being. One of my favorite parts of the night was watching the boys dance as we listened to my friend perform a repertoire of favorite songs. I must say that Judah has quite the moves!

What we've been doing...

Recently, I made a secret goal (which is no longer secret) to continue to update my blog once a month. Apparently, that was a lofty goal. I think that I sometimes underestimate how busy life can be working part-time and taking care of a toddler and pre-schooler. Even though I convince myself that some days the demands from Jonah (my pre-schooler) are getting less, there is no convincing myself that the demands from Judah (my toddler) are lessening. If anything, the demands from Judah are at their peak. Escaping during the day to make a blog entry is often impossible and by the time their bedtime approaches, I often have next-to-nothing left.

So now, though less reflective, I am making a new goal to make entries at least once a month but with less expectations on myself. Sometimes, I may even let the pictures speak for themselves. We'll see how this goes.

JULY 4th WEEKEND

David and I recently have been talking about how spoiled we feel. We are so grateful for the unique opportunities that we sometimes have. On this particular weekend, David and I and the boys got to spend the weekend at a lake cottage in Northern Indiana with some of our closest friends. Jonah and Judah loved the water (and the sparklers) while I had a blast experiencing a jet ski for the first time. We ended the weekend back in Muncie watching the fireworks display over the river. I LOVED the amount of family time we had that weekend and truly didn't want it to end.

On July 11th, David competed in his 2nd (of 3) triathalons this summer. The event had so much energy and the boys and I had a lot of fun cheering for David. It was additionally special because we also were able to encourage David's brother and sister-in-law. Might I say that all three of them did a wonderful job!

Following the triathalon, David, the boys, and I headed to Ohio where we celebrated family at the Shindeldecker family reunion. There were almost 50 of us present. We also devoted some of the day to welcoming my new great-niece (Sophie Marie) and recognizing my grandfather's 90th birthday.

The Sprinkler Park

Can you imagine the disappointment of 15 children when upon arriving at the sprinkler park, that the electricity is out and therefore the sprinklers were not working for the day!? Fortunately, the adjacent park had fun playground equipment and lots of mud to keep them occupied! Even more fortunate was the fact that a very nice man came and turned the power on so that we were able to use the sprinklers for the hour before we headed home. If I would have had soap, I would have gladly taken the opportunity to shower the boys. Man did they need it!

Picnics are one of my favorite things. Fortunate for me, my boys seem to like them too. I must admit that not having to clean my kitchen following the meal is a definite benefit. This picnic took place at the county fairgrounds prior to walking around and looking at the animals. Unfortunately, many of the animals were not open to the public. I guess that doesn't really matter since when we got home, Jonah told David that we got to see giraffes, dolphins, and monkeys...none of which were at our fair!

I LOVE family time. Next week, David and I will celebrate 12 years of marriage. For our anniversary, we always return to Ivanhoe's near Taylor U where we had our first date. Afterwards, we tromps around campus typically reminiscing about old times. This year, we decided to bring the boys with us. They were so much fun. Being with them, adds an additional dimension to that which I am thankful. They of course loved running through campus and eating ice cream at Ivanhoe's even more!

Pickin Berries

When I was a child, I remember picking wild blackberries with my dad and sister. I fondly recall hiking down the railroad tracks behind our little house in Convoy with a large bucket that I believe we nearly halfway filled. I think that my mom would typically stay home but her efforts came shortly after we'd arrive with our treasure, when she would transform our bucket of fresh berries into an incredible cobbler. The house would begin to smell amazing and we would know that it was almost time to dig into the "fruits of our labor".

Many summers past once we moved from those tracks in Convoy with no berries. I don't think I missed it all that much until sometime after I got married. I love creating memories and I feel like the memories of traditions are ones that tend to stick for me. I remembered picking berries and I wanted to reinstate the tradition with my new family. A few years ago, David and I discovered that the biking trail near our home is lines with wild berries. Getting to them before the birds or other eager folks like me can be a challenge however. Last night, after a long two days at work, David and I were discussing what to do with the hour between eating supper and putting the boys to bed. It seemed like a perfect time to pick some berries. David had peeped the scene earlier in the day on a bike ride and had already determined the best location. Jonah was excited and so was I. So we headed out the door with the boys and located about 2 cups of wild blackberries. Jonah may have eaten close to a cup through the picking process. Though I just finished making my cobbler (which I am crossing my fingers is reminiscent of the ones mom used to make), I recognize that it is not about the berries, the amount gathered, or the baked cobbler. It is about the experience shared, the story I am creating with my family...

Happy Mother's Day 2010...

Sunday morning at church, my friend Jennifer spoke about returning to a childlike faith. Along with that, returning to a childlike simplicity about life. When we were a child, relationships, sleep, expectations, etc were less complicated. I love the lessons I often learn from my children. They are beautiful and energetic and carefree. Judah loves to eat dirt while Jonah loves to play in it. I often complicate even play by becoming overly focused upon the energy and cleanup that will be involved in the process. After church, I went back to being a kid (at least for a little while). The entire family took turns sliding down the slide and I wrestled Jonah in the grass. Jonah must have been quite impacted by the fun because at least a dozen times since then he has spontaneously spouted out, "hey, I have an idea. Let's do a family slide."

After playing together for a bit, David and the boys began the typical mother's day tradition of planting flowers around the house for me. I get to do the fun stuff, watch and take pictures! Last year, I recall that Judah basically laid on a blanket while Jonah attempted to help David dig holes. Just a year later, Jonah was clearing dirt out of the holes with his big boy shovel while Judah was pushing mulch back into the holes. David is so patient with them and didn't mind the extra effort undoing their damage would require of him.

I feel so fortunate to have my boys. On Monday, while visiting with my friend, she asked me what Mother's Day was like for me. I knew that behind her question, she was wondering if I felt sad regarding the absence of Zoe and Micah. Though we did visit Zoe's grave just after church and we did plant lilies in memory of the two children who are no longer with me, I told her that I just cannot help but be grateful for Jonah and Judah. I love them so much that it hurts and they bring me so much joy. I am so glad that the joy of being grateful for them rather than the pain of missing my other two children can be my focus. It was a good Mother's Day.

Where did it go?

I usually love the month of April. They weather is typically beautiful (even with the unpredictable storms that seem to creep up). This April has seemed like a blur in many ways. I am chuckling as I realize that I chose the word "blur" as one of the things that has made this month busy is the fact that a week ago, I had the privilege of undergoing Lasik eye surgery and have gone from very blurry vision to seeing 20/20 or better. So, in some ways, life is a lot more clear! Wow, I find myself going from one thought to another...maybe that is a symptom of my sleepiness or maybe it is the state of mind I am currently in. I feel blurry but yet clear. Are you confused yet?

The month started out with Easter and breaking my 6 week fast from facebook. During the fast I hoped to be more intentional about how I was spending my time desiring to connect more with God as opposed to mindlessly looking through the same set of pictures and status updates over and over again. Well, the fast ended and though I haven't returned to the old pattern of wasting endless time through FB, time has definitely been filled by other things. Namely, I feel like I have been existing through sleeplessness as a result of having had a sick little Judah for almost 3 weeks now. High fevers have dramatically interferred with Judah's generally happy nature. His sleep and therefore our sleep have been pathetic and consequently I have been functioning in a haze. Finally today, I feel a burst of energy. I want to exercise, I want to read a book that I have been hearing about (which unfortunately I do not currently possess), I want to organize, and I don't feel the overwhelming need to lay down for a nap. This is quite the improvement. Judah is acting a bit more like himself and only awakened me 5 times last night as opposed to literally 20 earlier in the week. I am regaining my strength and my clarity.

This morning at church we saw a documentary of a man who has been living out his story, a story of which he can be proud and a story of which one would say he has been "running the race". After the documentary had ended, we were asked the question, "Are you running the race?" To which I immediately thought, "Which race am I running?" Often, I feel like I am running a race but not always the race that is best. Am I in a race to get the chores done, to earn more, to check things off the list? That really is not the type of race that at the end I can feel proud. The race I want to be in is affecting others by allowing Christ to affect me. We were also asked the question of "what is hindering you in your race"? Sometimes the answer feels like "everything". (Deep Breath...) So, today I jump back into the race. Slow and steady is what I have always heard. Consistency. Breathing. Connecting with my creator. That is where I start.

Easter Weekend...

I am absolutely in love with my kids. Yes, some days they make me want to pull out every hair from my head but most of the time I just want to squeeze them until I can't squeeze anymore. I am so grateful for the past Easter that we were able to experience together. I will have a lot of beautiful memories from this weekend. The fun began Friday, when for the first time, my Grandma Saylor visited my home. Since dad had the responsibility of picking my grandma and aunt up from the Indy airport, he took the liberty of driving them past Muncie on their way back to Van Wert. Since my grandma has been living in Florida with my aunt (who also visited) over the past 1 1/2 yrs, getting to see her does not happen often. She has never met Judah and only seen Jonah a couple of times. Recently, Jonah has been in this "play shy" phase which in David and I's opinion comes across as rude. Fortunately, he was in the "let me entertain you" mode when grandma visited so that she was able to see a better picture of Jonah. Judah is pretty consistently cute, energetic, and lovable right now. So, while my parents, grandma, and my aunt were at our house for a short visit, we had our first Easter Egg Hunt followed by dinner and entertainment (trying to talk while Jonah directed us as "the band" with him playing lead on the drum set).
This is the first Easter Sunday that I can recall not driving to Van Wert to have dinner with my extended Ohio family followed by the huge candy hunt. We love being with my family but with church responsibilities, the timing just didn't work for us. So this year, we did things a little different. On Sunday, we woke up bright and early and headed to IHOP for pancakes before church. During our church service, 5 individuals were baptized. One of the individuals was Nate the drummer. Nate the drummer and Dave the guitar player are three of Jonah's favorite people to see at church (especially when they are drumming and playing the guitar). On Easter, Nate was being baptized and Dave was baptizing him. David and I thought that it would be a significant event for Jonah to watch the baptisms and that they would hold even more meaning to his 3 year old mind since two of his favorite people were involved. Jonah was quite attentive and wanted to check out the baptistry tub afterwards. We had quite a conversation last night about Easter being the time we celebrate that Jesus is alive and that "Nate got a bath and Dave pushed him down". And then we proceeded to talk more about "Bathtism".

After service, David and I and the boys visited Zoe's grave. Our friends, Tim and Karen and their kids, joined us as we gave Zoe the Easter Lily that their daughter, Waverley, had purchased in memory of her. Jonah was again in the "Let me entertain you" mode and showed Wavey what visiting Zoe's grave is like. He also showed her the trees, the other graves, the huge mulch pile behind the graves and a few other things. You'd think they were much older than 3 by the way they interact sometimes. After Tim and Karen and their kids left, David and I and the boys had a short picnic at Zoe's grave. The wind was very strong and the boys were getting restless so even though the picnic was short, I really enjoyed our moments together...another memory that I will cherish.

Happy Spring Day...

David and I spend a lot of time talking about gifts for the boys. We try to be very intentional when it comes to what we give them for their birthdays and for Christmas. This previous fall, David and I were on a walk and we were attempting to plan out the upcoming gifts. It occurred to us that Jonah and Judah both have birthdays in the cold months and that Christmas is obviously in a cold month as well, not times very conducive to giving outdoorsy things and telling them they will have to wait months before using them. At that moment we came up with the idea for a new tradition that we would call "Spring Day". Spring Day would generally occur on the first day of Spring unless schedule or whether did not allow. On Spring Day, the boys would be surprised with some sort of outdoor gift...something that would encourage play and encourage the enjoyment of spring.

So on March 20th, 2010 the Smiths celebrated our first Spring Day. The gift choice for Jonah was obvious, a bike. He was able to ride his cousin Moses' bike last summer and he was often telling us that he wished he had a bike like Moses. Now he does. Seeing the look on his face when he saw "a bike just like Moses'" was priceless. Hearing him say thank you at least 5 times while he rode his new bike made it all worth it. Choosing a gift for Judah was not quite as simple. We decided to get him a soccer ball that is attached to a band that brings that ball back to you. He likes it but he really just wanted to put on Jonah's helmet and ride the bike like Moses'. We also decided to get a gift for the two of them (mostly because daddy could stand the idea of them not having a functioning basketball hoop outside where they could improve their skills:)). Judah just thinks he is a big boy. It might be due to him being around older kids a lot of the time or it may be because he is just daring and likes to think of himself as older. Whatever it is, he seemed to like all of the Spring Day gifts.

Unfortunately, Spring is a time of unpredictable whether. The morning we celebrated, it was warm and sunny. That night, the temps dropped 20+ degrees and it rained for two straight days. Fortunately, as I look out the window, it is sunny and fairly clear which gives me hope that we will soon be able to enjoy our Spring Day gifts again very soon.

The Snack Drawer...

Many families have a snack drawer. Most use the drawer to store their snacks....Judah...he has chosen to redefine the meaning of a snack drawer.

The Wiser Parts of the Family...

Visiting with Grandpa Shindeldecker on Saturday. Judah was quite interested in Grandpa's scooter and surely would have ridden away if he could have figured it out. Jonah was quite full of love and compliments. As soon as we walked into the building, Jonah looked around and said "oh, this is so beautiful". I love those kids!

A Sunday full of Smiths...Can you see the family resemblance? We decided to have a small gathering on Sunday to spend time together before David's dad journeys across the US on his bike. Yes...I said "on his bike". Would you believe that this 62 year old is getting ready for a 6 week, 2600 mile bike trip from coast to coast?! Way to go Al! See you in April 30th!

Can you feel it?

This morning, I sent my boys out the door in their sweatshirts...no winter coats with hoods, just their sweatshirts. Maybe I am being a bit eager but I think they will be able to handle it just fine. I didn't wear a coat at all and felt just fine. I love that the sun is shining and that I can feel spring in the air. The snow is melting and though the ground is a mess from being saturated, I have faith that in just a few days my boys will be able to walk on it without ending up with their shoes caked in mud. Our driveway and sidewalks are clear and the boys have loved getting to play outside. I remember feeling this way last year and now I am feeling it again...I think that nice weather makes me feel like a better mom. When I take the kids outside, they seem happier and more entertained. I find myself saying 'no' less often and sitting back able to enjoy their exploration of the things around them. It is hard to believe the difference a year makes. Last year, I would have had to strategically plan our trips outside around Judah's 3 naps a day schedule and I would have been holding him almost every time we were outdoors. This year, he wants to run with the big dogs. Yesterday, Jonah and his friend, John, wanted to ride their trikes down the sidewalk to the end of the road. Judah was right there behind them, practically running as fast as they could ride. And he has fallen in love with the electric car. Fortunately, since it isn't too safe for Judah at this point, David detached the battery so that even though the car won't move, Judah can still climb in a dance to the music that plays when he pushes the car's buttons. He acts as if he doesn't have a care in the world. I am looking forward to a spring that is not governed by my children's nap schedules but instead by their desires to be kids.

Sharing Zoe...

Some of David and I's closest friends are Tim and Karen Daugherty. They have extremely special to us for several years now. Though, they had been in our lives for quite a while before getting pregnant with Zoe, they became even more significant to us during that time. Tim and Karen were amazing at being present with us through that time, even in the times where there was awkwardness and discomfort. In the days following Zoe's death, Tim and Karen would have flown to the moon and back for us if that is what we needed. We appreciate them so much. Tim and Karen will quickly say that their daughter Waverley was conceived out of seeing that love that David and I expressed for Zoe. Tim wasn't quite ready to have kids before that experience but something about watching us love Zoe, convinced him that he wanted to experience that love also. That is and will always be a humbling thought to me. So Wavey was born within a year of Zoe's death. By God's grace, Jonah was born just a few months later. They absolutely LOVE each other. Maybe it's that feeling that she is like a sister to Jonah. I am not sure, but watching them interact is so precious.

On Sunday morning, Karen shared with David that Wavey was talking about Zoe (something that isn't uncommon in their home) and she said that she was sad that Zoe had to die. Karen told Wavey that we had pictures of Zoe at our house and asked her if she wanted to see them sometime. Wavey said that she would like that. So on Sunday evening, we arranged for Tim, Karen, Wavey and Palmer to come over for a visit. Of course the kids played for a while and took turns on the drums (even Tim gave it a shot) but for about 20 minutes (which is quite a while for two 3 year olds), David and Tim looked through Zoe's photo album with Jonah and Waverley while David shared her story in a way that they could understand. Karen and I took in the beauty of the moments from the other side of the room. It was definitely an experience that I will remember and I kind of think they might remember it as well.

Fun in the Snow...

I have to admit that when the sun was finally shining on Tuesday and the snow was beginning to melt, I felt Spring in the atmosphere and it made me happy. I love seeing the snow fall and I really love being snowed in with my family. I am not a fan of being cold and I am really not a fan of playing in the snow. However, playing in the snow goes along with being a kid and I am sure that it goes along even more with being a boy. So, I am ALWAYS so grateful when people want to take my Jonah out to play in the snow. David has done it a few times. My friend, Sandy, has done it. And on Saturday, Al and Karen invited Jonah over to play in the snow with his cousins, Megan and Sydney. I was certain he would have fun and that he would be well taken care of. Megan and Sydney adore Jonah and both like to "mother" him (even though Megan is only 9 months older than Jonah). Jonah pretty much just sits back and lets them take care of him. It may be that it's a little overwhelming to him, but I must say that it is pretty cute to watch. So, on Saturday, Jonah built his first snowman with Memaw Wenger, Buckaw Smith, Megan and Sydney. When I came to pick him up, Jonah was looking warm and cozy in memaw and buckaw's kitchen where he was scarfing down memaw's freshly baked cinnamon bread. He wasn't sure if he was more excited about the break or more excited to show me his snowman. He showed me the snowman and quickly went back to his cinnamon bread. I guess that's a boy...you work hard...you eat hard.

Seriously Judah?!

On at least an every other day basis, I find myself saying those words out loud...SERIOUSLY Judah? Usually followed by another, SERIOUSLY?! That kid...he is adorable, incredibly cuddly, loving, energetic, and daring. Yesterday, David described him as 'fearless' and I would have to agree. Unless I am constantly on Judah's heels (which is nearly impossible), he finds something new and exciting to occupy him. He is quite self-sufficient. I guess I should be grateful for that? He has learned to open the cabinets and get out the Cheerios when he needs a snack. He crawls into the fridge and finds his way to a drink or whatever else looks interesting. If he sees something that looks good on top of the table, he quickly climbs up to get it. The other night, I had just told Jonah that after he brushed his teeth, he could get a drink of water from the kitchen. Shortly after that, I heard the crunching of David's plastic water bottle in the kitchen. David got there before I did and told me that I needed to come quickly to see what Judah was up to. There in the kitchen, Judah was standing in the second drawer up from the floor helping himself to a drink of water (just as I had directed Jonah to do). Self-sufficient...that's fine. Fearless... I'm not so sure I like that. It doesn't help that Judah is not the most graceful of kids. Though he has been walking for nearly 4 months, some days he falls so many times that you would think he was just learning to take his first steps. He regularly has bruises on his head and last week he even a nice bloody lip. He just keeps going though...self-sufficient and determined. I am thinking that one of these days that combo will play itself out well? Maybe?

Lent...

I have been a Christian for 30ish years, have been in church most of my life, attended a Christian college and was married to a pastor for 10 years, however, I do not intend to sound like a biblical scholar as I write this post, nor do I really think I could even fake sounding like one. Anyhow, people around me have been talking a lot about lent over the past few weeks. I have spoken about it a great deal with one of my close friends who happens to lead a Bible study with a group of ladies that primarily happen to be Catholic. I have always felt like Lent was a "Catholic Thing" and because I am not Catholic, it didn't really apply to me. Well, what I do know is that Lent is the 40(ish) days before Easter and that it is a period of time that is specifically set aside to prepare us to remember Christ's death on the cross and his resurrection that followed. Well, if I am a Christian (and I am) why wouldn't this apply to me. Christ's death and resurrection are foundational to my faith.

So this year, I have heard people talking about what they will be giving up for Lent. I had a client yesterday use the word "sacrifice" as she spoke about what she was abstaining from during this time. Sacrifice is really a key word as I consider Lent and the decisions I am making in order to make this season different than the days that proceeded it. Since Christ sacrificed HIS LIFE, doesn't it make since that I would sacrifice something of significance that will hopefully remind me (if even to some degree) of the sacrifice he made and the understanding that the sacrifice was not an easy one. We often forget that even though Christ was fully God, he was also fully man. He had choices every day, just like we do...and yet he made the choices that give us life and hope and grace and so much more.

So when I awoke yesterday, still not knowing what sacrifice I was going to make, I asked myself the question, "what do I not want to give up?" And in that moment, I feel like God was suggesting that I give up facebook. Yes, you can laugh now. Facebook. How can giving up facebook be a sacrifice and how can that sacrifice cause me to move closer to God? I spend a lot of meaningless time perusing facebook...status updates, friends' pictures, etc. I walk past our office and feel the urge to jump on facebook (if even for just a minute which usually turns to 2 or 3 or 4 or 5). That is the time, those are the urges, that I desire to turn over to God. In those moments when I "just want to check in really quick", I will pray or think about Christ's sacrifice. During that time, which I spend looking through facebook while David is working on the computer beside me or when I think I have nothing better to do, I will read or pray or reflect.

So, this is my small sacrifice that I am making in the hopes that over the next 40ish days, I will be more in tune with the depth of the sacrifice Christ made for me.

Happy Birthday David!

Happy 35th Birthday to David Allan Smith ~ 15 1/2 years you walked into my life and I am forever grateful that I have the privilege of being your wife. You are such a blessing in my life. I treasure seeing you grow as a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, and as a man. You provide me safety, joy, laughter, wisdom, compassion and you truly help me to become more of who God has created me to be. Thank you!

Snow Days

So, I love snow days and it is not because of getting to play out in the snow. In fact, being cold makes me a bit cranky. However, I love the thought of being trapped inside our house. It seems that on those days, there is some sort of permission given to stay in your pj's all day long and do nothing productive outside of just enjoying the company of the people with whom you are trapped. That is exactly what we have gotten to do a few times recently at the Smith house and I really do love it. To that, I say, "bring on more snow".

Remembering Micah...

Though Micah was only in our care for 5 weeks. He really affected David and I. We were so ready to love a child. Our hearts were so vulnerable because of the pain that we had experienced through the death of Zoe but we had somehow managed to leave them open. Losing him changed us. It depleted us of the remaining energy we had and closed our hearts a little more. I think the world unfortunately became a bit more tainted in our eyes. I am grateful for the ways that our hearts have been healing over the past 4 years, but trust me when I say that kind of compounded grief is hard to work through.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few days looking at pictures of Micah. When I look at the pictures, I cannot help but notice how adorable and perfect he was, but there is something else that I notice as well...I notice all of the people that were living life with us through our pains and our joys. The day we brought Micah home from the hospital, we must have had 50+ people come to our home to visit. When I brought Micah to church for the first time (less than a week after he was born), it was like a rock star had entered the building. I think because of the heartache that our friends and family had experienced with us through the loss of Zoe, they too were exponentially excited about this true gift that had quickly been provided for our family. Micah was taken from our home on February 13, 2006. And on that day, it was not just David and I who felt broken but many others as well. Sometimes, I feel such comfort in knowing that others share in the pain that I feel. But to be honest, this time...it pretty much just bites. Nonetheless, I feel their support and their love...the whole situation just doesn't resolve. And I don't like that others have to feel that unresolved pain as well. It is interesting to think that I feel so much more closure with the death of my daughter...she is with Jesus and there is nothing that I could have done to save her life. Micah...well he isn't with Jesus (though I pray that he will be someday). He is instead with his birth father who initially wanted nothing to do with him probably only an hour or so down the road and yet we can't even see him or talk to him. Now that bites...plain and simple.

Last night, shortly after I realized the date, David threw the idea of an impromptu birthday party for Micah. We Smiths might be a little odd at times but I love the way we face things head-on and honor even the hardest of events. For situations like this, we can pretty much guarantee that Danny and Nichole and their kids, will be available and ready to join us.

For about two years, David and I did not eat Taco Bell. It used to be a favorite until we received the call from our attorney that Micah would have to be returned to his birth father...we were in our car in a Taco Bell parking lot in Greensburg, IN feeding Micah and getting ready to bite into our Taco Bell lunch. Consequently, we were on our way to Kentucky to meet our new nephew, Moses, but we never made it there. Instead, David drove the car back to Muncie while I sat in the back of the car holding Micah in my arms and crying the entire way. David was not really sure how he made it home that day.

About 2 years later, David and I decided that we would try Taco Bell again. I had given a couple of attempts but it had literally made me instantly sick to my stomach. We decided that we would think of eating Taco Bell as a way to remember Micah. I know, that may seem like an odd thing for the rest of the world, but to the Smiths, this is kind of how we operate. It's a picture of redemption. And last night, we celebrated Micah's birthday by eating Taco Bell and chocolate ice cream with Danny, Nichole, Josiah, Hannah, Moses, and Noah.

After supper, we lit a candle, sang happy birthday to Micah and then looked at some video and pictures together. Josiah and Hannah were very interested in seeing the pictures with them in it. Hannah was only two at the time but Josiah was 4 1/2 and he has vague memories of Micah. After looking at pictures, we all sat in a circle in the living room and we each took turns praying for Micah. That was really special to me. Almost 4 years ago, the day before Micah was taken from us, several of our family and friends sat around me as I was holding Micah and we prayed for him. I vividly remember that my nephew Josiah (who again was only 4 1/2 at the time) was the first to pray. "Jesus, please help Micah to become a man of God". Josiah's prayer last night was very similar and it was equally special. God, I pray that you would answer these prayers and that Micah would become a man of God, that he would know you, and that he would always know how much he is loved and accepted. Amen.

I'd like to think that Micah would have fit right in with this crazy family!

Happy Birthday Micah...

I have never really been great with dates. And for some reason, I thought that the 10th was Tuesday. That is, until I made my last post and saw that it came up as January 10th... Ugh, a sick feeling in my stomach. I thought that I might have a little of that feeling on Tuesday but since I wasn't prepared, I think it just hit me a little harder than I was expecting.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about Micah David. His last name was going to be Smith but it ended up being Wilson. Four years ago today, after only being "activated" in the adoption process for 5 short days, David and I were thrilled to receive the call that we had been chosen by a birth mother to adopt her son. We received the call as she was being taken into surgery for her c-section. Being just 4 months after the death of our daughter, David and I were concerned about moving too fast into the adoption process. However, when we learned that there were several babies soon to be born with our agency and only a few families willing to adopt, we decided that the timing was determined for us. All along, we knew that our main goal was to provide a family to a child in need of one. Micah was that child and we quickly became his family.

I will never forget the excitement that came over us when we received the call. David and I were both getting ready for work. I was so thrown off that I put cleaning solution in my eye as I was attempting to put in my contacts. That didn't even put a slight damper on the mood however. David and I quickly cleared our schedule and hopped into the car to drive to Wishard Hospital in Indy where we would wait only a brief time before being ushered into the nursery to meet Micah for the first time. We adored him immediately. He was gorgeous and to see him laying there so peaceful was a bit overwhelming. The nurses allowed me to hold him right away. We named him and I fed him his first bottle. It was all surreal to say the least. It was wonderful and beautiful and so special. David and I were thrilled and our hearts were so open to loving this precious little guy who needed a family...We loved him immediately.

Today is Micah's 4th birthday. I can't help but think about him and wonder what he is doing. I pray for him...that he is taken care of, that he is loved fully, that he is happy, that the time we spent with him made a difference in who he becomes, and that the people around him demonstrate the love of Jesus to him. I hope he is having a wonderful birthday. Happy Birthday little guy! Man, my heart aches for you and wishes so badly that I could hug you and kiss you and celebrate this day with you.

Experiences with a Bunk Bed

I am not quite sure I realized how exciting a bunk bed would be for Jonah. I guess I should have realized with the anticipation that has been building over the last few weeks that the addition to his bedroom would be life changing for him. But I guess I was a bit naive.

The Boys' bunk bed (compliments of Buckaw Smith and Gill Brothers Furniture) arrived on the snowiest day of the season, Thursday. We were all a bit concerned that the weather may keep the delivery men away but they braved the misery and assembled the bed in an amazingly short period of time. Jonah could hardly contain himself when he saw the finished product. He was immediately up the ladder and onto the top bunk taunting Judah with "You can't get me. You can't get me." A beautiful vision of things to come. The first day Jonah napped in his new bed, well....he didn't actually end up napping. Because my motherly anxiety moved me to ask David to remove the ladder for the time-being, Jonah decided that he needed to find an alternative path to the top bunk. David entered the room by the time Jonah was over halfway up the end of the bed. After talking with Jonah about "bunk bed safety", David tucked Jonah back into his bed and left the room. Shortly following, David heard more stirring in the room only to walk in and find Jonah standing on top of his new nearly 5 foot high dresser. I guess that the climbing bug had gotten into him. Two days later, we still cannot figure out how exactly he reached the top of the dresser. But now we have had to cover the topic of "dresser safety". Nonetheless, Jonah continues to be excited about the new bed and cannot wait until Judah is big enough to sleep in the bottom so that Jonah has to move to the top. I, on the other hand, am quite glad that that day is at least a year away. On a side note, it was too sweet early today when Jonah wanted to crawl into Judah's crib while he was napping to lay with him for a while. Moments like that remind me that Jonah is still caught between being a little guy and a big boy.

Jonah's concerts

After returning home from Church this morning, Jonah enjoyed directing the rest of the family to replay songs that he had heard during morning worship. I am amazed at how he seems to remember things even when I do not realize he is paying attention. It is just another reminder to me of how spongy little brains are! After playing through the worship songs a few hundred times, Jonah proceeded to provide several mini drum concerts for David and I. It is so fun to see the tiny improvements he is making in his coordination and rhythm. I love to see that he is even figuring out his "drummer face"...tongue out and all!

Celebrating 2010

David and I have always loved what a friend of mine has termed "staycations"...a.k.a. vacations at home. For the past 2 months, we had begun anticipating our Christmas/News Years staycation. We were going to have a house full of Smiths. Thirteen Smiths, one Smith dog, a Smith's sister and one non-Smith roommate who we are hoping somehow becomes a Smith when one day some Smith in shining armor sweeps her off of her feet and asks her to become a Smith too. Anyhow, we had a 4 day staycation with games, crazy amounts of food, laughing, additional guests, lots of noise especially from the 7 kids and fun, fun, fun. At the end of the weekend, I told David that I want to do staycations more often. He suggested "once a quarter" and I say "bring it on". It is not often that I get to spend much time anymore with Martha's family. It was great being with Martha, Eric, and of course Zoe Zola. Because Martha and Eric both came down with a nasty virus during their stay, I got to spend some concentrated time with Zoe Zola. She is the sweetest little thing and typically only cries when she is tired or hungry. Judah tries to crawl on her but Jonah adores her. The way he interacts with her reminds me of how he was with Judah when he was littler. Jonah loves saying "Zoe Zo Zo" and being very close to her. He becomes very concerned when she is unhappy. It is so precious to watch. During one meal, when it happened to be just David, Jonah, Judah, Zoe and me, Jonah asked if we could pray a second time and it was obvious that the reason was so that he could hold Zoe's hand again while we prayed. So, so sweet.

Earlier in the weekend, when Nichole was holding Zoe, she asked me if it was "weird" for me. She was referring what it is like calling her Zoe. This was the closest Nichole had been to another Zoe baby since she held my daughter Zoe. I understand what she was referring to. It was odd at first for me too but it keeps getting easier each time I get to spend time with Zoe Zola. I was explaining to my 8 year old nephew, Josiah, that Zoe has the same name as my daughter/ his cousin and he asked me "why"? When I explained to Josiah that Eric and Martha wanted to honor our family by naming their daughter after our Zoe, he seemed a little perplexed. In some ways it is still a bit perplexing to me as well. The true honor of that choice is almost an emotion that I cannot quite fully comprehend. Though I cannot fully comprehend the honor, I know that I love both Zoe Dawn and Zoe Zola A LOT!