Remembering Micah...

Though Micah was only in our care for 5 weeks. He really affected David and I. We were so ready to love a child. Our hearts were so vulnerable because of the pain that we had experienced through the death of Zoe but we had somehow managed to leave them open. Losing him changed us. It depleted us of the remaining energy we had and closed our hearts a little more. I think the world unfortunately became a bit more tainted in our eyes. I am grateful for the ways that our hearts have been healing over the past 4 years, but trust me when I say that kind of compounded grief is hard to work through.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few days looking at pictures of Micah. When I look at the pictures, I cannot help but notice how adorable and perfect he was, but there is something else that I notice as well...I notice all of the people that were living life with us through our pains and our joys. The day we brought Micah home from the hospital, we must have had 50+ people come to our home to visit. When I brought Micah to church for the first time (less than a week after he was born), it was like a rock star had entered the building. I think because of the heartache that our friends and family had experienced with us through the loss of Zoe, they too were exponentially excited about this true gift that had quickly been provided for our family. Micah was taken from our home on February 13, 2006. And on that day, it was not just David and I who felt broken but many others as well. Sometimes, I feel such comfort in knowing that others share in the pain that I feel. But to be honest, this time...it pretty much just bites. Nonetheless, I feel their support and their love...the whole situation just doesn't resolve. And I don't like that others have to feel that unresolved pain as well. It is interesting to think that I feel so much more closure with the death of my daughter...she is with Jesus and there is nothing that I could have done to save her life. Micah...well he isn't with Jesus (though I pray that he will be someday). He is instead with his birth father who initially wanted nothing to do with him probably only an hour or so down the road and yet we can't even see him or talk to him. Now that bites...plain and simple.

Last night, shortly after I realized the date, David threw the idea of an impromptu birthday party for Micah. We Smiths might be a little odd at times but I love the way we face things head-on and honor even the hardest of events. For situations like this, we can pretty much guarantee that Danny and Nichole and their kids, will be available and ready to join us.

For about two years, David and I did not eat Taco Bell. It used to be a favorite until we received the call from our attorney that Micah would have to be returned to his birth father...we were in our car in a Taco Bell parking lot in Greensburg, IN feeding Micah and getting ready to bite into our Taco Bell lunch. Consequently, we were on our way to Kentucky to meet our new nephew, Moses, but we never made it there. Instead, David drove the car back to Muncie while I sat in the back of the car holding Micah in my arms and crying the entire way. David was not really sure how he made it home that day.

About 2 years later, David and I decided that we would try Taco Bell again. I had given a couple of attempts but it had literally made me instantly sick to my stomach. We decided that we would think of eating Taco Bell as a way to remember Micah. I know, that may seem like an odd thing for the rest of the world, but to the Smiths, this is kind of how we operate. It's a picture of redemption. And last night, we celebrated Micah's birthday by eating Taco Bell and chocolate ice cream with Danny, Nichole, Josiah, Hannah, Moses, and Noah.

After supper, we lit a candle, sang happy birthday to Micah and then looked at some video and pictures together. Josiah and Hannah were very interested in seeing the pictures with them in it. Hannah was only two at the time but Josiah was 4 1/2 and he has vague memories of Micah. After looking at pictures, we all sat in a circle in the living room and we each took turns praying for Micah. That was really special to me. Almost 4 years ago, the day before Micah was taken from us, several of our family and friends sat around me as I was holding Micah and we prayed for him. I vividly remember that my nephew Josiah (who again was only 4 1/2 at the time) was the first to pray. "Jesus, please help Micah to become a man of God". Josiah's prayer last night was very similar and it was equally special. God, I pray that you would answer these prayers and that Micah would become a man of God, that he would know you, and that he would always know how much he is loved and accepted. Amen.

I'd like to think that Micah would have fit right in with this crazy family!