As David and I pulled away from the house very early this morning, I felt that the timing of vacation was going to be better than I had anticipated. Though the reality of Zoe’s condition is still very prominent in my mind, I felt that maybe we were going to be able to experience some amount of joy on this trip. The plane ride was good…David and I were able to act in love and enjoy one another’s company. I wasn’t affected by every pregnant woman or infant that strolled by me. However, emotions would strike every once in a while when I’d find myself back in that place again, thinking about that torture of knowing my Zoe is going to die. Maybe I am in a different place that for just a moment, I want to have hope, or I want to be in denial and believe that she is going to be alright. I know it is unrealistic and that I would just be kidding myself but maybe kidding myself is protecting myself…and maybe that is okay if even just for a moment.
Arriving in San Diego…
David and I traveled to San Diego to be with friends (Chris and Jaime Gianni) that we met at the Kona Encounter in Hawaii. When David and I stepped out of the terminal, we were not sure if we were looking for Chris or for Jaime. We walked outside of the airport and soon saw Chris drive up to the curbside. We were glad to see him and were immediately put at ease. Chris quickly told us that we can talk about our situation as much or as little as we want to. David expressed that he really appreciated Chris making that comment and that it would probably allow David to talk about it more.
We walked about shops in Del Mar while we waited for Jaime to arrive after picking up their kids
from school. It was great to see Jaime and their three kids (Camden, Caelen, and Chase) were absolutely adorable. Jaime is a very comfortable person to be around. She asks good questions and I did not feel uneasy talking to her about Zoe’s condition. It was obvious that Jaime was concerned about David and I and felt a lot of compassion for our situation. I never felt that Jaime said any insensitive comments which allowed me to talk more openly with her. They were extremely kind and generous to us throughout the stay. They expressed that since we were their guests, they wanted to treat us to all meals. Though we did not have any of those expectations, it meant so much that they would take care of us in that way.It was nice feeling that we could escape with Chris and Jaime. Jaime and I took walks every day and she would ask me how I had been doing to that point or what I had been thinking about. I found myself expressing my thoughts to her and she received them in a very accepting manner.
We stayed with Chris and Jaime until Saturday, May 28th. I don’t know when we will see Chris and Jaime again but I hope that it will be possible some time soon. I could imagine being good friends with Jaime but that is difficult when there is so much distance separating us. I know that she desires to be informed about Zoe on a regular basis and I am confident that she will be lifting us up in prayer.
On to Seattle (May 28)…
We left San Diego and headed to Seattle to stay with more friends whom we met in Hawaii (Philippe and Laura Vallerand). Philippe and Laura are the couple that prayed for us at their church on the designated Sunday for couples who were having difficulty getting pregnant. They are a wonderful couple whom David and I admire very much. We had been looking forward to seeing the Vallerands, but for some reason anxiety was starting to creep in during the flight. I think that I was becoming nervous about seeing someone new and talking about our situation. I feared that it might be too intense and that I might feel overwhelmed. I have still had little contact with people since receiving Zoe’s diagnosis.
As soon as Laura and Philippe picked us up at the airport, I remembered why we respected
them so much and just why we thought they were so wonderful. Laura often reminds us of David’s mom in that she is so incredible genuine and a woman who is truly seeking God in such a beautiful, humble way. They were incredible to us. They allowed us to see amazing pieces of Seattle. From the city to the mountains, it was all wonderful. Laura and Philippe, just like Chris and Jaime, were so kind, compassionate, and generous to us. It was obviously that they desired for our life (if even for just those few days) to be as relaxed as possible, and for that I will always be grateful.Anxiety strikes (6-2-05)…
It is the last day of our vacation in Seattle and David and I are supposed to be enjoying a free stay (compliments of Philippe) in a beautiful city in the corner suite of the Hyatt Regency, a luxury that we are not sure we could ever justify on our own budget. Though we enjoyed a good portion of the day, when the evening drew later, I began to sense a great deal of anxiety about returning home. For 10 days, David and I have been in our own protective bubble and at times have been able to escape our reality. It has felt safe and controlled. Now I fear returning to a place where there are demands placed on me, people know about my life, and I have to face my reality. It is a scary thought to me.
I laid my head in David’s lap and cried a lot. I cried out for our daughter and for our situation to be different. I want her to laugh and talk and walk like all the other children. I want to be able to take care of her and love her and provide for her needs. Yet I have no idea what lies ahead of us…if she will even exist outside of my body. I ache for her.
David held me and loved me yet he was more direct tonight than at other times recently. He said that this experience cannot take away who I am and that I cannot allow it. He told me that I have to survive and that as hard as it is I must face reality. David prayed for me and read a passage from “Good to Great” a book that he had been reading during vacation. It was a story about a man who was repeatedly beaten in a concentration camp. Though he never knew what was coming next, he knew that he had no choice but to survive and he did. I eventually stopped crying and gathered my composure to begin preparing mentally for the trip home. I somehow ended up sleeping alright.
Breakfast with Laura and Philippe (6-3-05)…
Though we were leaving early Saturday morning, Laura and Philippe met us at the Hyatt to see
us one last time before we returned to Indiana. We met for breakfast in the hotel restaurant. David and I were seated for a few minutes before they arrived. When Laura and Philippe walked in, Laura was carrying a gift bag that I knew was for Zoe. She handed it to me and said that it was okay to open it then. She said that she just couldn’t resist getting it for “our little girl”. I pulled the cutest softest little doll and fluffiest pink blanket out of the bag and told her that I knew Zoe would love them. Though in my mind I think “I hope Zoe gets to enjoy them”, I know that Laura’s faith allows her to be sure that she will.We spoke with Laura and Phillipe about the anxiety that I was feeling last night. I talked about not knowing what to feel…recognizing that God has the ability to completely restore Zoe though he may choose not to do so. Laura spoke about the YWAM board meeting that she had just returned from in Portland, OR. She spoke about a man on the board who gave testimony to many healing that he had seen recently. Laura told him that she knew of someone who needed that healing right now. Laura, Julie Livens, and this man prayed for us and prayed that God would heal Zoe.
Philippe sat there listening through much of our conversation and eventually said that he had some thoughts that he was not sure would be seen as popular ones. He spent a few minutes affirming our pain and the difficulty of our situation. He went on to say that as tough as it is, this situation is not about us, it is about God. How will we choose to honor him through it? Philippe talked about choosing for the focus to be on our pain or for the focus to be on the character of God and what we know about him even through the midst of this extremely difficult situation. He spoke about representing him well when we spoke about our situation with other people.
David and I left the restaurant knowing that there was a great deal of truth in what Philippe was saying. We know that God is constant even when life circumstances are chaotic. We know that he loves us and cares for us even at times when we wonder if he sees our pain. On the way to the airport, David and I talked about ways to represent God well even through this situation. We aren’t sure we know how it will look but we do desire to honor him in the midst of our pain and we pray for the faith and ability to do so.
Up and down (6-4-05)…
I was doing okay flying home and then I was emotional…up and down…up and down. This sort of feels like the story of my life right now. At times, I would think about Zoe dying and at times I would think about her possible healing. At one time, I turned to David and said, “What if Zoe has 6 fingers and she needs kidney surgery and that is all that is wrong with her?” David said, “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to be honest?” I hesitantly said “yes”. David said, “Honey, Zoe is going to die.” It felt so cold but I think that David is trying to also deal with our reality. He wrestles back and forth just like I do with wanting to believe and not wanting to have false hope. I just put my head on his shoulder and tried to fight back the tears.
Coming home from vacation (6-4-05)…
We had arranged for Justin and Sandy to pick us up at the Indianapolis airport. Due to inclement weather in Chicago, we were about two hours later than we had expected. Justin and Sandy were great though and acted as if it did not bother them in the least. When we exited the terminal, Justin and Sandy were sitting in the waiting area and Sandy was feeding Josiah who is now almost 2 weeks old. He has gotten darker since we last saw him and he is still so tiny. They had just attended a day conference on issues related to interracial/ intercultural adoption. The conference looked at the difficulties they may face and Justin and Sandy said that some of the possibility scenarios Josiah may have to go through brought tears to his eyes. Besides talking to Justin and Sandy about the conference on our way home, we also spoke a little about our vacation. I think that it was good for them to see us slightly more relaxed and interactive than when we left for vacation.
When we arrived home, Danny, Nichole, and the kids were away visiting Nichole’s family. It was good that we were able to come back to an empty house and start to ease back into the routine instead of having to interact a lot right away.
David and I left the restaurant knowing that there was a great deal of truth in what Philippe was saying. We know that God is constant even when life circumstances are chaotic. We know that he loves us and cares for us even at times when we wonder if he sees our pain. On the way to the airport, David and I talked about ways to represent God well even through this situation. We aren’t sure we know how it will look but we do desire to honor him in the midst of our pain and we pray for the faith and ability to do so.
Up and down (6-4-05)…
I was doing okay flying home and then I was emotional…up and down…up and down. This sort of feels like the story of my life right now. At times, I would think about Zoe dying and at times I would think about her possible healing. At one time, I turned to David and said, “What if Zoe has 6 fingers and she needs kidney surgery and that is all that is wrong with her?” David said, “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to be honest?” I hesitantly said “yes”. David said, “Honey, Zoe is going to die.” It felt so cold but I think that David is trying to also deal with our reality. He wrestles back and forth just like I do with wanting to believe and not wanting to have false hope. I just put my head on his shoulder and tried to fight back the tears.
Coming home from vacation (6-4-05)…
We had arranged for Justin and Sandy to pick us up at the Indianapolis airport. Due to inclement weather in Chicago, we were about two hours later than we had expected. Justin and Sandy were great though and acted as if it did not bother them in the least. When we exited the terminal, Justin and Sandy were sitting in the waiting area and Sandy was feeding Josiah who is now almost 2 weeks old. He has gotten darker since we last saw him and he is still so tiny. They had just attended a day conference on issues related to interracial/ intercultural adoption. The conference looked at the difficulties they may face and Justin and Sandy said that some of the possibility scenarios Josiah may have to go through brought tears to his eyes. Besides talking to Justin and Sandy about the conference on our way home, we also spoke a little about our vacation. I think that it was good for them to see us slightly more relaxed and interactive than when we left for vacation.
When we arrived home, Danny, Nichole, and the kids were away visiting Nichole’s family. It was good that we were able to come back to an empty house and start to ease back into the routine instead of having to interact a lot right away.
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