The First Standing Appointment

May 25, 2005 (The first standing appointment)…
I was slightly irritable this morning, anticipating the 11:30am appointment. Becky performed an ultrasound for approximately 90 minutes before Dr. Landwehr made it to the office due to several emergency procedures. Becky immediately detected Zoe’s heartbeat. It was beating strongly at 153 bpm which is the rate of a healthy fetus. Zoe definitely has 3 chambers in her heart and possibly four…four is normal. It was slightly unclear but Becky thought she detected four chambers. Her brain seems to be developing well. Her facial features seem to be normal…eyes and ears placed correctly, nose of regular size, and no apparent cleft lip. I believe that little Zoe is a beautiful baby and I am becoming less and less afraid of seeing her outside of my body. Zoe does have 6 fingers on her left hand but her right hand and feet seem to have the typical five digits. Her feet seem to be turned in the correct direction. Becky kept saying that her physical features do not seem to match any of the textbook descriptions of Trisomy 13. I was glad to see Zoe alive and moving quite steadily. I became emotional a few times just looking at the screen thinking about my precious little girl and wondering why it has to be this way. I did not walk away with additional hope…the outcome of Zoe’s life will likely be the same. Many internal abnormalities are not necessarily detected through the ultrasound and therefore I will not allow myself to attach to false hope. I am protecting my emotions.
After the ultrasound was over, Dr. Landwehr was paged and joined us a few minutes later. Dr. Landwehr said that it is possible that we have a 1 in 4 chance to produce a child without Trisomy 13. Not that he was presenting this as a positive stat, but I did think to myself, “is that supposed to make us happy?” Dr. Landwehr explained that I have passed the point that he would conduct a surgery to remove Zoe if she died, instead he would induce labor and he would not stop the process if I went into premature labor. Since we are going on vacation tomorrow, we will not see Dr. Landwehr for another two weeks. I do not know how long Zoe will be alive…I want to see each day as another blessing. My desire is that at the least, David would be able to feel Zoe move. I want him to be able to connect with his daughter in that way.
David and I had blood drawn after the appointment with Dr. Landwehr. It was supposed to be a simple blood draw for genetic counseling for David and I however, the orders were not there and the ordeal took much longer than expected. At one point, David had to turn away from the receptionist and walked down the hallway with his hands on his head. She didn’t know the severity of our situation but was getting the idea. (Consequently, I have had my blood drawn several times since that experience and they definitely remember me.)
The results should be in shortly after we return from vacation and then we will be able to begin the genetic counseling process. We have been referred to the Indiana University Medical Center for this process which makes us feel slightly more confident.

Life Is Hard (God Is Good)

By Pam Thum

You turn the key and close the door behind you

Drop your bags on the floor

You reach for the lightBut there's darkness deep inside

And you can't take it anymore

'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you

And sometimes living is all you can do


Chorus:

Life is hard, the world is cold

We're barely young and then we're old

But every falling tear is always understood

Life is hard, but God is good


You start to cry 'Cause you've been strong for so long

And that's not how you feel

You try to pray, But there's nothing less to say

So you just quietly kneel

In the silence of all that you face God will give you His mercy and grace

Jesus never said it was an easy road to follow

He only said that you would never be alone

So, when your last thread of hope begins to come unraveled

Don't give up, He walks beside you on this journey home

And He knows


Chorus:

Life is hard, the world is cold

We're barely young and then we're old

But every falling tear is always understood

Life is hard, but God is good

Email sent on 5/24/05


Hello Friends. We love you and have appreciated all of your words of concern, emails, cards, prayers, flowers, and other gestures. We could not ask to be surrounded by a more supportive group of people. We know that many of you have been agonizing with us over the past week. We have not been very communicative. It is just so hard to verbalize the emotions we are feeling. I feel so vulnerable right now and it is extremely difficult to communicate without crying. I told David that I do not feel like I have been on a rollercoaster this week, but instead I feel like I have been on a submarine. The depth of emotions have been exhausting. I want to let you know that we are surviving, as difficult as these days are. I have attached some excerpts from the journal that I started when I found out about the pregnancy. They are not bright thoughts, but they are real. I thought that they would at least let you know where I have been over the past few days.


We will be having an ultrasound on Wednesday, which will be our standing appointment. We will also have a chance to ask more questions to our doctor about Trisomy 13.
David and I are scheduled to leave for vacation on Thursday. I hope that the trip proves to be good timing. We will be with friends that we met in Hawaii. They are very kind people and I am sure that they will provide us space when we need it. Your continued prayers would really be appreciated. You are all a blessing to us.


Love, Christina


Meeting Josiah Michael Ullom…
Joey Ullom was born early in the morning on my birthday. This process for this adoption has gone very quickly. Justin and Sandy just received the phone call from the adoption agency a couple of days ago notifying them of the upcoming birth of a child and the choice of the birth mother to place with them. Justin and Sandy felt a mixture of emotions as when they received the call. We had actually begun the adoption process before they had but stepped out once I had found out that I was pregnant. We have walked through several steps of the process together. When Justin called us to tell us about their great news, he was very sympathetic to the thought that we may not be able to be excited for them at this time. He also expressed that it was quite special to them that their baby was born on my birthday.

Justin and Sandy headed to the hospital yesterday morning and crazy enough brought Josiah home at about noon today (5/25/05). Justin and Sandy wanted us to be able to meet Joey before leaving for vacation, so we headed to their house as soon as our 3½ hour blood draw venture at the hospital was over. It was nice meeting Joey. I am so happy for Justin and Sandy though it is still difficult to demonstrate my happiness on the outside. The miracle of Joey’s birth and every other healthy child is becoming more and more of an amazing thing to me. As I held Joey, I thought of Zoe and searched for a hint of hope that she would be a healthy, thriving little girl.