Attempting to Celebrate

Getting away…
We had a friend offer to pay for David and I to get away before we leave for vacation on Thursday, May 26th. We decided to take him up on his offer and headed to Indy on Friday and Saturday (May 20-21). It was good to be away from the house and be in a different environment for a short while, however the pain still followed us. We enjoyed one another’s company but continued to have the difficult conversations. At times, our minds would wander and I would either start crying, David would say “this sucks” or we would just become contemplative.
While in Indy, I had to shop for a maternity swimsuit for vacation. I was dreading this yet it needed to be done. I continue to struggle with my changing body for a whole new set of reasons now. We stopped first at the Castleton mall at Mimi maternity. How was it possible that the first shirt I looked at when I stepped into the store was a brand called “Zoe D.”? What a sick joke…David hugged me and I fought back the tears. I proceeded to try on swim suits and sale items while my mind felt tormented and slightly numb. I was once excited about buying maternity clothes and now I don’t know how to feel. I walked out of the store with nothing.

Saturday, May 21st…
My parents came to Muncie to “celebrate” my birthday. David and I arrived home at 3:45 and they were supposed to arrive within the next 45 minutes. We felt ourselves breaking down and wondering how we could have a descent evening with them. Jeff and Sarah McLaughlin brought us dinner that we decided we would heat up and eat with my parents. David and I made plans to play basketball, eat supper, and watch some stupid television. My parents arrived at 4:30 and brought a beautiful outdoor potted plant with them. It was good to reconnect with them after such a difficult Wednesday night interaction. We played some basketball, picked weeds (to get rid of mom’s nervous energy) and talked while we ate pizza together. Dad said that the last three days had been the hardest days of his life because he just keeps thinking about me having to carry a baby that is going to die. They asked us a few more questions that had come to them and we spoke openly. We told mom and dad about the deformities that had been discovered in the ultrasound on Monday. I expressed that I really wanted them to feel the freedom to ask us about things at any time. I have spent too much time over the past two years of infertility feeling like there was something wrong with me and few people knew how to communicate with me. I don’t want to feel like I am in that position again.

Sunday, May 22, 2005…
We didn’t go to church this morning. In fact, we are pretty much not doing anything until leaving for vacation on Thursday. I have cancelled all of my clients until we return. They have been informed that I am having serious complications with my pregnancy and they have shown a lot of concern. One client even sent flowers. I am glad that I have decided to take the rest of this next week off. I do not have much reserve right now to offer my clients and I cannot promise that my mind would not be wandering significantly while they were talking to me.
I didn’t sleep all that well again last night but I fortunately had a restful 2 hour nap this afternoon. David worked out in the yard most of the day laying mulch. I checked up on him every so often, but I really have been bumming a lot today. Actually, David has too…mulching was just an attempt to keep his mind occupied. We have had the house to ourselves all day and will also have it to ourselves tomorrow. Though we love Danny, Nichole and the kids, the space has been good and provided some additional peace. I am sure that it was also good for them to get away from the heaviness of our home right now.


Monday, May 23, 2005…
Today I turned 31 years old. Slightly ironic that the week of David’s birthday we found out that I am pregnant and he was able to declare it the best birthday ever. Now, I can declare this the worst birthday ever. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I love feeling special that particular day and selfishly having it be all about me. There were many kind people who sent birthday emails and cards but I think the day was MORE emotional because it was my birthday. David was wonderful…he did everything right. In the morning, David gave me a beautiful potted plant and a really nice card. At lunch, he gave me a digital video camera. I have been wanting one for the past two years (ever since we started trying to get pregnant). The main desire was to be able to video the pregnancy and our child. David knows that it could feel like a strange gift right now, but I have been talking about it for so long and we will get good use out of it somehow. The favorite part of my birthday is the tradition of David cooking me my birthday supper. He grilled salmon (with capers) and marinated portabella mushrooms, and made corn on the cob and mixed fresh fruit (strawberries, blackberries and red raspberries). That did bring some joy to me because it just means so much to have him serve me in that way. He loves doing it as well because he knows how much it means to me. He took three walks with me throughout the day, which is truly being a servant to me since I like to walk so much more than he does. But it was obvious he didn’t mind…his desire was just to make me happy. We did have some laughs and smiling during the walks, which was good. During the first walk (on the trail by the White River), an extremely nice guy from our old church came up behind us while he was running. He told us congratulations since it was the first time he had seen us since announcing the pregnancy. David and I both just kind of looked at him like saying “this is not a good time.” David told him that things have been better and he asked what was going on. David said, “You don’t want to know and we don’t want to talk about it.” The guy just kind of stumbled around words for a while before taking off on his run again. We felt bad because he is such a nice guy. He probably felt bad also and he has no idea why. We wondered if this is what the next few months are going to be like.