Waking Up

Friday, May 20, 2005…
I was finally able to bring myself to start reading more about Trisomy 13 on the internet yesterday. It was very hard but I feel like it will be good to do that when I can build up the energy to do so. The images that I find are quite disturbing. I think that every mother imagines their baby as a perfect little creature with 10 finger, 10 toes, two eyes, a fully developed brain, and a functioning heart. None of these are a given when your baby has Trisomy 13.

I have struggled between being afraid to attach to Zoe Dawn and wanting to connect with her and let her know that her mommy is right here for her doing everything she can to just make life as comfortable as possible for her. Yesterday, I began to talk to her again. Every time I feel her move, I tell her that she is strong and that I love her very much. Our prayer is that she would not suffer and that God would take her back into his arms before she does suffer. I am adjusting to being grateful for each day I have with her inside of me because it might be the last. Since receiving the news, I have struggled with wanting to hide my pregnancy and ignore what is happening inside and outside my body. Today, I am realizing that what the doctor said is true…she is alive because my body is the best possible life support that she could have. Last night, I took my first prenatal vitamin since Monday and I began drinking more water again. I love Zoe and I must be a mother to her and take care of her for as long as I can.

My prayers (5/22/05)…
During the last 5 days since receiving the news about Zoe, my prayers have been very brief. I am not angry at God yet I do wonder why this is happening. I do not blame God yet I desire for Him to provide the answers. David said it well when he expressed that he has questioned God so many times in the past and that he does not feel like being angry at God or questioning Him now. He just needs his heavenly Father to hold him and tell him that everything is going to be okay because He is the only one that can say that.
On Monday and Tuesday, my prayer was that Zoe would die soon so that we could begin to heal. Right now, it feels as if we are waiting for the inevitable and it is such a conflicted place to be. By Wednesday, I began to pray that Zoe would not suffer and that I could be thankful for everyday I have with her. Throughout it all, I cry out for God to have mercy on us…whatever that might mean.

Precious Lord…
Precious Lord, take my hand. Lead me on, help me stand;
I am tired. I am weak. I am worn;
Thru the storm, thru the night, lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When my way grows drear, precious Lord, linger near;
When my life is almost gone,
Hear my cry. Hear my call. Hold my hand lest I fall.
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.