Remembering Micah...

Though Micah was only in our care for 5 weeks. He really affected David and I. We were so ready to love a child. Our hearts were so vulnerable because of the pain that we had experienced through the death of Zoe but we had somehow managed to leave them open. Losing him changed us. It depleted us of the remaining energy we had and closed our hearts a little more. I think the world unfortunately became a bit more tainted in our eyes. I am grateful for the ways that our hearts have been healing over the past 4 years, but trust me when I say that kind of compounded grief is hard to work through.

I have spent a lot of time over the last few days looking at pictures of Micah. When I look at the pictures, I cannot help but notice how adorable and perfect he was, but there is something else that I notice as well...I notice all of the people that were living life with us through our pains and our joys. The day we brought Micah home from the hospital, we must have had 50+ people come to our home to visit. When I brought Micah to church for the first time (less than a week after he was born), it was like a rock star had entered the building. I think because of the heartache that our friends and family had experienced with us through the loss of Zoe, they too were exponentially excited about this true gift that had quickly been provided for our family. Micah was taken from our home on February 13, 2006. And on that day, it was not just David and I who felt broken but many others as well. Sometimes, I feel such comfort in knowing that others share in the pain that I feel. But to be honest, this time...it pretty much just bites. Nonetheless, I feel their support and their love...the whole situation just doesn't resolve. And I don't like that others have to feel that unresolved pain as well. It is interesting to think that I feel so much more closure with the death of my daughter...she is with Jesus and there is nothing that I could have done to save her life. Micah...well he isn't with Jesus (though I pray that he will be someday). He is instead with his birth father who initially wanted nothing to do with him probably only an hour or so down the road and yet we can't even see him or talk to him. Now that bites...plain and simple.

Last night, shortly after I realized the date, David threw the idea of an impromptu birthday party for Micah. We Smiths might be a little odd at times but I love the way we face things head-on and honor even the hardest of events. For situations like this, we can pretty much guarantee that Danny and Nichole and their kids, will be available and ready to join us.

For about two years, David and I did not eat Taco Bell. It used to be a favorite until we received the call from our attorney that Micah would have to be returned to his birth father...we were in our car in a Taco Bell parking lot in Greensburg, IN feeding Micah and getting ready to bite into our Taco Bell lunch. Consequently, we were on our way to Kentucky to meet our new nephew, Moses, but we never made it there. Instead, David drove the car back to Muncie while I sat in the back of the car holding Micah in my arms and crying the entire way. David was not really sure how he made it home that day.

About 2 years later, David and I decided that we would try Taco Bell again. I had given a couple of attempts but it had literally made me instantly sick to my stomach. We decided that we would think of eating Taco Bell as a way to remember Micah. I know, that may seem like an odd thing for the rest of the world, but to the Smiths, this is kind of how we operate. It's a picture of redemption. And last night, we celebrated Micah's birthday by eating Taco Bell and chocolate ice cream with Danny, Nichole, Josiah, Hannah, Moses, and Noah.

After supper, we lit a candle, sang happy birthday to Micah and then looked at some video and pictures together. Josiah and Hannah were very interested in seeing the pictures with them in it. Hannah was only two at the time but Josiah was 4 1/2 and he has vague memories of Micah. After looking at pictures, we all sat in a circle in the living room and we each took turns praying for Micah. That was really special to me. Almost 4 years ago, the day before Micah was taken from us, several of our family and friends sat around me as I was holding Micah and we prayed for him. I vividly remember that my nephew Josiah (who again was only 4 1/2 at the time) was the first to pray. "Jesus, please help Micah to become a man of God". Josiah's prayer last night was very similar and it was equally special. God, I pray that you would answer these prayers and that Micah would become a man of God, that he would know you, and that he would always know how much he is loved and accepted. Amen.

I'd like to think that Micah would have fit right in with this crazy family!

Happy Birthday Micah...

I have never really been great with dates. And for some reason, I thought that the 10th was Tuesday. That is, until I made my last post and saw that it came up as January 10th... Ugh, a sick feeling in my stomach. I thought that I might have a little of that feeling on Tuesday but since I wasn't prepared, I think it just hit me a little harder than I was expecting.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about Micah David. His last name was going to be Smith but it ended up being Wilson. Four years ago today, after only being "activated" in the adoption process for 5 short days, David and I were thrilled to receive the call that we had been chosen by a birth mother to adopt her son. We received the call as she was being taken into surgery for her c-section. Being just 4 months after the death of our daughter, David and I were concerned about moving too fast into the adoption process. However, when we learned that there were several babies soon to be born with our agency and only a few families willing to adopt, we decided that the timing was determined for us. All along, we knew that our main goal was to provide a family to a child in need of one. Micah was that child and we quickly became his family.

I will never forget the excitement that came over us when we received the call. David and I were both getting ready for work. I was so thrown off that I put cleaning solution in my eye as I was attempting to put in my contacts. That didn't even put a slight damper on the mood however. David and I quickly cleared our schedule and hopped into the car to drive to Wishard Hospital in Indy where we would wait only a brief time before being ushered into the nursery to meet Micah for the first time. We adored him immediately. He was gorgeous and to see him laying there so peaceful was a bit overwhelming. The nurses allowed me to hold him right away. We named him and I fed him his first bottle. It was all surreal to say the least. It was wonderful and beautiful and so special. David and I were thrilled and our hearts were so open to loving this precious little guy who needed a family...We loved him immediately.

Today is Micah's 4th birthday. I can't help but think about him and wonder what he is doing. I pray for him...that he is taken care of, that he is loved fully, that he is happy, that the time we spent with him made a difference in who he becomes, and that the people around him demonstrate the love of Jesus to him. I hope he is having a wonderful birthday. Happy Birthday little guy! Man, my heart aches for you and wishes so badly that I could hug you and kiss you and celebrate this day with you.

Experiences with a Bunk Bed

I am not quite sure I realized how exciting a bunk bed would be for Jonah. I guess I should have realized with the anticipation that has been building over the last few weeks that the addition to his bedroom would be life changing for him. But I guess I was a bit naive.

The Boys' bunk bed (compliments of Buckaw Smith and Gill Brothers Furniture) arrived on the snowiest day of the season, Thursday. We were all a bit concerned that the weather may keep the delivery men away but they braved the misery and assembled the bed in an amazingly short period of time. Jonah could hardly contain himself when he saw the finished product. He was immediately up the ladder and onto the top bunk taunting Judah with "You can't get me. You can't get me." A beautiful vision of things to come. The first day Jonah napped in his new bed, well....he didn't actually end up napping. Because my motherly anxiety moved me to ask David to remove the ladder for the time-being, Jonah decided that he needed to find an alternative path to the top bunk. David entered the room by the time Jonah was over halfway up the end of the bed. After talking with Jonah about "bunk bed safety", David tucked Jonah back into his bed and left the room. Shortly following, David heard more stirring in the room only to walk in and find Jonah standing on top of his new nearly 5 foot high dresser. I guess that the climbing bug had gotten into him. Two days later, we still cannot figure out how exactly he reached the top of the dresser. But now we have had to cover the topic of "dresser safety". Nonetheless, Jonah continues to be excited about the new bed and cannot wait until Judah is big enough to sleep in the bottom so that Jonah has to move to the top. I, on the other hand, am quite glad that that day is at least a year away. On a side note, it was too sweet early today when Jonah wanted to crawl into Judah's crib while he was napping to lay with him for a while. Moments like that remind me that Jonah is still caught between being a little guy and a big boy.

Jonah's concerts

After returning home from Church this morning, Jonah enjoyed directing the rest of the family to replay songs that he had heard during morning worship. I am amazed at how he seems to remember things even when I do not realize he is paying attention. It is just another reminder to me of how spongy little brains are! After playing through the worship songs a few hundred times, Jonah proceeded to provide several mini drum concerts for David and I. It is so fun to see the tiny improvements he is making in his coordination and rhythm. I love to see that he is even figuring out his "drummer face"...tongue out and all!

Celebrating 2010

David and I have always loved what a friend of mine has termed "staycations"...a.k.a. vacations at home. For the past 2 months, we had begun anticipating our Christmas/News Years staycation. We were going to have a house full of Smiths. Thirteen Smiths, one Smith dog, a Smith's sister and one non-Smith roommate who we are hoping somehow becomes a Smith when one day some Smith in shining armor sweeps her off of her feet and asks her to become a Smith too. Anyhow, we had a 4 day staycation with games, crazy amounts of food, laughing, additional guests, lots of noise especially from the 7 kids and fun, fun, fun. At the end of the weekend, I told David that I want to do staycations more often. He suggested "once a quarter" and I say "bring it on". It is not often that I get to spend much time anymore with Martha's family. It was great being with Martha, Eric, and of course Zoe Zola. Because Martha and Eric both came down with a nasty virus during their stay, I got to spend some concentrated time with Zoe Zola. She is the sweetest little thing and typically only cries when she is tired or hungry. Judah tries to crawl on her but Jonah adores her. The way he interacts with her reminds me of how he was with Judah when he was littler. Jonah loves saying "Zoe Zo Zo" and being very close to her. He becomes very concerned when she is unhappy. It is so precious to watch. During one meal, when it happened to be just David, Jonah, Judah, Zoe and me, Jonah asked if we could pray a second time and it was obvious that the reason was so that he could hold Zoe's hand again while we prayed. So, so sweet.

Earlier in the weekend, when Nichole was holding Zoe, she asked me if it was "weird" for me. She was referring what it is like calling her Zoe. This was the closest Nichole had been to another Zoe baby since she held my daughter Zoe. I understand what she was referring to. It was odd at first for me too but it keeps getting easier each time I get to spend time with Zoe Zola. I was explaining to my 8 year old nephew, Josiah, that Zoe has the same name as my daughter/ his cousin and he asked me "why"? When I explained to Josiah that Eric and Martha wanted to honor our family by naming their daughter after our Zoe, he seemed a little perplexed. In some ways it is still a bit perplexing to me as well. The true honor of that choice is almost an emotion that I cannot quite fully comprehend. Though I cannot fully comprehend the honor, I know that I love both Zoe Dawn and Zoe Zola A LOT!