Today, I make time to sit down in the peace and quiet. The boys are at their respective schools, David is at work and the house is still. The windows are open and I can hear the faint sounds of the outdoors. I feel the fall breeze. It is beautiful. There is peace and quiet. It is a gift that I grab onto today. Yet, behind that gift of peace, behind the quiet, there is more. An even greater gift. Today, the greater gift is remembering my sweet baby girl. Today, I get to look at her pictures, think about her touch, imagine her kisses, look into her eyes (if even just on a screen), and feel the emotions...the ones that are always there, but just neatly contained for the majority of my days. Today, I give myself permission to feel them more deeply.

I listen to the two songs that speak to some of those emotions, Held by Natalie Grant and I Will Carry You by Selah. Tears quickly swell my eyes and I let them freely fall. I embrace the sadness and allow my heart to long for her.  My precious Zoe. Born of my flesh, holding my heart in her hands.

Today, I consider what life would be like with her here. I think about where she would sleep, how I would decorate her room, braiding her hair, the conversations I would have with her, and the bond I would have with my only daughter. I think about the un-had experiences with my little girl. It stings and at moments, my gut feels twisted. But its not like those thoughts aren't tucked away the rest of the time. So today, I let myself wonder a little longer. Thinking about the pain, opens my heart to love more. Thinking about what I have lost allows me to connect more deeply to what I have been given. Considering my love for Zoe, allows me to more deeply understand God's love for her. Because I believe that Jesus loves us more than we are humanly capable of loving, I can feel grateful. The life that I do not get to have with Zoe, she is spending with her creator. He loves her more than I can imagine...and let me tell you, that has to be a lot as my body cries out because of how much I love her. I imagine the experiences Zoe is having with Jesus. It is not to pacify me. It is because I believe it is real. But I have to feel the pain, to grasp onto the Hope. I Love You, Zoe Dawn Smith. Jesus, thank you for loving her and for loving me...more.