Being Grateful (even when it hurts)...

I am at home today, just trying to recover from a back that went out a week ago. Everyone else in my family is in Indianapolis cheering on my brother-in-law, Danny, who is running the Indy Marathon. He is hoping to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Even though I know that it is much colder outside than it is in my comfy house, I do wish that I was there cheering him on as well.

It is so difficult being an engaged parent when you are in pain. Being in physical pain has seemed to distract my mind and thoughts even at times when i have been in the same room with my boys. Fortunately, after having a spinal fusion in 2001, the back pain I now experience is generally manageable and short-lived. This past week has been different. Just when I thought I was getting better, a day later I was worse again.

These pictures were taken on the one day this week that I felt alright. The boys love being outside. Jonah loves playing on his swing set while Judah loves putting everything he finds into his mouth. Thankfully, David hooked up the baby swing so that I could get Judah off of the ground for a while. I really treasure the moments I have with my boys. David has been a voice of reality lately as he has realized how quickly Judah is growing into a toddler and the moments that we get to hold and squeeze him and love on him won't be here forever.

As I have found myself sleeping and resting my back every chance I have gotten this week, I have really missed my boys. They are right in front of me yet I cannot hold them or comfort them like I would want to because of my hurt back. Jonah gets that I am hurting and he has regularly asked if he could kiss my back. (I gladly let him as it seems to somehow make me feel better.) But Judah gets it as well. I often have found myself trapped in a standing position with a little blue-eyed being pulled up to my knees, grasping my pants and desperately motioning to be held. But I can't give in...I know the repercussions.

Over the past week, I have found myself thinking about mothers who are unable to ever hold their kids because of a disability. I am confident that my back will eventually feel better, but I know that there are many women out there whose conditions are permanent. The longing that they must feel each and every time they look at there child seems unbearable to me. Those thoughts make me so appreciative for the times when I get to hold my boys even when I think I need to be doing something else. The laundry can wait...the dishes and the floors as well. They are only little for a while and eventually they will not want me to hold them. So, even in the midst of not feeling so hot, I am grateful for my health and grateful for most days when I am physically able to cuddle with my boys for as long as they will allow.