Today, I make time to sit down in the peace and quiet. The boys are at their respective schools, David is at work and the house is still. The windows are open and I can hear the faint sounds of the outdoors. I feel the fall breeze. It is beautiful. There is peace and quiet. It is a gift that I grab onto today. Yet, behind that gift of peace, behind the quiet, there is more. An even greater gift. Today, the greater gift is remembering my sweet baby girl. Today, I get to look at her pictures, think about her touch, imagine her kisses, look into her eyes (if even just on a screen), and feel the emotions...the ones that are always there, but just neatly contained for the majority of my days. Today, I give myself permission to feel them more deeply.

I listen to the two songs that speak to some of those emotions, Held by Natalie Grant and I Will Carry You by Selah. Tears quickly swell my eyes and I let them freely fall. I embrace the sadness and allow my heart to long for her.  My precious Zoe. Born of my flesh, holding my heart in her hands.

Today, I consider what life would be like with her here. I think about where she would sleep, how I would decorate her room, braiding her hair, the conversations I would have with her, and the bond I would have with my only daughter. I think about the un-had experiences with my little girl. It stings and at moments, my gut feels twisted. But its not like those thoughts aren't tucked away the rest of the time. So today, I let myself wonder a little longer. Thinking about the pain, opens my heart to love more. Thinking about what I have lost allows me to connect more deeply to what I have been given. Considering my love for Zoe, allows me to more deeply understand God's love for her. Because I believe that Jesus loves us more than we are humanly capable of loving, I can feel grateful. The life that I do not get to have with Zoe, she is spending with her creator. He loves her more than I can imagine...and let me tell you, that has to be a lot as my body cries out because of how much I love her. I imagine the experiences Zoe is having with Jesus. It is not to pacify me. It is because I believe it is real. But I have to feel the pain, to grasp onto the Hope. I Love You, Zoe Dawn Smith. Jesus, thank you for loving her and for loving me...more.

Happy 4th Birthday Jonah!

Happy Birthday to my beautiful FOUR year old Jonah! Jonah is absolutely one the THE loves of my life. He is sensitive, caring, spunky, a jokester, a lover of music (especially drumming), concerned for others, and a true joy. This weekend we had a blast celebrating our little boy. The day started with Jonah's favorite breakfast (banana chocolate chip pancakes) and the day ended with a quick trip to Chuck E. Cheese to play some games (a promise we had made to Jonah months ago). But the "meat" of the day occurred when we took Jonah and some of his buddies bowling at the lanes near our house. Six 4 year olds + bowling+ 4 year old energy= an entertaining and tiring day. I love watching Jonah interact with his friends. His has such a sweet spirit and it truly may be proud when I would see him with his friends after they would throw the bowling ball. He would stand beside them with his arm around them, encouraging them on how well they had just bowled. What a great kid!

After bowling, the kids walked to our home (just around the corner) to enjoy ice cream and Jonah's Star Wars themed cake. Again, I loved watching him play with his friends. It is so amazing that one day your children can barely express anything in words and then you blink only to realize that they are capable of having full conversations with other tiny humans.

Besides getting the final piece of his drum set (a floor tom drum), Jonah was probably most excited about finally getting to sleep in the top of his bunk bed for the first time. Since getting the bed from David's dad last Christmas, Jonah had been told that he would get to sleep in the top bunk as soon as he turned 4. He did great! And of course, wouldn't you know that as soon as the bottom bunk opened up, Judah would be requesting his new bed. He did great as well! So now, not only do we have 1 big boy, but we have 2 big boys. Two incredible big boys! I am truly blessed.

Preschool

Have I mentioned that Jonah is not a preschooler? He even gets to attend with his two buddies, Justus and Jerimiah (a.k.a. the twins). Since beginning preschool on September 2nd, I have noticed that he is truly developing into a little boy. Besides the fits that he still throws on occasion, he is far from babyish. Each time I see him, I feel like his is getting taller, his feet are growing, and his face is thinning out. On top of that, he is learning and demonstrating new skills on an almost daily basis. I felt that he was going to REALLY start growing up once he started preschool and now I am even more and more convinced of that.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to work part-time and have the gift of spending so much time with my boys. On Thursday, I accompanied Jonah and his classmates (along with many other teachers) to a nearby pumpkin patch. It was a joy to watch he and his friends bowl with pumpkins, take a hayride and feed the farm animals.

5 Years...

5 Years ago today, I said goodbye to my sweet Zoe Dawn. The emotions of the week have been quite intense at times. I am grateful that today, oddly enough, I feel a significant amount of calmness. It could be contributed to the prayers of others, to the walk I had by myself early this morning, or to the flood of emotions I had on Monday...Zoe's Birthday. Maybe I am slightly depleted at this point. For some reason, this year has been harder for me. Turning 5 seems like it it a significant milestone. Neither of my younger boys have turned 5 so I haven't experienced the milestone with them but we have several friends with children who are 5 and even two friends whose children turned 5 within days of Zoe's (5th) Birthday. I sometimes wonder what life would be like with a 5 year old running around. I wonder if she would be teasing Jonah like Jonah teases Judah. David however believes that if we had an "oldest daughter", she would likely be very nurturing and would probably mother the boys. Jonah would probably get annoyed by it and Judah would probably get beaten up a little less by his big brother. Who knows? And truth is, I will never know yet I sometimes do like to imagine. Today, I miss Zoe. I miss her today like I do everyday. Monday...I missed her BADLY. I could sit at her grave and talk out loud to her but it didn't quite touch it. Crying helped and I am thankful for the tears that came Monday afternoon when my friend, Jami, allowed me some time away from the boys. It felt better. My sister-in-law, Sarah, wrote to me that "I know it hurts to remember, but I also know that it would hurt worse not to". I told her that I liked her words and that they were quotable...I have quoted her twice since then. I kind of think that is what was happening to me recently...I was hurting because of not remembering. Blame it on my avoidance, blame it on a busy life with two young boys, blame it on an intense workload. Whatever it is, I am thankful for the time to sit and reflect and remember my beautiful daughter Zoe. I love her like crazy.

The Shelf...

A week and a half ago, my parents brought the boys a tent that they had found at a rummage sale. The tent has been set up in our living room since that day and finally today, the tent came down. I just finished putting the folded up tent on the top shelf in the boys' closet right next to the bag of pink items that belonged to Zoe...her beautiful blanket (knitted by my Aunt Penny) and Zoe Bunny (a big soft bunny that I used to hold and rock when I was pregnant with Zoe and after she died when my arms would be aching to hold her).

Sometimes I feel as if my emotions are neatly put away on the shelf...not in a "stuff your emotions" sort of way but in a way that I can access them when I choose to and then put them back on the shelf until the next time I want to get them down again. Especially today I have felt as if my emotions have been more like the tent in the middle of the living room...unable to avoid...exposed. I have been more emotional, thinking about Zoe, seeing the miracle of my two little boys, talking to them about their sister, seeing a little girl in a wheelchair at last nights football game. The emotions have been unavoidable, kind of like the tent. And so these days are the days when it doesn't feel I have as much control over when the emotions come off the shelf and get placed back again...the emotions just are. Tomorrow, we will remember Zoe together as a family and many friends will remember her and us as well. I am grateful for every thought and prayer that comes our way. Earlier today when talking to my friend Jennifer in one of those moments when the tears were just there, she said "instead of trying to tell you it is going to be okay, i guess the best i can do is let you know that as your friend, I am suffering with you."

Zoe would have been 5 tomorrow.